More Med Student Texting

Me: We just got SOOO lucky! Clinic flooded we are off next week!
Med Student: OMG FO REAL? Buying lotto ticket today!

Me: Hi Dr. Intern. I'm assigned to work with you tommorow. Where and when would you like me to meet you?
Intern: I don't know.
(Silence)
Me: Well I was only given your contact info. Is there an upper level I should contact?
Intern: I don't know. 
Me: Okay, well I guess I'll just show up at 6am and see whats going on?
Intern:( Silence)

Mean Surgeon Resident: lunch
Me: okay, cool. what time are we meeting back?
Her: office
Me: Will meet back at the office after. What time?
Her: lunch
Me: I'm sorry... I'm confused...?
Her: IM TRYING TO TELL YOU DR G BOUGHT US LUNCH AND ITS IN THE OFFICE! JESUS. 

Me: Dude where the eff are you? Resident is ready to kill you. You have the morning note in your pocket and she needs it...
Med Student: Tell her I'm getting Coffee
Me: Are you out of your mind? She's going to kill you. You better come up with a better excuse that that. No way I'm telling her you're getting coffee!
Him: Coffin! Damn I phone! I'm getting Coffin's note from the chart...
Me: You just saved your own ass....

Top 10 Things Heard in the ED

10. Is he dead or DEAD dead?
9. Room Q has an hmm-hmm stuck in his hmm-hmm
8. I dont know who shot me! I was just standing around minding my own bizz-ness!!.
7. Stick your finger up Room C's butt then get yourself some breakfast.
6. Is that guy... Oh god really...yup... he's jerking off....
5. NURSEDOCTORLADY!!!!!!!!! My phone is ringing!!! Reach it for me!?!?!?
4. 210/122? I'm not worried about that.
3. I can't get no motherfucking sleep in this place!
2. Nurse Doctor Lady?? Please tell the po-lice I'm too sick to talk to them??
1. But I'm ALLERGIC to Tylenol, motrin, aspirin, mobic, toredol, Naproxen, celebrex, AND actron!

Foot in Mouth Disease

Friday my attending is taking me to work a juvenile detention center clinic. And today we were discussing logistics. Where to meet, what to bring, etc. And then he said this.

"Just don't wear anything cute or sexy. What you are wearing right now is perfect."

Um?

WMFS?

This totally non-politically correct conversation took place between me and one of my attendings regarding a patient who was being difficult about a special supplement that she needed for her infant but didn't want to pay literally pennies for.

ME: What was that all about? We're talking about $2.99.

Attending: Oh, she has WMFS syndrome.

ME: WMFS?

Attending: Yeah. "Where's my free shit?" syndrome. Its rampant in these parts if you haven't noticed.

Yes, unfortunately. I've noticed.

Med Student Texting

(from my resident) Hey sorry you didn't get to eat today. Or yesterday.

(from classmate) FUCK I overslept. Just tell them I'll be there asap ok?

(from me) Are you fucking crazy? i'm not telling them anything. just get here. they don't even know you exist. 7th floor.

(from B1) saw my first C-section today.... nurse got sliced. straight up shanked with a blade

(from classmate) shit! what's the blood supply to the thyroid? no time to look it up. text me asap. Dr. X is going to kick my ass.

(from classmate at 9:45am) hurry up let's get breakfast [cafeteria closes for breakfast at 10:00am]

(from me) he freakin' knows I'm hungry and he's keeping me here

(from me at 10:01) he just let me go

(classmate) ass! totally did that on purpose

(from a classmate) ok seriously, my resident is making me babysit the intern. this is a fucking joke

(from me to my resident) hey i just checked Mr K's labs and his glucose is 35

(from my resident) does he look like he's dying?

(me) well no not really

(resident) .......[no answer]

(from me) hey, Mrs N isn't in her bed!

(from the resident) what? she's 93 and in restraints! she better be there

(me) she's not

(resident) find her!!

(from resident) where are you guys?

(me) we're um.... practicing

(resident) jesus. practicing what?

(me) do you really want to know?

(resident) yes

(me) we're giving each other IV's in the pre-op supply room

(resident) don't tell me that shit!

(from resident) if you get me a cheeseburger from the cafeteria you can go home early

(me) done

(from my attending) you think I'm gay??

(from me) huh?

(attending) the resident said you guys think I'm gay

(from me) oh. um, no that was classmate X

(from me) but just FYI, I'll still like you if you are

(from him) god

My First Patient

Somehow I managed to never write about her...but this story is a must. This happened way back in May on my first day of Internal Medicine.

So....

Scene: 1st day. My resident tells me to go into room 19 in the ED and take a full H&P on Violet. He's smirking a bit to the ER nurse, who (nicely) pulls me aside and gives me a quick heads up on what to expect.

Nurse: (to the side) So she's um sorta naked in there and a bit out of it. Just to warn you.

Me: Ok.

Resident: (laughing)

Me: Ok, seriously, what is the deal?

Resident: Nothing. Just go.

Me : (FML)

So I suck it up and walk in. And I'm met with....

VAGINA. LEGS UP IN THE AIR. NAKED. SPREAD EAGLE.

(and add a few hemorrhoids...)

Add to that she can not even speak.

I mutter an uncomfortable "Oh I forgot something. I'll be right back" to the husband.

Me to my Resident: You know this is my first day, right?

Resident: She's crazy. I'm calling psych. Just go. Do your best.

Round 2: I take the H&P. I do the physical. I ignore the vagina.

After an hour of all that, I actually make my first diagnosis. Which happened to be correct. Hepatic Encephalopathy. The legs up in the air? Posturing. Clinical sign of encephalopathy. She wasn't "crazy" and got better after 2 days of lactulose.

That, folks, was pretty much my one and only day of feeling like a complete rock star. Kinda been downhill from there, lol. But, great none-the-less.

Favorite Moments in Surgery Thus Far

1) Almost passing out in surgery on my first day and the scrub nurse implying that I'm pregnant to my new attending

2) CUTTING! (and sewing is almost as cool!)

3) My attending (who I love love love, btw).... saying "See! Even you (in all your idiocy!) could figure that out!" Lol.

4) Getting to say "YEAH! We fixed the SHIT out of that!!!" at every post-op patient's bed

5) We get to cuss on rounds. I can say fuck or shit or motherfuckers and its totally kosher

6) labial abscesses. for you people that don't get jokes, this is one.

7) Um, we get to cut people. Oops. Mentioned that already.

8) Rounds are lightening quick

9) Though I'm a wee peon of a med student, I feel justified laughing while the surgeons dog on EVERY OTHER SPECIALTY in medicine.

10) I have finally, FINALLY, found a group of people on this planet that think like me. Scary, huh?