This is your brain on physio...

Physio test in an hour... and my brain is totally fried. Literally, I CAN NOT study for even one more second. Yet I feel as though I know nothing. We'll see how this plays out.

Oh. My. God. I knew it!

I just took this assessment tonight. Awesome!! All except for the Ortho part. No way in hell is there a 5% chance I'm doing that. So sad about radiology, family medicine and derm. Oh well, I'm over it.

Out of Curiosity...

I'd like to know how many people have read my entire blog, versus people who are just occasional readers. If you've read the whole thing... will you please

EITHER (just one)

Comment and let me know

OR

Check the "this makes me want to be a doctor" box.

Thanks, Ella

Putting the "H" in

Ok. Confession time.

I've known for a long time that I'm ADD. That's no secret. Well, maybe it is... as it seems obvious to me (as I'm the one inside my own crazy head)... but people who I tell say "really, I wouldn't have guessed that". I've taken meds a couple of times in the past... which actually work well for me... but they tend to make me sick, they're expensive, and since I'm ADD I often forget to take them. So I don't bother.

Recently, however, when describing some muscle pains to my physician, she asked me what I thought the problem was. I told her my convoluted theory that I was dopamine depleted... yada yada... muscle pains... yada yada and by the way, I think I'm ADD. So she suggested I get tested... since there just happens to be an ADD expert around. So I agreed.

The test (which, may I say, was on the top 10 most annoying experiences of my life) came back with a recommended diagnosis of ADHD. Hyperactive type. Say what?

When I asked her why on earth I was hyperactive type, this conversation ensued.

DOC: "well, since childhood you've described having trouble sitting still and paying attention... and even now you have trouble going to class and staying all day. You skip out on conferences, skip office meetings, and when you do attend you get up and walk around, sort M and M's by color, and draw elaborate designs on your notepad to keep your attention"

ME: "So??? Doesn't everyone do that? I mean, most conferences and office meetings are, in fact, useless and boring. And they could just tell me the info in 15 minutes instead of 3 days. It's stupidity. And by the way, that computer ADHD test was totally bogus. Clicking stupid X's for an hour? Who can do that? No one! That was so annoying"

DOC: "No Ella, everyone is NOT like that. I promise you. And by the way, that test was only 14 minutes. And most people can do it easily."

ME: "Well, everyone I know would find that highly annoying. And I've had millions of discussions with friends and family about how boring and difficult it is to sit through class and meetings."

DOC: "It is well known that people with ADD and ADHD associate with other people who have ADD or ADHD. So maybe in YOUR world everyone does that, but I assure you, most people can pay attention and sit through class and are not bored."

ME: (silently) "touche"

In the end we agreed that I have ADHD... but not to "do" anything about it. Me and meds don't get along too well, so she was like "well, you've come this far... you may as well keep doing what you're doing"

True dat. Although, this may have been useful information when I was struggling to get through the MCAT. Four times.

A Question for the Masses

Is it possible to love a future not-yet met nor owned dog as much as you love your first and beloved dog? Or will I never love again? Can you tell I miss my dog more than life?

I'm considering offering my landlord my firstborn child in exchange for allowing my dog to live here....

Oh, and to explain the socks.... I bought him baby socks for my new place so he wouldn't scratch the floors...

Stepping Up My Game

Today was Match Day Part II. On Monday all the 4th years found out IF they matched. Today they found out WHERE. I went to the ceremony... and I've decided I better step up my game. From the 4th year class there were at least 7 going to Harvard, 2 to Brown, 5 to Yale, 3 to UCSF, other schools I saw were Duke, Dartmouth, Mayo, UCLA, UCSD, Mt. Sinai, etc. Lots of orthopedics, surgery, emergency, anesthesiology, plastic surgery, radiology, PMnR... holy smokes. I better get on it. And quick!

My New Superhero...

So I've found a new person to idolize. You all know I'm obsessed with Dr. Kenton Hadley... (that's still in effect of course)... but she's internal medicine. Yes... I know... I like her despite the fact that she's IM. Admittedly, this new cool doctor chick isn't as totally accomplished as Dr. KH, but she's younger.... a resident, and she's EM. I've worked with her twice now in the emergency department.... and she is just pretty bad-ass all around. I've seen her run 2 full traumas at the head of the bed, plus I think she is incredibly smart.

I don't know anything about her personally.... (clearly I haven't been stalking her well enough)... but in my mind she's a superhero. I imagine that she and her husband and their dog save the world on weekends, maybe she collects Chihuly glass, is a trained wine connoisseur, goes to art openings on weekdays, and she has a closet full of Christian Louboutins that she wears after her ED shifts. I'm sure she only cooks occasionally, but fabulously, for friends... probably because she is too busy traveling the world in her time off... as she is also simultaneously the medical director for the WHO's Latvian health project. She has a plethora of job offers after graduation with ungodly attached salaries, of which she has declined all of them in favor of spending the next year with Doctors Without Borders.

Ok, back to reality... she's an awesome EM doc and she has pretty hair. That's the extent of what I know about her. Which is WAYY more than I can say for most of the women around here that I am supposed to consider mentors. Yech.

Cadaver what?

Cadaver memorial. That's what I attended yesterday. A little memorial for the families of those who donated their bodies to anatomy lab... and an annual event at my school. However, this year it was sans families... because none of them showed up. But alas, it was nice to say a prayer and have a little commemorative ceremony.... even though (gasp) I hate funerals and memorials and refuse to go under normal circumstances. I don't even go to my family memorials. I only went to this one on accident because I was under the impression that it was mandatory. Damn.

Anyway, the point of why I am telling you this is because some of my classmates wrote reflections about their anatomy experience that they read during the service. And every one (save for one, maybe), was a story (albeit lovely) about how they were uncomfortable in the beginning yet came to peace with chopping up an already dead person over the course of 14 weeks. Really???? How about it sucked more and more every day, directly proportional to the increasing stench of the body and decreasing ability of my sanity and rational thinking to overcome stress and panic? I can't believe it. How come no one stood up there and said (in an ever so tactful way) how horrible it was?

Do I have to do EVERYTHING????? Just a joke, classmates. I think you did a lovely job. And be glad I'm not in charge of med school, or we'd start making the Whoopies and the Jane Fondas look conservative and proper.

A good day...

Match day turned out to be a pretty good day for everyone I know who was trying to match. Especially for a friend of a friend of mine. Her name is Lucia, and she is a foreign medical graduate (FMG) from South America who graduated medical school in 2000.

Now, in case you aren't aware, it is damn near impossible for FMG's to become physicians in the US for a plethora of reasons. First and foremost is probably because of stigma and bias. Second, they must successfully pass their USMLE's in ENGLISH... which is a tough task for native speaking physicians, and third, they have to beat out the 1,000's of FMG's that apply every year.

So Lucia wanted to go into psychiatry, but after she moved to the US she couldn't get a residency spot. She failed Step 1 the first time, but subsequently passed all three steps. She applied to hundreds of programs.... every po-dunk program she could... but never got even 1 interview. She worked in clinical research, did research at the NIH, and kept up her studies. She reapplied year after year.... and still never got even 1 interview.

Finally, this year, after being out of medical school for 10 years, she matched. All because a friend helped her get an interview and a week of shadowing. And the school she's at ain't too shabby, folks.

Congrats Lucia! She definitely gets the prize for tenacity. Oh yeah, and her 2nd baby is due the week before residency starts in July.

T-E-N-A-C-I-T-Y.

PREGNANT!

That really doesn't have that much to do with this post... but it's one of those words I like to throw around in a crowd. It's a hot word. When you say it, everyone can't help but stop what they're doing and look over to see who the hot word refers to. "Herpes" is also a hot word. Say that at a party and see how much attention you get.

Anyway, the point of the post is actually a memory I had today. A great pre-med moment. So I had to share.

When I was at Harvard doing my PBPM program I also worked at Beth Israel Deaconess Emergency Department doing clinical research. I was 23. And there was a hot (I mean HOT) emergency medicine doctor there that I could barely stand to be around out of complete fear that I would do or say something stupid. He was actually beautiful... and I don't say that about many men. And tall. Anyway.... I was reading an article today and his name was on it.... and it made me remember one specific day in the ED.

The cool thing about Beth Israel is that they love to teach... so if you say you're a "pre-med" you automatically get to see/do/watch tons of stuff. So on this particular day Mr. Stupidly Gorgeous was about to do a spinal tap... and so sure enough he hunts me down and asks if I'd like to help. If it were anyone else, I totally would have wanted to... but I really wanted to be as far away from him as possible. But in the name of not being a jackass, I of course said yes.

So we go into this woman's curtain cubicle and prep for the tap. She's naked doing the side snail curl on the bed, Mr. Stupidly Gorgeous is trying to get the tap, and I'm supposed to be holding some tubing up so it doesn't get contaminated. But 20 minutes later he still hasn't gotten the tap. At 30 minutes I am getting dizzy from standing so long, being excited about the tap, and being nervous about being next to Mr. Stupidly Gorgeous. Around this time I remember that I also haven't eaten for over 8 hours... and several minutes later I start feeling pins and needles on the top of my head. Then I start seeing black spots. I try to shake them off by breathing deeply and moving my head. But then my sight is almost gone and I know I'm going to pass out. I don't want to pass out on the patient while Mr. Stupidly Gorgeous is trying to tap her... but I'm too embarrassed to actually tell him that I'm going to pass out. So I lay the tube on the bed, put my back to the wall, and slid down to my butt as I passed out silently.

The next thing I hear is a faint conversation between a couple of doctors about the probability that I am pregnant.... one of those "matter of fact" ED conversations. I remember being HIGHLY insulted that everyone would automatically assume that I was pregnant (especially being a 23 year old pre-med). Anyway, I wasn't pregnant... just dehydrated and hypoglycemic... and totally nervous about being around the greek god. Eventually I had to face him and apologize for ditching him in the middle of a procedure... but he was pretty cool about it. Which just made him all the more stupidly gorgeous to me.

Today...

Is Match Day!

The highly anticipated yet much dreaded day. Every 4th year med student's fate is determined today when they find out a simple "Yes" or "No" as to WHETHER or not they matched into a residency program. If "yes", they wait until Thursday to find out where they are going (they ranked their "favorites" weeks ago) at a huge ceremony hosted by the medical school. If "no"... they slunk away into a cave and begin contemplating suicide. No, really....(really). Actually if they didn't match, they participate in "Scramble" which starts tomorrow at noon. Every program that didn't fill up is listed... and they start calling and faxing like ninnies to try to get a spot. Any spot. Anywhere. Hopefully in their desired field... but possibly not. And definitely not in the location they expected. Unfortunately.

Match is basically one giant fraternity/sorority... where you and the program rush (interviewing)... and then there's preference day (second look)... and then match day (bid day). Exhilarating. Probably joyous. Potentially fatal... well, at least temporarily until the said 4th year regains his or her bearings, begins to breathe and realizes the world is, indeed, not over.

I just found out that at my school the Dean's office closes down completely and the Deans clear their schedules during Scramble so that the students who are scrambling can come in and use the phones, private offices, faxes, computers, etc... AND have the Deans call other programs on their behalf. Nice.

Anyway, congrats to all my friends who matched today. And if you didn't... don't stay in your cave too long, ok? We all still love you.

Tomorrow...

I'm going camping with my class... and bringing my dog. Yay! Did I mention I'm a ridiculously good dutch oven camp cooker? Yay again!

Cultural Incompetency

Where to start? For my FIM class... you know the stupid class I hate... we have a section called "cultural competency". Which is the new bane of my existence. Not because I don't think the topic is important... because I do. But rather because in all my years in academia I have never once seen anyone worth respecting teach it in a respectable nor interesting way.

For instance, today we were required to watch a stream of staged videos which were supposed to demonstrate how culturally insensitive situations can occur. I shit you not, the patients were all black and the docs all white. Every scenario was ridiculously staged... and then we were required to answer a series of questions which were insane.

Here's an example of what happened today:

Video: White doc, black patient. Patient has uncontrolled hypertension, previous MI, etc. Doc is speaking a little overly scientific and parental and patient is being a little too apathetic about his unhealthy lifestyle and a little too defiant about physician knowledge. Not to mention, the video contained every stereotype you could ever come up with... about the doc as well as the patient. Patient uses wrong verb tenses, says he's unemployed, and brags about using the ED for his primary care doc. Doc rolls his eyes every time the patient uses sub-literary journal level language, suggests buying organic foods and joining an expensive gym to work out.

Question: What is the main issue in this video?

Answers:

A) The patient should be more concerned about his severely unhealthy habits and should take more responsibility for his own health

B) The patient and the physician are talking past each other instead of communicating well

C) The patient should be re-assigned to a black physician

D) The physician is not being sensitive and is not picking up on cultural cues that would help him to appropriately solve the patients problems.

After a group discussion we settled on the best answer B (heaven forbid the answer is A). However, one of my group members says "Hey guys... I know B is the right answer... but I know how these assignments work. I bet my life that the answer is D. If we want the points for getting the right answer, we should pick D"

He managed to convince us... so we chose D for the points. And freakin-A... he was right.

Now, tell me that this situation doesn't in effect PERPETUATE racism. Instead of both parties taking responsibility for the miscommunication... which would imply equality...it's the "superior", white doc's responsibility to figure out how to solve the black patient's problems.... thus implying that the patient doesn't have the ability to assess and solve his own issues. Right there, in class, we just affirmed the notion that white doctors, in fact, are superior and should take the higher moral road. The whole thing is pure insanity.

I mean... if we're going to address racism... lets do it. But nix those lame-ass videos for god's sake.

To the Folks at UMass Med School Dept of Medicine....

I really hope I didn't tick off your whole department... as my IM post made the blog roll on the front page of the Department of Medicine website. I mean... I'm sure you are all really lovely people... nothing personal, Ok?

A Crazy Idea?

As I have mentioned before, I love photography. And while I am no expert in cameras and equipment... I think I have an artistic eye. Well, at least I have been told that. It's one of the few hobbies I have that I think I'm sorta good at. Anyway.... on a whim last year I submitted some of my photos to a few art markets... and I was accepted to a few to sell my work. Which I have never done. Mostly out of fear... and the probably wrong idea that "photography doesn't sell". Plus, I'd need to buy a large format photo printer and some supplies. Which is an investment. Which I really can't afford anyway.

But wouldn't it be so so so nice to be able to make some extra money for med school in a fun way instead of waiting tables or babysitting. Remember that post way back when when I naively said something to the effect of "Holy crap I'm in med school... hopefully I'll never have another bs job again!!" I think I spoke (wrote) too soon!

Anyway... I've survived this long on my own... with wayyyy worse jobs than serving or babysitting. Something will happen. I'll keep you posted.

Not adding up

After doing a little math, I realized that I'm not just broke. Im broke broke. Really broke. If I don't spend even 1 extra dollar for the next 4 months I'll barely make it. I need a job. Something part-time and flexible.

Any ideas?

Don't say serving. Been there.

"Lunching"

I've never really "lunched" before until today. Of course, I've eaten lunch, been to lunch, gone out for lunch, and attended luncheons. All of which are very different from lunching. Lunching occurs only at specific restaurants, with specific people (usually old ones), and involves thousands of dollars and at least 3 hours (in this case 4). It also involves sampling everything on the menu, and many, many, many, bottles of wine.

So why (you may ask) was I privy to such an occasion? Because I'm a med student. In a rock-star school in a rock-star city, and a first year rep for a rock-star history of medicine society. A couple of our professors, who must be somewhere around 200 years old, took 14 of us out to lunch at a well respected, ridic-expensive (they lost 2.8 million dollars in wine alone in Hurricane K), older than dirt restaurant in the FQ. It was fabulous.

And I'm not going to lie, it felt lovely to walk through the front doors and say "I'm with the school of medicine party".... ever-so-nonchalantly of course...

REAL PROFILES

I've started something new. On the side bar I've started listing everyone I personally know who has journeyed to med school, law school, dental school or nursing school.... and a few details about them. Some are traditional students, some non-trads, and some are REALLY non-trads. The point is to see that there are WAYYY more who've had difficulty getting in than those who breezed in with perfect grades and scores directly out of undergrad. And some with perfect scores and grades who never got in at all. As I remember more, I'll add to the list...

PS: NONE of these are students in my med school class. They are all from my previous life.

Thoughts on Internal Medicine

In theory, internal medicine sounds like something I should be interested in. It truly is where the "real medicine" happens. It's where the really sick people are. Where you see pathology, and where you get to fix it. That's the one thing that scares me about EM. I don't really like following patients over time (like years), but I really do like acute medicine. Figuring out what the problem is and actually fixing it. Not just handing it off to whomever is my best guess... as is what EM docs usually do.

Anyway, last night I went to the Internal Medicine annual wine and cheese awards ceremony banquet. Which was nice. Hey, I'm all for any party that involves getting dressed up and free wine and delice de bourgogne. Here's the problem. Thus far, (in life, not just since med school started) I have never met ANYONE in IM that I really liked. IM is like a secret club that you aren't invited to, yet you don't really even want an invitation.

I mean, last night the chair of IM got up to say why he chose IM, and all he could talk about was how he liked carrying people to their death. I mean, seriously? That's it? That is supposed to inspire a group of students to follow in his footsteps? And frankly, the IM folks seem a little, well, anal. OCD. Over the top. I guess that's a good thing if you're a patient... but to work in that environment? I mean, EM seems significantly more quirky, ADD, and fun. Medicine seems like stress, pressure and politics (not that politics don't exist everywhere I KNOW).

Any thoughts on this? I'd love to be convinced otherwise....

Oops

Me and my big mouth. So for my stupid foundations class we have to go for an ambulance ride. Which in theory (like everything in the class) SHOULD be cool. But no, they really have to fuck up most everything. Like today, for example. A group of 30 or so of us were in EMS orientation, and they informed us that we have to wear dress clothes and a white coat on our ambulance ride. FOR REAL? Have they ever even BEEN on a freakin' ambulance? Anyway, I groaned way too loudly and accidentally (well, sort of accidentally) said "great, we're going to look like total douche-bags" out loud. Which of course we will be. No doubt.

The class seemed to be in agreement and partially amused. The instructor, not so much.

2 for 2

Well actually, 3 for 2. Last night was my 2nd ED shift, and we had not 1 but 2 GSW victims. One victim was shot multiple times... and in the face. As horrible as that sounds, it was awesome.

So out of 2 shifts, 3 GSW. I'm twitter-pated & IN LOVE with this ED.

This Will Hurt Me More than It Hurts You.... Well... maybe not

Today at my preceptor (the bariatric surgeon) I watched from the corner of the room where he totally botched a drain. Poor lady. She was trying to get her lap-band drained... but the doc couldn't find the spot. For like 15 minutes. He poked her over and over and over and over and over again. And the needle wasn't small folks. And it was inside her abdomen at least 4 inches while he wriggled around (rather aggressively) trying to find the spot.

I thought I would pass out. Hot, nervous, increased pulse. That's me being a sympathetic physician again. Ella, this is happening to the PATIENT. Not to you. Get over it.

Stool Fat Analysis, Right?

Today my mentor/friend Dr. J gave a physiology lecture on the pancreas. We've worked together for years... and although we currently aren't working together officially, we're both part of the med school and we have lunch or dinner once in a while.

So Dr. J is one of those guys who needs a lot of feedback during lectures. Like nods and "uh hums"... just so he feels everyone is on the same page. Problem is, since I'm the only one in class he knows well, he keeps looking to me. So like a giant gunner asshole, I'm nodding and "uh hum-ing" every few minutes. No sweat, worth the sacrifice. I'm a good friend.

Then he starts talking about pancreatic function tests. Specifically stool fat analysis. So when he says "stool fat analysis" he points to me (in front of 180 of my classmates) and says "Right?".

Now, because I know how his little brain works, I know that he was referencing a huge study where we assessed pancreatic function. This study was a massive pain in the ass and the bane of my existence for over a year. I almost killed him because he wanted me to collect stool fat. In the end we compromised and I agreed to do the study, but I got to hire someone else to do the stool collecting/processing.

But he doesn't actually say something to the effect of "Ella worked on a pancreatic study in our dept. that involved these tests". No. Nothing. Just points to me after he says stool fat. Sweet. Now my classmates think I have a personal problem.

Ok, I'm Done

I just realized that I have officially been bitching about life for a month now. Time to stop. Grief, anger, bargaining, denial, yada yada. Ok, I'm going to try to be happy from now on. We'll see how that works out.

Things that are good today.

1. Biochem is over? Hopefully?

2. Fresh lemon curd from the farmers market. Ridic-u-delish-ous!

3. Peace

4. Quiet

5. 2 compliments on my hair.... and I didn't even change anything :)

6. Going to the ER this week. Yay!

7. History of Medicine Society is having our fancy schmancy banquet this weekend.

8. My basil and arugula has sprouted

9. I went running yesterday

10. I'm actually going on a class camping trip in 2 weeks. Probably. (I'm bad with committment)

Please oh Please

Let me have passed my biochem exam this morning. I studied hard, but there were definitely questions that were, well, questionable. Pray for me. Because if I passed, I will be done with Biochem. Forever. Yay!!!

UPDATE #1 - Exam passed (with a decent score, actually)... now to see if I passed the class!

UPDATE #2 - Course PASSED! Biochem O-V-E-R

Starting to Believe

In curses, voodoo, black magic. Somebody must be really pissed at me out there.

Something Unreal

Picture this. It's say.... Tuesday night 8:00 pm. Make-up test tomorrow (after missing tons of school) that you're mostly prepared for. Boyfriend comes over to watch movies and spend the night. So you watch a few back episodes of Lost, then go to bed at midnight.

But for some unknown reason you can't sleep... so at 2:00am you both end up waking up, getting a glass of water etc. Only for a second unknown reason an argument ensues... and ultimately, after a several hour discussion, you both decide to end your 3-year relationship. Sadly. (this is a real break-up by the way. first time. not one of those "pissed off tonight see you tomorrow" break-ups). So he packs his stuff and leaves. Look at the clock. It's 6:30 am. Ok, no sweat. Test at 1:00 pm. You decide to sleep for a few hours, exhausted from tears and emotions.

10:00 am. Phone call from your mother. Your grandmother just died. And then she hits you with a 2nd piece of information too devastating and personal to write on a blog. Holy shit.

Processing. Can you really pull off a make-up exam? Certainly you can't postpone because it's already a MAKE-UP exam. And you just missed several weeks of school. And you are trying to prove to your professors that you aren't the biggest flake on the planet. So you decide to tough it out, blurry mind, stunned from 3 pieces of bad news, and running on 3 hours of sleep.

The tears welled up several times. But I zenned my way out of it. Focus. Words are blurry. Ears are hot. Can't breathe. Fill in the bubbles. What subject is this anyway?

Somehow I pulled off 85%. That was my Thursday.

Jumping Back In

Well, I've been back to school for 2 days now... and I've already interviewed a med school applicant (who sounded so much like me I was scared she'd read my blog... incidentally I LOVED her!) AND transitioned to my new job in our student-run free clinic. Sweet. And I went to school of course. So I'm getting back in the swing of things which is nice. The rest of the class has a physio exam tomorrow but (yay!) I don't. Cause I get to take it in the summer (not so yay).

Comments

I didn't realize that my comment section was for registered users only. I changed it so everyone should be able to comment. Sorry about that!

Real Life

Starts again tomorrow. I'm headed back to school... and to catch up with all the junk I missed. Not going to lie. Feeling a little nervous.

Doing Laundry

I was having sort of a "whatever" kind of day. Feeling a little haggard after my move, a little discombobulated living in a new place, a little sad to have left my house, and a bit down about missing so much school and getting behind. And I was doing laundry. Probably on my top 10 things I hate doing. Well, maybe top 20. Anyway. Low and behold at precisely the perfect moment (while collecting whites), I pulled out my white coat. THE White Coat. As I started removing my pins and clinic charts, I had an epiphany.

HOLY SHIT. I'm going to be a F@#&$%! DOCTOR!!!!!

Things just don't seem so bad when you can say that for real.

YAY!

Best news ever...

Moments When I Almost Quit

Pre-med that is. So many emails from my readers have reminded me of these moments.. so I thought I'd write them down...

1. Freaking out before my first G-Chem exam when (Oh, WAYYY back when) I arrived and classmates were doing the classic pre-test freak out (asking questions and making me aware of the things I DIDN'T know). I got a C on my first exam. Subsequently, I failed the class because I stayed up all night studying for the final... and accidentally set my alarm wrong and slept through the exam. I was too ashamed to confess to the professor. So I took the F. I was 19 years old.

2. The pre-med counselor at my undergraduate university said it would be next to impossible for me to go to med school. I should essentially just drop the idea all together. I still remember his little pin-head. He probably wanted to go to med school, but gave up and became a pre-med counselor instead. Pin-head.

3. After finishing my first PBPM year at Harvard I had done pretty well in all my classes. But then at the very end I got a C+ in Gen Chem II. I was camping on vacation in Maine with all my friends... glad to be out for the summer. I went into town to check my grades and found out my final grade. I was literally not a happy camper for the rest of the trip. After that I decided I was going to scrap the whole med school idea, and I actually wrote an ENTIRE book about a girl who dropped out of med school. Hmmm. It was therapeutic I guess.

4. After MCAT disaster #1 I was devastated. I actually gave up on the med school idea for a while and went and got my Masters. After MCAT #2, I improved... but MCAT #3 was HUGELY emotionally disappointing.... as I actually went down 1 point. Uh. Thank god for MCAT #4.

5. The first round of rejections from med school weren't so bad because I was totally expecting it after my crappy MCAT #1. The SECOND round however, was awful. I was rejected by my current school right away. Then I had two interviews, both at state schools in my home state. In the first interview I was totally stoked. But my interviewer decided to be "brutally" honest with me because she "liked" me. And said that despite being invited for an interview that I should not expect to be accepted. I had a 28 on the MCAT... and although my application was great in many ways... she thought I needed 2 more points. And she was adamant about that. So I left, feeling horribly dejected. So dejected in fact, that I decided to skip my interview the next day at the 2nd state school... as emotionally I just didn't want to deal with that again. The interview was a couple of hours drive away... and I told my parents I was not going. They understood.

The next day my parents woke me up and asked if maybe I just wanted to get dressed for the interview... and we could drive on down to the University and see how I feel. If I wanted to go, fine. If not, we could spend the day touring around. I agreed and sloppily threw my suit on. With a too-casual shirt and a bag that didn' t match. We got there and I decided to go ahead and interview. But there was construction and I was late. And I forgot to spit out my gum. And I switched interviewers because some other kid was friends with his. And I was so so hot. It was a nightmare. But the interview started and it went rather well. I even ended up talking about my previous experience at the other school. And to my amazement the interviewer was really interested in me. And at the end he said "Well, I think you have a great shot at getting in. And I'M the chair of the admissions committee... so I can say that with authority. So consider yourself at the very least on the wait list. Possibly accepted right away" I ended up on the wait list... which missed me by about 12 people.

6. I had been working for a neuroscience professor for about 5 months. The position was extremely coveted...as all the pre-meds wanted to work for this specific professor. But she was really hard core. She expected year(s) long commitments...and most of the students had been with her forever. I was one of two undergraduate students that she allowed to work there. Unpaid and without the possibility of publication. I had a key to the labs and was assigned a project. And I worked HARD. I would come in at 2:00am and work until class started in the morning. Then I'd go to class, go home, study, sleep and start over. I did this for several months. I went to every lab meeting, prepared for journal club, cleaned the lab on my scheduled day. The whole bit. When the time came to apply to med school I asked for a letter of recommendation. And her response was "Well, if I write you a letter, I would be forced to compare you to the others in the lab. And you do the least. So I'm afraid it wouldn't look good for you". WTF???? Compare me to the others? You mean the other PhD and Masters students? Who get PAID and PUBLISHED and who aren't here at 3:00am? That sucked. A lot.

7. Um getting rejected by the Dean at my current school was crushing. The story is essentially that one dean really liked me and told me I'd be a great fit for the school. She pretty much promised me a spot. We'd been communicating pretty regularly... so I was pretty secure that I would get a spot. All of the sudden, communication stopped. And it was October and I hadn't heard anything for weeks. Since I was employed at the same school, my boss called the admissions office on my behalf and requested a review of my file. The next week I got a rejection letter. I felt so betrayed. The next summer when I approached the Dean again, she seemed shocked to see me. She explained that she had put me in for an interview the previous year... but she goes on vacation every year in October... and that's why she didn't communicate with me. When my boss called, Dean #2 must have pulled my file from the interviews, reviewed it, for whatever reason didn't like it, and rejected me. That's her story. True? Not so sure. But it made me feel better.

New Pad

I'm all moved in. The place is great. A brand new Vera Wang, white, queen size, Eurotop, marshmallow lovely all for me. Some old furniture I found in the rubble of my house that I spruced up with some paint to give the "shabby chic" look. A few new dishes and a polished silver coffee press. A beautiful oil painting I found at a thrift store. And my boyfriend is building me a closet. These old shotguns don't have them for whatever reason. So I'm happy as a clam. All except for the fact that last night at 3:00am someone torched a car outside my front door (not mine). That I'm working on getting used to.

And I studied today. Yay!

I LOVE MY SCHOOL

Basically here's the scoop.

PETRIFIED, I went in to see the Dean yesterday. I was certain he was going to stomp or yell or do something really bad. But he didn't. In fact, he didn't seem to care much at all. His attitude was very blase... something to the effect of

"Eh, no biggie..."

AS SOME KOOKY DRUM MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND, HE PULLS ON HIS BOWTIE AND SAYS "Ella, we aren't in the habit of kicking students out of med school. We much prefer to graduate them. You had trouble on one test and you're a little behind? That's not such a big deal. Go talk to your professors. If they don't help you let me know."

A LITTLE SHAKEY, I said "Ok, thanks"... and breathed a sigh of relief.

POSITIVE THAT SOME PROFESSOR WOULD MAKE ME TAKE MY EXAM TOMORROW AS PUNISHMENT... I emailed each one and proposed a timeline for make-ups. Including a couple in the summer. So I didn't have to stress and double up my work.

STUNNED... I opened my email to realize that they all agreed to my plan.

RELIEVED... I made cookies and picked up my biochem book to study in my new lovely house.

A Message From the Dean (For Realsies)

Folks,

Please enjoy your first Mardi Gras as medical students. We want you to have a good time and be safe. Remember, the two things that can get you in trouble are:

1. Disrespecting a police officer
2. Public urination

Be safe and have fun.

The Dean

RELAX

Like I said, I'm supposed to meet with the Dean on Thursday to determine my fate. But I just couldn't wait... so I emailed him early to find out if he was going to kick me to the curb. Alas, he says he's not. In fact, his email said "I've seen your grades, everything is fine, RELAX (in all caps). See you Thursday."

My school rocks.

Not that it really matters to me...

Since I'm "out" anyway... but school has been officially cancelled (again) by the Dean, for a football/superbowl/parade reason. Love this city...

Update on what the hell I'm doing with my life....

I couldn't take it anymore. My living situation, my relationship, finances, plus a million other things were really getting me down. I wasn't studying. I wasn't going to school. I managed to compartmentalize everything last semester and just focus on school.... but for whatever reason I couldn't make it work this semester. I stared at books without reading, cried in bed for days on end, and felt so.... so.... I don't know how to describe it. Hopeless? Not really. Overwhelmed? Ok, maybe. Numb? Yes, that's it. Just like I was existing in a parallel universe that I didn't choose or create. The only thing, and I mean the ONLY thing, that brought me happiness was med school (well, and my doggie of course). And when that started to slip, I really cracked.

So I sucked it up and made some changes.... albeit the most difficult choices I have ever made.

Change #1

I have a new house. Well, it's not really mine (unlike the 160 year-old house across town) as I am only renting.... but for the time being it's a great place and a fresh start. And all for me. Just me. A tiny antique shotgun with gleaming hardwood floors, 3 fireplaces with antique mantles, plaster medallions on the light fixtures, a jacuzzi tub, 12ft ceilings, and a brand new kitchen and bath. In a neighborhood close to school that I like. Pretty much perfect. All for the same price I would pay if I moved into the med school dorms. It's probably so cheap because it's definitely on a bit of a sketchy street. The neighborhood in general is nice, but the street, ah... not so much. Good thing I have a security system.

Change #2

Oh, not sure if I can say it. Begins with a t_ _ _ _ _ y. Which has been good. So nice to hear for a change that I'm not crazy. Quotes from the doc's I've seen...

"Wait, that REALLY happened? Or are you speaking figuratively?"

"You only took a 2 weeks off med school? You might need a year. At least a semester."

"Really? You passed your first semester? That's incredible" (thanks for the vote of confidence)

And the body language is hysterical. I thought shrinks were supposed to remain completely neutral. But I get wide eyes, shaking of head, cringes, and looks of utter disbelief. Pretty funny actually.

Remember how I told you wayyyyy back when that I scored a 700+ on the adjustment scale. (Refresher.... 150 is normal stress response to adjustment, 250 is considered "high stress")... well.... that's why I need it. Surprisingly, nice.

Change #3

Rozerem. I don't know how long I get to take it, but it is so great. I've totally reset my sleep schedule. I sleep deeply and wake up early. Naturally. And no daytime sleeping. I haven't slept this well my whole life.

Change #4

Med school. Well, as you know I took 2 weeks off. Which has been great. But I have a meeting with the Dean on Thursday... and I am VERY nervous about what will say. If he recommends that I leave school and start over next year I will die. DIE. You will see me on the news in a supermarket throwing acorn squash at the elderly and small children. Count on it.

Change #5

Boyfriend and I are changing. In an unspecified way. We thought about breaking up. But for now, we're just taking it easy. Maybe a little space will be good for us. Maybe a little space will end in a break-up. Time will tell.

Change #6

WHO DAT? I hate(d) football. With a passion. I've never watched a football game in my life until Sunday. I had to. Otherwise I would have been kicked out of the city. I'm now a Shockey fan.

Change #7

No change there. Still broke. Actually more broke.

Change #8

Happiness and relief. Feeling better already. Just 2 days into my new place. It is an incredible feeling to come home to 100% peacefulness. The apartment is warm and clean, and free of sawdust and powertools. No one else's schedule. No chaos that isn't mine. No Honduran guy tapping on my bedroom door wanting to sheetrock while I hide in the closet trying to find clean underwear. At 6:00 am. Unexpectedly... because my boyfriend forgot to tell me. On a test day.

Nonsense

Since I'm going through all this nonsense, my posting might be a bit sparse. I'm trying to throw in a few old unpublished posts (see below)... just to keep the blog rolling. Hopefully I'll get back on track soon. Ok, off to move furniture.

Trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL

TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

Wow. Oh, wow. So I took a one week excused leave from med school. Which now, I can tell, is clearly not enough time. In a moment of crises I headed to the student health center to seek a little help... and the Doc says to me "you want my opinion as a doctor or as your friend"? WTF kind of question is that? Our conversation went something like this...

Me: WTF kind of question is that?

Him: Well, as a physician, I'd probably give you some sleep aid and refer you to some counseling, tell you to come see me in a few days.

Me: And as a "friend"?

Him: I'd tell you that I've never seen another student experience the same levels of shit you've experienced and not drop out of school. Or at least take a semester off.

Me: HA! Well, I don't know if you've checked the tuition fee schedule in the last 20 years, but taking a semester off costs me about $39,000.00. And a year of my life. Which at my age I'm not that willing to give up. Plus, frankly, medical school is the only thing I actually LIKE about life right now.

Him: Well, you can pay $39,000.00 and take time off to get your life together... or you can pay $39,000.00 and be back here two weeks from now when you've really cracked... AND you can have a big fat FAIL on your record.

Me: (silently in thought) touche. (out loud) Can I have the fucking sleeping pills?

So I took the script for Rozerem... which is some melatonin thingy I don't really understand and at the same time is like manna from heaven. The shit works. And I don't feel like, well, shit the next day. I also took a week off of school. I also moved. Or rather I am in the process of moving. Which is the bane of my existence.... as I am kind of a physical wimp and as well a VERY bad packer.

Now I have to figure out what to do about the massive amount of work that I have to catch up on. What's more horrible than having to take time out of med school? Having to look forward to DOUBLE med school to make up for all you've missed.

I won!!! Thanks to my readers!!! And thanks Dr. D!

Last Day

To vote for me!!!

F$%@*&! GREAT

Well, life has gone completely to shit in the past 2 weeks. Because a billion people I know read this damn thing, I can't even really vent anon on here... so I'll just say it involves the following.

First, I haven't gone to school in over a week. I missed 2 exams. I have a new house and I'm moving. Alone. My dog can't come with me, which breaks my heart. I didn't imagine the post before last. I've been crying and sleeping a lot, wrestling in my mind about decisions I am making. And I have no money. None.

My cup runneth over. And not in the good way. Feel free to send good vibes my way. Or groceries.

VOTE FOR ME!!!

Hey readers! I'm up for the "Big D" award in med student blogging! Go vote for me (should you think my blog is the best!)

Thanks D! You rock!

VOTE HERE

~Ella

Well...

It hasn't been confirmed, but I would put money down that I just failed my biochem exam. Lots of money.

Admissions Interviews

I'm on the student admissions committee, and today I'm interviewing a med school applicant. Like I mentioned before, at my school the student vote counts for 1/3 of the admissions decision. So if you're interviewing today, good luck!

International Osteopaths

One thing I constantly hear from pre-meds is that they don't want to go to DO school because they won't be able to practice internationally. This is just a nasty rumor... perpetuated for reasons unknown to me. DO's currently have FULL privileges in 44 countries and partial privileges in another 8. Additionally, the AOA has advocates to help DO's apply for full licensing in countries who lack full privilege.

The AOA confirms this, and Wiki has a list... See for yourself...

Countries who recognize Osteopaths

Not Heartless

If you think I'm heartless for not writing about Haiti, I'm not. It's just that I despise American sensatio-journalism...and I refuse to contribute to the nonsense. Frankly, I don't have anything legit to write about, as I am not there. So I won't. Unlike most journalists, who are willing to drag some poor Haitian guy off the street on the promise of sending word to his family in Miami that he is ok, and then tricking him into discussing things on camera which they promised they wouldn't ask him. I've been through a natural disaster, and I can safely say you should never, ever believe the media. Their truth to false ratio is about 1:1000.

That being said, I think about Haitians every moment... and wish I had a real way to help. In a few years I will. Until then, I will wait. Bless Haiti.

Things That Suck in Med School

1. 600+ emails per day, all recruiting for trips, clinics, conferences, retreats, volunteer projects, parties, political movements, etc. which all sound oh-so-nice... but I don't even have time to read the freakin' email let alone actually participate. That, and I have to sort through these 600 daily emails to make sure I read the important shit... Like at 10:24 pm two nights ago I received an email informing us of a mandatory 8:30 am class and a reading assignment for the morning. Nice.

2. Endless Facebook updates from my 180 classmates verifying the 100 biochem concepts that I, indeed, have not yet studied, looked at, nor have even heard of.

3. A little class we have called Foundations in Medicine (FIM). In theory, this class should be great. Teaching future docs about ethics, death and dying, nutrition, alternative medicine, exposing them to the community, volunteering, etc. In reality, it is the biggest bane of my existence and the hugest time-waster ever. This class has hundreds of "points" you have to get in order to pass. Yet you don't get them the normal way... like 30 points for an exam. You earn your points POINT BY POINT. For instance, attending a lecture might be 1/3 of ONE POINT. An essay might be 2 points. Going on an ambulance ride is 1 point. Attending an intubation simulation is 1 point. OH GOD oh god. I'm FIM's bitch.

Our Pulmonary Phys Prof

So our pulmonary physiology professor is basically the go-to-guy in the pulmonary world. You probably studied physiology from his books. His first lecture was today... and in addition to the g-rated quote above, he came out with some doozies.

Por ejemplo, famous pulm prof says... "Wow! Your next exam is cardio AND pulmonary? Well, that would tap about 90% of all the knowledge I have. The other 10% is just some worthless sports trivia and tips on how to find naughty websites"

LOL

Football vs. Biochem.... And the Winner is...

Football.

Um, my school just postponed our biochem exam so our class could watch the playoffs on Sunday, and still have Monday to recover before our metabolic biochem exam... which is now on Tuesday...

Me=Boss Lady

Well, not exactly..... but I was chosen to be on the leadership team for the all-student run free clinic (the place where I originally presented to Dr. Kenton Hadley)... and I'm totally stoked! This way I can stalk her much more legitimately.

Juiced

Ewe. I went to my preceptorship this week. In a clinic room the physician pulled out a patient's drainage tubes. I purposely stood wayyyyy in the corner (nonchalantly of course), so as to avoid any nastiness... yet I couldn't escape. I got juiced. With I don't know what. Some sort of gastric-bypass nastiness that came flying out of the tube, across the room, from above, definitely landing on on my arm and my coat... and most probably in my hair as well. Oh well.

Oh My, Oh My

It was so much better than I expected. In fact, incredible would be an understatement. In a mere 5 hours I saw the following...

1. A multiple GSW victim
2. A stroke patient (activated @ hour 2.5)
3. Peds epileptic seizure
4. Pulmonary Embolism
5. Sickle Cell
6. 2 belligerent drunks
7. 1 missing person from the other side of the USA
8. Chest pain
9. Dehydrated
10. Gastric pain

It was awesome. And I loved every minute of it. We rounded lightning quick (no time to be bored), saw 30+ patients, 5 hours FLEW by in NO TIME FLAT, and all the residents and staff were super duper awesome cool. I'm so in love with EM it is ridiculous.

YAY! Sort of...

I'm headed out to my first shift in the Emergency Dept. and bleh, I'm sick as a dog. I'm going anyway... hoping no one will notice nor care... as I have repeatedly heard that EM docs have to have actually DIED in order to call in sick. Hopefully that's true, and I don't get my ass chewed.

Kissed, Made Up, and Together Again

Dear Anesthesiology,

I'm sorry if any of those things I said in the past hurt you. Yes, you may be a bit less exciting than EM, but I really thing that we could have a stable, happy, loving relationship. But after talking it over with friends, and doing some soul searching, I've decided that I may have judged you unfairly.

I hope you will reconsider our relationship as well. I'm not sure what I have to offer you, and visa versa... and as you know I am still in a committed relationship with EM... but maybe we could spend a little time together and see how things go? We can do a few procedures, a lot of crosswords together, drink cafe au lait, and leave the rectal exams to the internists.


Love Always,

Ella

Manners??

Here's a list of things that many people in our class seemed to have missed in manners school.

1. Putting your feet on the seats. Actually, I'm pretty ok with this... usually. But if I'm sitting in front of you and you prop your feet up next to me... they better be CUTE and NOT SMELLY. Girls, you're the worst offenders. No funk, gangreen, nasty 3 month old polish, toe jam, hairy toes, etc. Put those back in your shoes. On the floor. Luckily, the girl that normally sits behind me has lovely feet. It's when I get stuck sitting elsewhere that I get into trouble.

2. So our school costs some $51,000 odd dollars just for tuition (which in my case was a little more than I had laying around in a mayo jar in the backyard). Hence, I am really interested in hearing the lecture. REALLY. I'm not hanging out in class because of the cute med student who sits by me... or because I'm waiting for Handsome Willy's happy hour to start. So please, to those of you who TALK FOR THE ENTIRE LECTURE... it really makes things difficult on everyone else. Yes we CAN hear you. Every word. You haven't figured out the difference between whispering and talking. Does everybody talk occasionally in class? Yes, of course. But I'm talking out the endless chatter that goes on between the same people every class. And at the risk of sounding like your mama, it's seriously rude. The speaker is flustered. The course director is embarrassed. And your classmates are really irritated. At you. You there. You know who you are.

3. To the girls who knit in class, you aren't really supposed to be in this category. I think you rock. I wish I would have thought of learning to knit... long before my creative energy was sucked away by Netter. I am so envious... and always peeking over to see what new cool things you're doing.

4. Packing up on the last slide before the professor finishes. They're always practically screaming to be heard over the iphones, the zippers, the papers, rustling, etc. I mean, really.. it's like 45 seconds. Is everyone in class always 45 seconds late for something? If the speaker didn't think the last slide was important, he would have ended on the previous one. Right? Just hang out.

No Assholes Rule - BROKEN

Today at the dog park there was this guy. I knew right away, but I prayed I was wrong. Haughty. Less than mediocre looking. Cussing up a storm. Had an arrogant air about him. Throwing around his medical advice about a possibly anemic dog. Then he dropped the bomb.

Him: Well, I'm a 4th year MEDICAL STUDENT.

Me: Oh, really? How cool. You must be really smart. What are you going into?

Him: Well, I'm hoping to match here in radiology.

Me: I LOVE radiology! They get to study all those cool pictures, right? So you're at (named the local med schools)?

Him: No, I went to med school in Florida. Just moved here last week.

Me: But you don't know if you'll be here? Isn't that Match thingy in March?

Him: Well, I know EVERYBODY at (named ALL the local residency programs). I'm VERY sure I'll match here. In fact, my fiance just moved here and we bought a house, a car, and a dog (pointing to what I'm sure was a pure-bred puffy something of a dog).

Me: (Silent): Holy shit you are one egotistical maniac (Out Loud): Well GOOD for you! So you must know all the guys in Dept. X.

Him: Oh, yeah. I know them (pronouncing BOTH of their names incorrectly)

Me: (Out Loud) Good luck to you! Bye! (Silent) Arrogant prick.

Cardiology

I know that Cardiology and I broke up months ago because of the demanding schedule and on-call madness... but can I just express how much I still love it. We officially entered our cardio block today in Physiology... and it all makes so much SENSE to me. The traces, the cardiac AP's, the receptors, the stoke volume vs the ejection fraction. It's so intuitive and amazing. Too bad... we could have had a good thing....

A Decade

I'm continuing the tradition.... bloggers everywhere writing their "Decade in Review" posts. I stole the idea from Old MD Girl. Feel free to continue the madness. Here goes...

2000 ~ Year of Indecision ~ I spent the Millennium New Year's Eve being fantastically disappointed by party hopping in San Diego with people I didn't know well or didn't care about at all. All of my college friends were off traveling or home with their families, or at parties with people they were close with. I was in a sorority with many girls I didn't care about. Most years I stayed in my dorm alone (which was really my own apartment) during winter break... so the New Year was a big bust. I was a sophomore in college in a private San Diego University. I didn't know any better, and borrowed way too much to attend a mediocre liberal arts school and studied topics that never particularly interested me. I was single and for the first time ever living by myself as a grown up without roommates or parents. Which I really did love. A lot. I remember decorating. Curtains. Tapestries. Word Market. Pier One. Sewing pillows and painting pots. Susana and I were joined at the hip. We roller-bladed, pulled all night study sessions, smoked cigarettes, listened to Nat King Cole. At this point my thoughts of being a doctor were essentially limited to "maybe someday, probably not" by failing my first General Chemistry course (I had a C and didn't even show up for the final because of test anxiety). I had declared Political Science as my major not because I thought it was interesting, but because I thought it was reasonable, respectable and easy.... plus I got to spend a few months in DC.

2001 ~ Year of Italy~ I started studying Italian and found that I excelled at foreign languages. I wish I would have switched my major. That probably would have made college fantastically more interesting. Nevertheless I got A's in the first 2 semesters of Italian and spent the summer of '01 studying Italian in Perugia, Italy (same place Amanda Knox was convicted of murder). That trip changed my life, as I was 23 and it was my first trip out of the United States. I fell in love with Italy and my new found power of being able to speak a 2nd language. I drank hundreds of tiny cappuccinos, bought pasta in tiny country markets, took the train to Venice and Bologna and Rome and Capri, kissed Italian boys, and studied lots of Italian verbs on the veranda at the abbey I lived at. Reluctantly I eventually came home. Incidentally, that year I failed my first biology class as well (possibly because I only attended four times)... once again affirming that I was not going to be a physician. I was, however, elected to be Vice President of my school for the following year.

2002 ~ Year of Inspiration (and lots of Alcohol)~ Senior year of college... a little nuts to say the least. Didn't attend college much at all, in fact I didn't sleep and consumed enough alcohol to put on nearly 20 lbs. Despite all of that I met my college boyfriend Jake... who was the first boy ever I really "loved". (I guess) We graduated from college together and bought tickets to Brazil. We had a wonderful summer traveling around. While camping in the Amazon I came across an empty but beautiful white hospital building. There were banana palms and children and a huge red cross... and I then made a commitment that I now, officially, and desperately wanted to become a physician. That fall I began my post-bacc pre-med program at Harvard, lived in the South End in a pre-war brownstone with my best friend Michelle, and loved every minute of it. In Boston Michelle and I grew up. We were girls from a tiny California town, for the first time in an urban city on our own, beyond the protection of our parents or a University. We ate steamed clams and Italian food, took the subway, lunched in Harvard Square. The 20 lbs disappeared. There were hardwood floors and purple velvet drapes, ambulance sirens, cobblestones, scarves and pea-coats. It was incredible.

2003 ~ Year of Transition ~ Jake was headed to pharmacy school in Colorado and for whatever reason became unreasonably judgmental and jealous over things as insignificant as dental floss. We fought my entire year at Harvard, and finally after a "romantic" trip to Maui I broke things off with him. It ended pretty cleanly. By the summer I couldn't afford Harvard for one more minute and at 25, moved home with my parents to significantly less-sexy Phoenix. Although moving home was detrimental to my pride initially, I did get to spend time with my family. I also met the platonic love of my life. The first years I knew him we were inseparable. We finished O-Chem together, ate Thai food, drank hot chocolate and played scrabble, and lamented about pre-med and the woes of living with our parents after 25. We never dated, but we loved each other and our friendship changed me... and changed my values. I will forever cherish the time we spent together.

2004 ~ Year of Growing Up and Speaking Spanish~ I finished my pre-med classes (finally)... but was still a long way from being able to apply to medical school. I needed a paycheck. And an apartment of my own. I accepted a teaching job at an inner city Phoenix high school and moved to an uber-trendy area of downtown. My students also changed me. And my values. I went to quinceanera parties, learned spanish, taught chemistry, built a solar powered boat, practiced yoga, and found joy for the first time in employment. That year I started studying for the MCAT, and began dating Mr. Generous & Loving but Major Cultural Clash-this wont last. And it didn't.

2005 ~ Year of Katrina~ After a disastrous MCAT, I resigned from my teaching job and moved to the south to get my Masters degree in international health. I had visions of that empty white hospital building in the Amazon... and figured hey, if I can't be a physician... I might as well do something that will get me to the same place. Within 4 weeks of my MCAT results I was heading across country to my new home. And so was a hurricane. I beat her there by one day. I unloaded everything into my new apartment, grabbed a backpack with a swimsuit, 2 changes of clothes, my ipod and my travel wallet. After searching for a tank of gas for several hours I headed to Miami for what I thought would be a 2 or 3 day vacation. It turned into a 6-month vacation. I ended up driving from Miami all the way back to Phoenix and teaching at the same school I'd just resigned from. Looking back in life, this may be the only time I could say I actually "regret" a decision. I wish I would have traveled during the Katrina months. Gone to Europe. Something to take my mind off chaos. I had the money. I should have done it. I let others convince me it was a bad idea. It is said that depression ensues approximately 5 weeks after a major natural disaster. I would say that is correct. I battled with mourning my new city, my stagnation, uncertainty, and knowing I was not going to be a physician. That and I only had 3 pair of underwear.

2006 ~ Year of Tenacity ~ During this time (the evacuation) I'd met Mr. Sweet but Very Wrong for Me... and being the sweet guy that he was decided to temporarily accompany me back to the south once the city re-opened. That eventually turned into a 1.5 year Sweet but Very Wrong for Me relationship. On the first day of school in 2006, I met Dr. M, my beloved advisor who would encourage me on my path to become a physician... and who never doubted my capabilities or my tenacity. After discussing my career goals, I was convinced that I should switch from International Health to Tropical Medicine... a decision I will always be grateful for. That was much more interesting to me and it was my key to the medical school padlock. I began dating the MCAT. We went to coffee shops, had wonderful discussions and practice sessions, intellectual debates on quantum physics, and just sat around for hours on end together.

2007 ~ Year of Wonderful Things~ Dr. M had introduced me to some international malaria researchers, and I was invited to spend a summer working with them in Colombia. Which of course was amazing. I graduated from my Masters program after I returned, and had realized I had fallen in love with the south and the city I lived in. I took a research job assuming it would be temporary... but I ended up loving the job, my new single life, and the network of friends I had made over the past year. For the first time I had girlfriends who actually liked each other... which I discovered is significantly more fun than having 20 friends you only socialize with independently. I also finally had it out with the MCAT, and I won. At the end of 2007 I met Mr. Resident Physician, who turned into Boyfriend several months later.

2008 ~ Year of Insanity ~ Not sure if I was ever actually going to make it to medical school, I decided to move forward with other parts of my life. Boyfriend and I bought a house. An OLD house. Like 160 year old house. We ripped it apart and started re-building it in a way that looked historic but was modern in function. We had no idea all the things that would happen that year. A Lawsuit. A divorce. An aortic aneurism. Job lost. A murder. Three moves. Interviews. Friends lost. I got into medical school. After the insanity, exhausted by life, we packed up and moved to Miami and called it a day.

2009 ~ Year of Progress ~ After a few months of a Miami hiatus, we moved back to our house. Our old, under construction house. To one bedroom, one bathroom, and lots of walls which frame what will someday be our home. In January we huddled, cuddled, slept, and prepared to rebuild our lives after what seemed like MUCH more than we could handle had been delivered to our doorstep. February I was offered a job that I REALLY wanted as an epidemiologist. March brought a career gift better than was ever expected to my boyfriend. April brought love in the unexpected surprise package of our hound dog Luke. The year just kept getting better. I started medical school at the same school that my boyfriend is now a resident at. My brother took me to Japan for my 31st birthday. My boyfriend loves his job. I love medical school. Granted, we are broke beyond belief, we don't have a kitchen, we can't use the toaster and the hairdryer at the same time, our dishes are washed in the bathroom, and we are piled in this bedroom with our dog and a parakeet like sardines... but there are many things to be thankful for...

Bounce

I volunteered to help out over Christmas break in a clinic that does TB testing and reading for men who need PPD negative clearance to sleep in a shelter. No sweat, I figured. Pretty minimal learning curve. Inject a little PPD under the skin, it makes a tiny bubble, read it a few days later. Easy peasy.

Only when I showed up for my shift I realized it was Thursday. Vaccine day. Not PPD day. Hmmm. Ok, so I really don't know how to give IM injections... but again, I figured... how hard can it be? HepA/B twinrix and the seasonal flu shot. I quickly scanned the IM injection protocol flyer. Ok. Deltoid region. Clean the area and give a little poke. No sweat.

The first guy wanted both Twinrix and the flu shot. I tried to act like I knew exactly what I was doing so I didn't make the patient nervous. The seasonal flu vaccine went right in. "Hmmmph." I thought triumphantly. I am a total pro. I proceeded to inject the Twinrix exactly the same way in his opposite arm. Only this time, I swear to GOD the needle bounced off his arm like a basketball. I was so surprised I didn't know what to say.... so I just pretended like it didn't happen and used a little more force to pierce through this leathery skin. Eventually he made a sucking sound and a "wooo-hee, that hurt". I just shook my head like I completely understood cause it happens all the time and said, "Yeah, those Hep vaccines aren't for babies!"

The Best Compliment Ever!

And I received it on New Year's Eve. I was working in clinic tonight, and Dr. Kenton Hadley's name came up. You remember, my woman/super-hero/doctor obsession? Well, the attending that was working with us also works with her in Internal Medicine... and he said (I SWEAR) while motioning to me... "You are just like her". I was so excited I could barely even breathe. I think I saw a few stars, felt a bit woozy, and breathlessly muttered a thank you.... He doesn't know it, but he just gave me the biggest ego boost possible. Better than being mistaken for Carla Bruni (which of course has never happened to me). If this is any indication of how 2010 is going to be .... it's going to be a GREAT year!

Well Since Everyone Else is Doing It

I might as well throw out a few of my New Year's Resolutions...

1. Ok, this one is the most important. I really ReAlLy REALLY want to eat different and MORE veggies. I feel like I eat the same 5 vegetables over and over again... despite the millions of varieties on the planet. I just ate my first tomatillo (that I'm aware of) last week!

2. I should also keep an eye on my medical school slacking. I only studied for my histology exam 1 day last block. I managed to do well, but that could really get me in trouble if I'm not careful.

3. I will devote at least one full weekend a month to building my house. I've really been slacking this year. A lot. At this rate I will be living in a bedroom for the rest of my life.

4. I want to start cooking different recipes. I cook quite a bit now... but like the veggie problem I tend to cook the same 20 items. How about 3 brand new recipes a month?

5. Time to dive into EM, and see if I really like it. My elective is starting this month... so I think it's a great chance to really get involved and see if EM is for me. If not, I want to have a chance to explore lots of other fields of medicine before graduation. It would suck to get to 4th year and be like hey, EM sucks... what now???

BFF's in 3 Days

I'm always surprised to see how people seem to associate so quickly into cliques. My medical school is no exception. Maybe I'm just anti-social... but I don't tend to hug, kiss, and call 45 different people my best friends within 3 days of meeting them. I mean, I have FRIENDS. I swear I do. But my class certainly has an element of chumminess that I really don't relate to. Although maybe I'm missing out.

For instance... I remember on my first day of anatomy lab (so this would have been about 4 days into first semester of med school)... I remember one girl who's locker was by mine running up to a guy classmate, jumping on him, wrapping her legs around him, kissing his hair and saying "I LOVE YOU! I missed you SO much yesterday!!" I sorta didn't think too much of it... because I assumed that certainly they must have known each other before med school started... or perhaps they are both from this city and went to undergrad together... or maybe they were stuck in an elevator together for 29 of the previous 48 hours. Who knows? But then I saw the same girl do nearly the identical jumping-slash-kiss maneuver to another guy a few days later.

The weird thing is that she is certainly not the only one. Probably half of my class acts as if they have been joined at the hip for the past 20 years. I don't know how this immediate friendship status comes about.... perhaps it is alcohol induced. Or maybe its the boot camp phenomenon that happens when young guys join the military and are so traumatized during boot camp that suddenly everyone of their comrades is also their best friend.

I guess I have always been the type of person who is really selective with who I become friends with. In fact, I don't really have many friends. Maybe 8 who I consider really close, another 10-20 who are close acquaintances... and probably most of them have been around for a long time.

Old vs. New

Indifferential Diagnosis has hit the nail on the head with a cartoon about the old vs. the new MCAT. I of course, being the savvy MCAT taker that I am, have taken both... more than once... and I have to say the experience is quite different. For those of you who've taken one and not the other... you may not appreciate this as much. But if you have taken both, prepare to laugh to tears. Way to go!

First Year Christmas Vacation

So here's what I did over my first Christmas vacation of med school:

1. Japan!! That was pretty awesome... I have to admit. I hit up Kyoto and Tokyo.
2. Read "Olive Kitteridge", started "Unaccustomed Earth"
3. Went to a life-size gingerbread house and ate the walls. Yay!
4. Cooked a Christmas dinner of duck, mashed potatoes, and asparagus with hollandaise sauce
5. Went out to dinner at a lovely restaurant with my boyfriend
6. Took my dog to the dog park 652 times
7. Worked at a men's shelter doing TB testing
8. Going to a New Year's Eve party tonight!
9. Stocked up my kitchen with new wine glasses, new parts for my Cuisinart mixer and Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking"
10. Designed 3 stained glass windows for my house.

Not particularly relaxing... but fun.

Believe it or Not

I wouldn't have guessed this about 2 weeks ago... but I'm actually looking forward to going back to school. I just got back from a super-speedy trip to Japan (which was awesome!) but now I'm done relaxing.

I had a crazy dream last night. But first let me preface it with this. I have always had terrible dreams. Lots of them. Nightmares you wouldn't ever want to even think about. Years ago I trained myself to recognize when I was dreaming... so when these horrible nightmares come around, I just say to myself... well, Ella,... relax... this is just a dream. Bad part is, even when I have good dreams I ruin them by telling myself it's probably a dream.

So.... to make a short story very very long... last night I dreamed I was in medical school. After years of wanting to go... daydreaming about my white coat and working in the ER and intubations and studying pharmacology...I was finally there. But in my dream I kept telling myself "Ella, this is so good its just a dream. Don't get excited."

Of course you know the rest of the story. I woke up. And realized it was true!!! I get to go back to medical school!!!!

Congrats on being 1/8 of a Doctor

Whew! It's been a heck of a few weeks! I just finished the last of my finals before Christmas break. Metabolic biochem, Physio, and Histo all this week. And I'm happy to report... all classes passed! Officially! P=MD. Actually when I got home from my final today I had an email from the school that said "Congrats on being 1/8 of a Doctor". That actually made me feel pretty darn good. And the best news of all? I'm headed to Japan tomorrow!!! So I guess I'm officially on blog hiatus for a couple weeks... but knowing me I'll probably still post.

Ok, until then...

A day at the ER

Free Food Count #1, #2, #3 and #4

So I thought it would be fun to start a count to see how many free meals I get though the course of med school. I know I´ve probably already had over 100 this semester... but lets start from zero.

This week I had four. And I even missed a few!

1. Dinner at Emeril´s with the Neurology Department. Mmmm. Steak, potatoes, banana cream pie... and lots of wine

2. BBQ - student appreciation luncheon- pulled pork sandwiches, slaw, beans, bread, YAY!

3. 60th Anniversary party - Psych department at the Chateau Bourbon Hotel, dinner, dessert, drinks, the works

4. Club lunch for medical missions - veggie wraps

Still Screwed... but Significantly More Excited

I found out yesterday that I was assigned to do my first year elective in the Emergency Medicine! I am really excited... as I have been dying to jump in and get some EM experience. I'll be working in a Level I trauma center at a rival med school... but WHO CARES? So excited I can't believe it. Starting in January. Yay!!!

Ok, back to studying for the 3 exams that will be kicking my ass later this week.

Screwwwweeeeddd

That's what I am. So this block is only 3 weeks, 3 classes and 3 final exams. I'm almost at the end of week 2 and can BARELY find a shred of motivation to study. All I can think of is Friday next week when I'm done and heading out to vacation for 2 weeks. Seriously, I've studied a total of about 6 hours this block. Ask me what I know about excitable cells? Not too much, sweetheart. Like I said, I'm screwed... and not in the good way.

New Experiences

So I thought I'd make a list of ways that I've changed over the last year. Not sure if these are due to medical school, having a dog, or building a house... but for SURE none of these would have occurred in my prior life without SEVERE emotional distress:

1. Today dog poop fell on my hand while I was picking it up at the dog park. I just rinsed my hand with water (NO SOAP AVAILABLE!!), and went on with my conversation (while drinking coffee). Normally I would have been itching to get home to disinfect.... but folks, I didn't even think about it!

2. My clean dishes are on a dishrack in the BATHROOM. Why? Because this is the only place I have to wash dishes. Yes, there are probably fecal colonies forming on them. But I'm ok with it.

3. I made persimmon cookies the other day, and threw away the persimmons after getting what I needed for the batter. Later I found out I needed more persimmon pulp for the glace. Since these were the only 2 persimmons in the city I could locate, I actually took the persimmon OUT of the TRASH, washed it off, and used the pulp from the inside. O-my-god. This is huge.

4. This year I cut up a human body. Ok... fair enough this one I'm still not at peace with. I actually still can't go in the anatomy lab without holding my breath. But hey, I did it.

5. My beloved SUV, which I have babied and polished and waxed, and kept its leather conditioned and every knick painted.... is doggie-fied. Hair everywhere. Toys, doggie shampoo, poop bags (empty of course lets not get nuts), etc. I do give it an overhaul every few weeks... but in between it's a total dog car. You would certainly mistake it for a soccer-mom car.

Interviews - Post 2

Everyone is freaked out by the questions that you will (or will not) be asked... Fear not, the point of interviewing is just to assure the admissions committee that 1) you can string along a few words in a mildly coherent fashion and 2) that you aren't "grossly offensive" in some way undiagnosed on your paper application. 99% of interviewers feel the same way... less than 1% are actually "out to get you" (meaning they want to stump you or make you look comparatively stupid in contrast to their all-knowing godly physician-ness).

That being said, lets first discuss what you CAN do to grossly offend the 99% of interviewers:

1) BS'ing. Meaning that you've been asked a question that you don't know the answer to... and instead of owning up that you aren't actually familiar with EMTALA or the HENT receptor or the new CDC guidelines for treating HIV... you decide to BS. A lot of times you've been asked this question on the presumption that you won't know the answer... because the interviewer wants to assess how you deal with stress and how your ego works. They're hoping for a response like "No, I haven't heard about that. When did that happen?" or "I have no idea what that is. I'll have to check it out later." If you BS'd your answer, not only will your interviewer likely know you BS'd, but they'll also think you're an ego-maniac that can't admit fault. That would suck.

2)Talking shit. Hopefully, you're thinking "Isn't that obvious?"... but I've seen candidates come to interviews and complain about the poor organization of the interview day, bitch about how cold the city is, describe how boring their student host was, whatever. Bad form. Because anyone who hears you is going to think "Good god, this person bitches so much they can't even control themselves on an INTERVIEW? Yikes. This is probably how GWU ended up with a disgruntled student submitting some 500 odd complaints against them and getting put on probation. Um, NEXT" Additionally, talking shit breaks the "no assholes rule" (see Interviews - Post 1).

3)BO. Again, hopefully obvious... but for whatever reason some people can't figure it out. And BO comes in the most unexpected packages sometimes. Cute little blonde girls who wear Louis Vuitton and Christian Dior makeup. Who would have ever guessed? If you are even remotely unsure, here's my suggestion. Sit down with your best friend in the entire world (who hopefully doesn't also have BO) and say these words. "I have an important question that will affect the course of my entire life, and I need you to tell me the absolute truth no matter how much you will think it will hurt my feelings. I want to be a doctor more than I care about breathing... and if you don't tell me the truth I will never become one. Do I have BO?"

4) Being ungrateful. In any sense. Please make time to thank your interviewer for their time, thank your student host for their hospitality, and thank the secretary for making the day happen. No one owes you an interview or an acceptance. There are about 70,000 people who take the MCAT every year, 40,000 apply to med school, and about 17,000 get accepted somewhere. If you don't appear grateful, someone else will.

OK, let's move on to the questions you should be prepared for. I've seen med-school interview books with 100's of questions. If you are of normal intelligence, you don't need to "prepare" for more than about 5 standard questions. The rest can be answered by just being honest, humble, and mild-mannered. Here's the ones you should be able to answer cold.

1) Why do you want to be a doctor?

Great answers address the following:
- Why being a doctor is a different/better match for you than your other interests (note that I didn't say to slam other careers)
- The process that led you to the decision to pursue medical school (because you shouldn't have decided overnight)
- The aspects that appeal to you in medicine (like the fusion of humanity and science, or the lifelong ongoing learning)

Less than great answers go something like this:
- My dad was a doctor and I decided to become one when I was 4 (way to demonstrate that you have no free will)
- I broke my arm when I was 12 and that's when I made the decision (probably shouldn't rely on the life-long committments you made at 12)
- I want to be rich, drive a Ferrari and pick up lots of women (OK, I've never heard of an applicant say this, but I have friends who are physicians who say this is why they went to medical school... scary)
- I want to help people (duh!)

The general idea is that you want to show that you have solid reasons for becoming a physician that are unique to being a physician. For instance, if you say you want to help people... that's great.. but why not go volunteer at an nursing home and save yourself a decade of work? That is not a sufficient answer. You need to explain yourself better. When I interviewed I was asked why I didn't want to continue on as a high school science teacher. The interviewer commented that it was similar to medicine in that it helped people, had elements of science, and facilitated learning. I answered that while it did have all those things (which I appreciated about medicine), that I didn't feel that being a teacher was challenging for me. I didn't feel that I was growing as a person. In medicine I could help others while challenging myself.

2) What are your strengths and weaknesses. I hate this question. It's so dumb. As if anyone has the ability to TRULY assess their own strengths and weaknesses, and if they did... who would admit them? Is somebody really going to say "I have a stellar rack, which really helps me get attention from important people" or "I'm incredibly brilliant while the other earthlings are complete morons " or "I am secretly addicted to meth, but I still show up for work on time"

BUT, you should still have some good answers up your sleeve for when this question comes up.

For Strengths:
Pick something that the interviewer CARES about. Like I'm resourceful, I'm a mediator, I'm innovative, I'm a strong bench researcher, I speak Vietnamese, or I get along with most everyone. Pick something that will affect THEM, but doesn't sound too boring or egotistical. It's a fine balance. Don't pick something subjective like "I'm nice" or "I'm intelligent"... because frankly, you have no way to assess that yourself.

For Weaknesses:
Well after the Obama, Clinton, Edwards debate a few years ago you now really have to answer this question well. For those of you who missed it... all three were asked about their weaknesses... Clinton answered that she is too hard of a worker, Edwards said that is is too philanthropic (or something like that), and Obama said that he's completely disorganized and his desk is a disaster. Well the media jumped all over him for admitting that he was disorganized yada yada, and his response was "I must have misunderstood the question. I thought I was being asked what my weakness was... and I guess I was supposed to answer with a strength disguised as a weakness"

Point taken. Answering with a strength disguised as a weakness is well, weak. Lame. It makes you look like a pompous ass, actually. So you need to come up with a real weakness. But not too much of a real one. Don't go around admitting that you cut yourself when you stress out before exams or that you steal $100 bills from your Grandmother's secret jelly jar. You should also avoid admitting anything that will send up a red flag on your application. Don't admit weakness in regards to grades, stress, not getting along with people, not liking sick people, not being able to deal with authority, having a learning disorder, not sleeping regularly, having OCP, etc.

Pick something either 1) totally unrelated to med school 2) something that is a subjective weakness or 3) something that USED to be a weakness but you've overcome it.

Examples:
- I used to interrupt people because I get excited about what they are talking about... but I've tried to become conscious of it, and I don't do it as much anymore
- Everyone in my family plays tennis except me. I'm terrible in sports and I'd like to work on that.
- I'm really bad about keeping in touch with my old friends. I get so busy sometimes months go by before I notice.
- I eat a lot of junk food because I have a crazy schedule, and I always say I'm going to start packing healthy lunches for myself... but I never do
- I ask a lot of questions out of general curiosity which I think people can mis-interpret as me doubting the validity of what they are saying. I have really had to work on how I frame my questions.

These are truthful, but pretty benign in the grand scheme of things. You'll give off the impression that you're authentic, but smart enough not to reveal anything inappropriate.

Pink Glove Video

This is Awesome!!!