Not that it really matters to me...

Since I'm "out" anyway... but school has been officially cancelled (again) by the Dean, for a football/superbowl/parade reason. Love this city...

Update on what the hell I'm doing with my life....

I couldn't take it anymore. My living situation, my relationship, finances, plus a million other things were really getting me down. I wasn't studying. I wasn't going to school. I managed to compartmentalize everything last semester and just focus on school.... but for whatever reason I couldn't make it work this semester. I stared at books without reading, cried in bed for days on end, and felt so.... so.... I don't know how to describe it. Hopeless? Not really. Overwhelmed? Ok, maybe. Numb? Yes, that's it. Just like I was existing in a parallel universe that I didn't choose or create. The only thing, and I mean the ONLY thing, that brought me happiness was med school (well, and my doggie of course). And when that started to slip, I really cracked.

So I sucked it up and made some changes.... albeit the most difficult choices I have ever made.

Change #1

I have a new house. Well, it's not really mine (unlike the 160 year-old house across town) as I am only renting.... but for the time being it's a great place and a fresh start. And all for me. Just me. A tiny antique shotgun with gleaming hardwood floors, 3 fireplaces with antique mantles, plaster medallions on the light fixtures, a jacuzzi tub, 12ft ceilings, and a brand new kitchen and bath. In a neighborhood close to school that I like. Pretty much perfect. All for the same price I would pay if I moved into the med school dorms. It's probably so cheap because it's definitely on a bit of a sketchy street. The neighborhood in general is nice, but the street, ah... not so much. Good thing I have a security system.

Change #2

Oh, not sure if I can say it. Begins with a t_ _ _ _ _ y. Which has been good. So nice to hear for a change that I'm not crazy. Quotes from the doc's I've seen...

"Wait, that REALLY happened? Or are you speaking figuratively?"

"You only took a 2 weeks off med school? You might need a year. At least a semester."

"Really? You passed your first semester? That's incredible" (thanks for the vote of confidence)

And the body language is hysterical. I thought shrinks were supposed to remain completely neutral. But I get wide eyes, shaking of head, cringes, and looks of utter disbelief. Pretty funny actually.

Remember how I told you wayyyyy back when that I scored a 700+ on the adjustment scale. (Refresher.... 150 is normal stress response to adjustment, 250 is considered "high stress")... well.... that's why I need it. Surprisingly, nice.

Change #3

Rozerem. I don't know how long I get to take it, but it is so great. I've totally reset my sleep schedule. I sleep deeply and wake up early. Naturally. And no daytime sleeping. I haven't slept this well my whole life.

Change #4

Med school. Well, as you know I took 2 weeks off. Which has been great. But I have a meeting with the Dean on Thursday... and I am VERY nervous about what will say. If he recommends that I leave school and start over next year I will die. DIE. You will see me on the news in a supermarket throwing acorn squash at the elderly and small children. Count on it.

Change #5

Boyfriend and I are changing. In an unspecified way. We thought about breaking up. But for now, we're just taking it easy. Maybe a little space will be good for us. Maybe a little space will end in a break-up. Time will tell.

Change #6

WHO DAT? I hate(d) football. With a passion. I've never watched a football game in my life until Sunday. I had to. Otherwise I would have been kicked out of the city. I'm now a Shockey fan.

Change #7

No change there. Still broke. Actually more broke.

Change #8

Happiness and relief. Feeling better already. Just 2 days into my new place. It is an incredible feeling to come home to 100% peacefulness. The apartment is warm and clean, and free of sawdust and powertools. No one else's schedule. No chaos that isn't mine. No Honduran guy tapping on my bedroom door wanting to sheetrock while I hide in the closet trying to find clean underwear. At 6:00 am. Unexpectedly... because my boyfriend forgot to tell me. On a test day.

Nonsense

Since I'm going through all this nonsense, my posting might be a bit sparse. I'm trying to throw in a few old unpublished posts (see below)... just to keep the blog rolling. Hopefully I'll get back on track soon. Ok, off to move furniture.

Trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL

TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

Wow. Oh, wow. So I took a one week excused leave from med school. Which now, I can tell, is clearly not enough time. In a moment of crises I headed to the student health center to seek a little help... and the Doc says to me "you want my opinion as a doctor or as your friend"? WTF kind of question is that? Our conversation went something like this...

Me: WTF kind of question is that?

Him: Well, as a physician, I'd probably give you some sleep aid and refer you to some counseling, tell you to come see me in a few days.

Me: And as a "friend"?

Him: I'd tell you that I've never seen another student experience the same levels of shit you've experienced and not drop out of school. Or at least take a semester off.

Me: HA! Well, I don't know if you've checked the tuition fee schedule in the last 20 years, but taking a semester off costs me about $39,000.00. And a year of my life. Which at my age I'm not that willing to give up. Plus, frankly, medical school is the only thing I actually LIKE about life right now.

Him: Well, you can pay $39,000.00 and take time off to get your life together... or you can pay $39,000.00 and be back here two weeks from now when you've really cracked... AND you can have a big fat FAIL on your record.

Me: (silently in thought) touche. (out loud) Can I have the fucking sleeping pills?

So I took the script for Rozerem... which is some melatonin thingy I don't really understand and at the same time is like manna from heaven. The shit works. And I don't feel like, well, shit the next day. I also took a week off of school. I also moved. Or rather I am in the process of moving. Which is the bane of my existence.... as I am kind of a physical wimp and as well a VERY bad packer.

Now I have to figure out what to do about the massive amount of work that I have to catch up on. What's more horrible than having to take time out of med school? Having to look forward to DOUBLE med school to make up for all you've missed.

I won!!! Thanks to my readers!!! And thanks Dr. D!

Last Day

To vote for me!!!

F$%@*&! GREAT

Well, life has gone completely to shit in the past 2 weeks. Because a billion people I know read this damn thing, I can't even really vent anon on here... so I'll just say it involves the following.

First, I haven't gone to school in over a week. I missed 2 exams. I have a new house and I'm moving. Alone. My dog can't come with me, which breaks my heart. I didn't imagine the post before last. I've been crying and sleeping a lot, wrestling in my mind about decisions I am making. And I have no money. None.

My cup runneth over. And not in the good way. Feel free to send good vibes my way. Or groceries.

VOTE FOR ME!!!

Hey readers! I'm up for the "Big D" award in med student blogging! Go vote for me (should you think my blog is the best!)

Thanks D! You rock!

VOTE HERE

~Ella

Well...

It hasn't been confirmed, but I would put money down that I just failed my biochem exam. Lots of money.

Admissions Interviews

I'm on the student admissions committee, and today I'm interviewing a med school applicant. Like I mentioned before, at my school the student vote counts for 1/3 of the admissions decision. So if you're interviewing today, good luck!

International Osteopaths

One thing I constantly hear from pre-meds is that they don't want to go to DO school because they won't be able to practice internationally. This is just a nasty rumor... perpetuated for reasons unknown to me. DO's currently have FULL privileges in 44 countries and partial privileges in another 8. Additionally, the AOA has advocates to help DO's apply for full licensing in countries who lack full privilege.

The AOA confirms this, and Wiki has a list... See for yourself...

Countries who recognize Osteopaths

Not Heartless

If you think I'm heartless for not writing about Haiti, I'm not. It's just that I despise American sensatio-journalism...and I refuse to contribute to the nonsense. Frankly, I don't have anything legit to write about, as I am not there. So I won't. Unlike most journalists, who are willing to drag some poor Haitian guy off the street on the promise of sending word to his family in Miami that he is ok, and then tricking him into discussing things on camera which they promised they wouldn't ask him. I've been through a natural disaster, and I can safely say you should never, ever believe the media. Their truth to false ratio is about 1:1000.

That being said, I think about Haitians every moment... and wish I had a real way to help. In a few years I will. Until then, I will wait. Bless Haiti.

Things That Suck in Med School

1. 600+ emails per day, all recruiting for trips, clinics, conferences, retreats, volunteer projects, parties, political movements, etc. which all sound oh-so-nice... but I don't even have time to read the freakin' email let alone actually participate. That, and I have to sort through these 600 daily emails to make sure I read the important shit... Like at 10:24 pm two nights ago I received an email informing us of a mandatory 8:30 am class and a reading assignment for the morning. Nice.

2. Endless Facebook updates from my 180 classmates verifying the 100 biochem concepts that I, indeed, have not yet studied, looked at, nor have even heard of.

3. A little class we have called Foundations in Medicine (FIM). In theory, this class should be great. Teaching future docs about ethics, death and dying, nutrition, alternative medicine, exposing them to the community, volunteering, etc. In reality, it is the biggest bane of my existence and the hugest time-waster ever. This class has hundreds of "points" you have to get in order to pass. Yet you don't get them the normal way... like 30 points for an exam. You earn your points POINT BY POINT. For instance, attending a lecture might be 1/3 of ONE POINT. An essay might be 2 points. Going on an ambulance ride is 1 point. Attending an intubation simulation is 1 point. OH GOD oh god. I'm FIM's bitch.

Our Pulmonary Phys Prof

So our pulmonary physiology professor is basically the go-to-guy in the pulmonary world. You probably studied physiology from his books. His first lecture was today... and in addition to the g-rated quote above, he came out with some doozies.

Por ejemplo, famous pulm prof says... "Wow! Your next exam is cardio AND pulmonary? Well, that would tap about 90% of all the knowledge I have. The other 10% is just some worthless sports trivia and tips on how to find naughty websites"

LOL

Football vs. Biochem.... And the Winner is...

Football.

Um, my school just postponed our biochem exam so our class could watch the playoffs on Sunday, and still have Monday to recover before our metabolic biochem exam... which is now on Tuesday...

Me=Boss Lady

Well, not exactly..... but I was chosen to be on the leadership team for the all-student run free clinic (the place where I originally presented to Dr. Kenton Hadley)... and I'm totally stoked! This way I can stalk her much more legitimately.

Juiced

Ewe. I went to my preceptorship this week. In a clinic room the physician pulled out a patient's drainage tubes. I purposely stood wayyyyy in the corner (nonchalantly of course), so as to avoid any nastiness... yet I couldn't escape. I got juiced. With I don't know what. Some sort of gastric-bypass nastiness that came flying out of the tube, across the room, from above, definitely landing on on my arm and my coat... and most probably in my hair as well. Oh well.

Oh My, Oh My

It was so much better than I expected. In fact, incredible would be an understatement. In a mere 5 hours I saw the following...

1. A multiple GSW victim
2. A stroke patient (activated @ hour 2.5)
3. Peds epileptic seizure
4. Pulmonary Embolism
5. Sickle Cell
6. 2 belligerent drunks
7. 1 missing person from the other side of the USA
8. Chest pain
9. Dehydrated
10. Gastric pain

It was awesome. And I loved every minute of it. We rounded lightning quick (no time to be bored), saw 30+ patients, 5 hours FLEW by in NO TIME FLAT, and all the residents and staff were super duper awesome cool. I'm so in love with EM it is ridiculous.

YAY! Sort of...

I'm headed out to my first shift in the Emergency Dept. and bleh, I'm sick as a dog. I'm going anyway... hoping no one will notice nor care... as I have repeatedly heard that EM docs have to have actually DIED in order to call in sick. Hopefully that's true, and I don't get my ass chewed.

Kissed, Made Up, and Together Again

Dear Anesthesiology,

I'm sorry if any of those things I said in the past hurt you. Yes, you may be a bit less exciting than EM, but I really thing that we could have a stable, happy, loving relationship. But after talking it over with friends, and doing some soul searching, I've decided that I may have judged you unfairly.

I hope you will reconsider our relationship as well. I'm not sure what I have to offer you, and visa versa... and as you know I am still in a committed relationship with EM... but maybe we could spend a little time together and see how things go? We can do a few procedures, a lot of crosswords together, drink cafe au lait, and leave the rectal exams to the internists.


Love Always,

Ella