REAL PROFILES

I've started something new. On the side bar I've started listing everyone I personally know who has journeyed to med school, law school, dental school or nursing school.... and a few details about them. Some are traditional students, some non-trads, and some are REALLY non-trads. The point is to see that there are WAYYY more who've had difficulty getting in than those who breezed in with perfect grades and scores directly out of undergrad. And some with perfect scores and grades who never got in at all. As I remember more, I'll add to the list...

PS: NONE of these are students in my med school class. They are all from my previous life.

Thoughts on Internal Medicine

In theory, internal medicine sounds like something I should be interested in. It truly is where the "real medicine" happens. It's where the really sick people are. Where you see pathology, and where you get to fix it. That's the one thing that scares me about EM. I don't really like following patients over time (like years), but I really do like acute medicine. Figuring out what the problem is and actually fixing it. Not just handing it off to whomever is my best guess... as is what EM docs usually do.

Anyway, last night I went to the Internal Medicine annual wine and cheese awards ceremony banquet. Which was nice. Hey, I'm all for any party that involves getting dressed up and free wine and delice de bourgogne. Here's the problem. Thus far, (in life, not just since med school started) I have never met ANYONE in IM that I really liked. IM is like a secret club that you aren't invited to, yet you don't really even want an invitation.

I mean, last night the chair of IM got up to say why he chose IM, and all he could talk about was how he liked carrying people to their death. I mean, seriously? That's it? That is supposed to inspire a group of students to follow in his footsteps? And frankly, the IM folks seem a little, well, anal. OCD. Over the top. I guess that's a good thing if you're a patient... but to work in that environment? I mean, EM seems significantly more quirky, ADD, and fun. Medicine seems like stress, pressure and politics (not that politics don't exist everywhere I KNOW).

Any thoughts on this? I'd love to be convinced otherwise....

Oops

Me and my big mouth. So for my stupid foundations class we have to go for an ambulance ride. Which in theory (like everything in the class) SHOULD be cool. But no, they really have to fuck up most everything. Like today, for example. A group of 30 or so of us were in EMS orientation, and they informed us that we have to wear dress clothes and a white coat on our ambulance ride. FOR REAL? Have they ever even BEEN on a freakin' ambulance? Anyway, I groaned way too loudly and accidentally (well, sort of accidentally) said "great, we're going to look like total douche-bags" out loud. Which of course we will be. No doubt.

The class seemed to be in agreement and partially amused. The instructor, not so much.

2 for 2

Well actually, 3 for 2. Last night was my 2nd ED shift, and we had not 1 but 2 GSW victims. One victim was shot multiple times... and in the face. As horrible as that sounds, it was awesome.

So out of 2 shifts, 3 GSW. I'm twitter-pated & IN LOVE with this ED.

This Will Hurt Me More than It Hurts You.... Well... maybe not

Today at my preceptor (the bariatric surgeon) I watched from the corner of the room where he totally botched a drain. Poor lady. She was trying to get her lap-band drained... but the doc couldn't find the spot. For like 15 minutes. He poked her over and over and over and over and over again. And the needle wasn't small folks. And it was inside her abdomen at least 4 inches while he wriggled around (rather aggressively) trying to find the spot.

I thought I would pass out. Hot, nervous, increased pulse. That's me being a sympathetic physician again. Ella, this is happening to the PATIENT. Not to you. Get over it.

Stool Fat Analysis, Right?

Today my mentor/friend Dr. J gave a physiology lecture on the pancreas. We've worked together for years... and although we currently aren't working together officially, we're both part of the med school and we have lunch or dinner once in a while.

So Dr. J is one of those guys who needs a lot of feedback during lectures. Like nods and "uh hums"... just so he feels everyone is on the same page. Problem is, since I'm the only one in class he knows well, he keeps looking to me. So like a giant gunner asshole, I'm nodding and "uh hum-ing" every few minutes. No sweat, worth the sacrifice. I'm a good friend.

Then he starts talking about pancreatic function tests. Specifically stool fat analysis. So when he says "stool fat analysis" he points to me (in front of 180 of my classmates) and says "Right?".

Now, because I know how his little brain works, I know that he was referencing a huge study where we assessed pancreatic function. This study was a massive pain in the ass and the bane of my existence for over a year. I almost killed him because he wanted me to collect stool fat. In the end we compromised and I agreed to do the study, but I got to hire someone else to do the stool collecting/processing.

But he doesn't actually say something to the effect of "Ella worked on a pancreatic study in our dept. that involved these tests". No. Nothing. Just points to me after he says stool fat. Sweet. Now my classmates think I have a personal problem.

Ok, I'm Done

I just realized that I have officially been bitching about life for a month now. Time to stop. Grief, anger, bargaining, denial, yada yada. Ok, I'm going to try to be happy from now on. We'll see how that works out.

Things that are good today.

1. Biochem is over? Hopefully?

2. Fresh lemon curd from the farmers market. Ridic-u-delish-ous!

3. Peace

4. Quiet

5. 2 compliments on my hair.... and I didn't even change anything :)

6. Going to the ER this week. Yay!

7. History of Medicine Society is having our fancy schmancy banquet this weekend.

8. My basil and arugula has sprouted

9. I went running yesterday

10. I'm actually going on a class camping trip in 2 weeks. Probably. (I'm bad with committment)

Please oh Please

Let me have passed my biochem exam this morning. I studied hard, but there were definitely questions that were, well, questionable. Pray for me. Because if I passed, I will be done with Biochem. Forever. Yay!!!

UPDATE #1 - Exam passed (with a decent score, actually)... now to see if I passed the class!

UPDATE #2 - Course PASSED! Biochem O-V-E-R

Starting to Believe

In curses, voodoo, black magic. Somebody must be really pissed at me out there.

Something Unreal

Picture this. It's say.... Tuesday night 8:00 pm. Make-up test tomorrow (after missing tons of school) that you're mostly prepared for. Boyfriend comes over to watch movies and spend the night. So you watch a few back episodes of Lost, then go to bed at midnight.

But for some unknown reason you can't sleep... so at 2:00am you both end up waking up, getting a glass of water etc. Only for a second unknown reason an argument ensues... and ultimately, after a several hour discussion, you both decide to end your 3-year relationship. Sadly. (this is a real break-up by the way. first time. not one of those "pissed off tonight see you tomorrow" break-ups). So he packs his stuff and leaves. Look at the clock. It's 6:30 am. Ok, no sweat. Test at 1:00 pm. You decide to sleep for a few hours, exhausted from tears and emotions.

10:00 am. Phone call from your mother. Your grandmother just died. And then she hits you with a 2nd piece of information too devastating and personal to write on a blog. Holy shit.

Processing. Can you really pull off a make-up exam? Certainly you can't postpone because it's already a MAKE-UP exam. And you just missed several weeks of school. And you are trying to prove to your professors that you aren't the biggest flake on the planet. So you decide to tough it out, blurry mind, stunned from 3 pieces of bad news, and running on 3 hours of sleep.

The tears welled up several times. But I zenned my way out of it. Focus. Words are blurry. Ears are hot. Can't breathe. Fill in the bubbles. What subject is this anyway?

Somehow I pulled off 85%. That was my Thursday.

Jumping Back In

Well, I've been back to school for 2 days now... and I've already interviewed a med school applicant (who sounded so much like me I was scared she'd read my blog... incidentally I LOVED her!) AND transitioned to my new job in our student-run free clinic. Sweet. And I went to school of course. So I'm getting back in the swing of things which is nice. The rest of the class has a physio exam tomorrow but (yay!) I don't. Cause I get to take it in the summer (not so yay).

Comments

I didn't realize that my comment section was for registered users only. I changed it so everyone should be able to comment. Sorry about that!

Real Life

Starts again tomorrow. I'm headed back to school... and to catch up with all the junk I missed. Not going to lie. Feeling a little nervous.

Doing Laundry

I was having sort of a "whatever" kind of day. Feeling a little haggard after my move, a little discombobulated living in a new place, a little sad to have left my house, and a bit down about missing so much school and getting behind. And I was doing laundry. Probably on my top 10 things I hate doing. Well, maybe top 20. Anyway. Low and behold at precisely the perfect moment (while collecting whites), I pulled out my white coat. THE White Coat. As I started removing my pins and clinic charts, I had an epiphany.

HOLY SHIT. I'm going to be a F@#&$%! DOCTOR!!!!!

Things just don't seem so bad when you can say that for real.

YAY!

Best news ever...

Moments When I Almost Quit

Pre-med that is. So many emails from my readers have reminded me of these moments.. so I thought I'd write them down...

1. Freaking out before my first G-Chem exam when (Oh, WAYYY back when) I arrived and classmates were doing the classic pre-test freak out (asking questions and making me aware of the things I DIDN'T know). I got a C on my first exam. Subsequently, I failed the class because I stayed up all night studying for the final... and accidentally set my alarm wrong and slept through the exam. I was too ashamed to confess to the professor. So I took the F. I was 19 years old.

2. The pre-med counselor at my undergraduate university said it would be next to impossible for me to go to med school. I should essentially just drop the idea all together. I still remember his little pin-head. He probably wanted to go to med school, but gave up and became a pre-med counselor instead. Pin-head.

3. After finishing my first PBPM year at Harvard I had done pretty well in all my classes. But then at the very end I got a C+ in Gen Chem II. I was camping on vacation in Maine with all my friends... glad to be out for the summer. I went into town to check my grades and found out my final grade. I was literally not a happy camper for the rest of the trip. After that I decided I was going to scrap the whole med school idea, and I actually wrote an ENTIRE book about a girl who dropped out of med school. Hmmm. It was therapeutic I guess.

4. After MCAT disaster #1 I was devastated. I actually gave up on the med school idea for a while and went and got my Masters. After MCAT #2, I improved... but MCAT #3 was HUGELY emotionally disappointing.... as I actually went down 1 point. Uh. Thank god for MCAT #4.

5. The first round of rejections from med school weren't so bad because I was totally expecting it after my crappy MCAT #1. The SECOND round however, was awful. I was rejected by my current school right away. Then I had two interviews, both at state schools in my home state. In the first interview I was totally stoked. But my interviewer decided to be "brutally" honest with me because she "liked" me. And said that despite being invited for an interview that I should not expect to be accepted. I had a 28 on the MCAT... and although my application was great in many ways... she thought I needed 2 more points. And she was adamant about that. So I left, feeling horribly dejected. So dejected in fact, that I decided to skip my interview the next day at the 2nd state school... as emotionally I just didn't want to deal with that again. The interview was a couple of hours drive away... and I told my parents I was not going. They understood.

The next day my parents woke me up and asked if maybe I just wanted to get dressed for the interview... and we could drive on down to the University and see how I feel. If I wanted to go, fine. If not, we could spend the day touring around. I agreed and sloppily threw my suit on. With a too-casual shirt and a bag that didn' t match. We got there and I decided to go ahead and interview. But there was construction and I was late. And I forgot to spit out my gum. And I switched interviewers because some other kid was friends with his. And I was so so hot. It was a nightmare. But the interview started and it went rather well. I even ended up talking about my previous experience at the other school. And to my amazement the interviewer was really interested in me. And at the end he said "Well, I think you have a great shot at getting in. And I'M the chair of the admissions committee... so I can say that with authority. So consider yourself at the very least on the wait list. Possibly accepted right away" I ended up on the wait list... which missed me by about 12 people.

6. I had been working for a neuroscience professor for about 5 months. The position was extremely coveted...as all the pre-meds wanted to work for this specific professor. But she was really hard core. She expected year(s) long commitments...and most of the students had been with her forever. I was one of two undergraduate students that she allowed to work there. Unpaid and without the possibility of publication. I had a key to the labs and was assigned a project. And I worked HARD. I would come in at 2:00am and work until class started in the morning. Then I'd go to class, go home, study, sleep and start over. I did this for several months. I went to every lab meeting, prepared for journal club, cleaned the lab on my scheduled day. The whole bit. When the time came to apply to med school I asked for a letter of recommendation. And her response was "Well, if I write you a letter, I would be forced to compare you to the others in the lab. And you do the least. So I'm afraid it wouldn't look good for you". WTF???? Compare me to the others? You mean the other PhD and Masters students? Who get PAID and PUBLISHED and who aren't here at 3:00am? That sucked. A lot.

7. Um getting rejected by the Dean at my current school was crushing. The story is essentially that one dean really liked me and told me I'd be a great fit for the school. She pretty much promised me a spot. We'd been communicating pretty regularly... so I was pretty secure that I would get a spot. All of the sudden, communication stopped. And it was October and I hadn't heard anything for weeks. Since I was employed at the same school, my boss called the admissions office on my behalf and requested a review of my file. The next week I got a rejection letter. I felt so betrayed. The next summer when I approached the Dean again, she seemed shocked to see me. She explained that she had put me in for an interview the previous year... but she goes on vacation every year in October... and that's why she didn't communicate with me. When my boss called, Dean #2 must have pulled my file from the interviews, reviewed it, for whatever reason didn't like it, and rejected me. That's her story. True? Not so sure. But it made me feel better.

New Pad

I'm all moved in. The place is great. A brand new Vera Wang, white, queen size, Eurotop, marshmallow lovely all for me. Some old furniture I found in the rubble of my house that I spruced up with some paint to give the "shabby chic" look. A few new dishes and a polished silver coffee press. A beautiful oil painting I found at a thrift store. And my boyfriend is building me a closet. These old shotguns don't have them for whatever reason. So I'm happy as a clam. All except for the fact that last night at 3:00am someone torched a car outside my front door (not mine). That I'm working on getting used to.

And I studied today. Yay!

I LOVE MY SCHOOL

Basically here's the scoop.

PETRIFIED, I went in to see the Dean yesterday. I was certain he was going to stomp or yell or do something really bad. But he didn't. In fact, he didn't seem to care much at all. His attitude was very blase... something to the effect of

"Eh, no biggie..."

AS SOME KOOKY DRUM MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND, HE PULLS ON HIS BOWTIE AND SAYS "Ella, we aren't in the habit of kicking students out of med school. We much prefer to graduate them. You had trouble on one test and you're a little behind? That's not such a big deal. Go talk to your professors. If they don't help you let me know."

A LITTLE SHAKEY, I said "Ok, thanks"... and breathed a sigh of relief.

POSITIVE THAT SOME PROFESSOR WOULD MAKE ME TAKE MY EXAM TOMORROW AS PUNISHMENT... I emailed each one and proposed a timeline for make-ups. Including a couple in the summer. So I didn't have to stress and double up my work.

STUNNED... I opened my email to realize that they all agreed to my plan.

RELIEVED... I made cookies and picked up my biochem book to study in my new lovely house.

A Message From the Dean (For Realsies)

Folks,

Please enjoy your first Mardi Gras as medical students. We want you to have a good time and be safe. Remember, the two things that can get you in trouble are:

1. Disrespecting a police officer
2. Public urination

Be safe and have fun.

The Dean

RELAX

Like I said, I'm supposed to meet with the Dean on Thursday to determine my fate. But I just couldn't wait... so I emailed him early to find out if he was going to kick me to the curb. Alas, he says he's not. In fact, his email said "I've seen your grades, everything is fine, RELAX (in all caps). See you Thursday."

My school rocks.