I'm going to be good

I think. I watched my videos from my comprehensive standardized patient exams... and I don't suck! I felt pretty natural... after watching my videos I think I came off that way too. I didn't seem nervous or awkward. I mean, I definitely forgot some important medical stuff... but that stuff will come. I hope. Anyway... it was good to see. A good pick-me-up. Which I need while I'm studying for the Step and contemplating how throwing myself under a bus would be more fun. (just a joke, no need to intervene).

Thoughts?

So I think I've come to a decision. Albeit prematurely. But I think I have. For those of you who don't know me well, here's a bit about me. I've moved around. A lot. I don't have a big family, and unfortunately I'm not super close with the family I do have since they live far away. I have never really had "roots". And I've lived in this city longer than I've lived anywhere else continuously in my life since early childhood (6 whole years here).

I have friends here. Like a chosen family. I love the city. I love my life here. Which makes the prospect of residency a scary thing. Especially considering I want to do EM and there is only one program in the city.

Here's the decision.

I think I would give up EM in order to stay here. Maybe for Anesthesiology or Surgery or even (gasp) IM. I don't know. I desperately want to do EM.... but more than that I don't want to start over at age 34 in a new city and have to be alone.

Thoughts?

Oh, and

I just now discovered Grey's Anatomy. You can watch them all on Netflix. How did I miss this memo? The show is awesome. Actually I'm glad I waited. I'm not very good about waiting a whole week to see what happens next. Instant gratification is more my style. :-)

Oh, and McDreamy... surely is.

Apparently....

My totally hot resident facilitator in my human behavior class didn't think that my idea of divorce would be a good solution for a young guy who ONLY has ED around his wife. Whatever. Sounds good to me.

SP Comp Exam

So I finished my standardized patient exam... the one at the end of the year where you have eight patients with blind scenarios, and you have to assess whats going on and perform whatever exams are necessary, etc.

What a shit show! Total chaos, lol.

I think everyone is done now... so I can write about it... hopefully :)

Surprisingly, I didn't get tired or stressed. It was kind of fun. Like Christmas. You don't know what's behind the door. I think I "handled" each one ok.. as in I could complete the assessments at the end no prob. The hard part was that if you left a room and needed more information, you were screwed. I definitely forgot to take pulses in the extremities on the cardio exam, and I didn't ask for a pelvic on a female patient with abdominal pain (obvious, I know... but she was in so much pain I decided to send her straight to imaging).

Blah. Whatev.

Six More Days

Until I am done with classes. For the REST OF MY LIFE!!! I mean, assuming I pass 2nd year that is. I really can't believe it. Two more years of rotations, then residency, then... the big doctor life. Weird.

What have you been doing? "Eating Wires and Lighting Fires"

Who knew one little phrase in a case report from a schizophrenic patient could send me into a giggle fit. One that just. Wouldn't. Stop. In front of my classmates and physician facilitator. No one else was laughing. Just me. It was really bad. I had to excuse myself, laughing so hard on the way out the door that I started to choke.

1. Medicine 2. Surgery

Just got assigned my first two rotations. Holy Eff.

APRIL 18th my lucky day....

So I scheduled Step I for April 18th. It's supposedly my lucky day. I bought my first house on April 18th 2008. Adopted my dog on April 18th 2009. Hopefully this will turn out just as good??

Electronic Configuration Hypertension

I'm studying in a coffee shop. The girl next to me is clearly a premed. I almost had an aneurysm when I looked over at her screen and saw that she is studying orbitals and other nonsense. OMG. Yuck.

My Maturity is Deteriorating. Quickly.

I've been sending these to friends. Lol.

Devastated

I just found out that my best friend's dad has pancreatic cancer. I can't believe it. I saw him at her wedding in October and he looked healthy and a very young 61. Of all fucking cancers, of all fucking people. I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

Well there's that

So remember the grumpy French cardiologist I told you about way back when? Somewhere I'm sure. He hates everyone. Seriously. Except me. He's the one that offered me $4k to put together the IRB proposals for 2 of his studies last year bc he thought his assigned research coordinator "wasn't right in the head". Lol.

Anyway, I saw him in the elevator the other day and this is the conversation. I should probs add this to my elevator post but whatever.

Him: Hi Ella. How's second year going?

Me: Eh pretty good. Could be worse I guess.

Him: Yeah you could be in jail. That's about all there is worse than being in medicine.

Me: Hmm... well, there's always that.

Playing Dress Up

So for whatever reason there are like a bizillion things to get dressed up for in the next few weeks. Plus last weekend was Rin's wedding, this weekend was a benefit party, next weekend a party at an art gallery and a banquet at the Ritz (two different nights), week after is a formal event and the Internal Medicine banquet, week after is the History of Medicine Banquet.

Holy crap. Let's just say that some dress shopping has taken place.

Been a While, Eh?

Sorry I haven't posted in forever, but I was studying my buttinksy off. After (serious) concern that I may be failing 2nd year... (well there is still a lot to go)... I had to get my ass in gear and bring up my grade on my last neuro exam. Which I did, thank fucking god. Because seriously, folks... it was a concern.

Secondly, I started hanging out with a group of med students which tends to make studying much more bearable. Rica and Ritt. They are pretty awesome girls, and we relate to each other on lots of levels.

Thirdly, boy troubles have been getting me distracted a bit... but I think that is coming to an end soon. Hopefully.

I'll try my best to be better at posting.

Oh, And

I decided to stay in my apartment for a few more months. The deal was too good. We'll see what happens... but I love my place... and if I can legally keep my dog, hopefully I can figure out the rest.

Congrats Rin!

Rin is getting married today. And it begins... the medical student/friend entourage of people getting married who aren't me. That's ok. It will be fun! Plus, she needs to get a jump start on those 6 kids she plans to have in 8 years.

Well...

I gave my landlord 30 days notice... then he lowered my rent and said I could have a dog in an effort to keep me. Lol. Now what?

Early New Year's Resolutions

1. MOVE! Asap. My puppy needs a yard

2. No dating anyone seriously or exclusively for a while

3. Finish 2nd year

4. ROCK Step I

5. No boys. Oh, did I already say that?

6. Plan a trip that I actually WANT to go on. France, anyone?

7. Keep going to the gym. It helps me study

8. Study

9. Remember to live the present

10. Be grateful. Always.

And yours?

When Should You "Give Up" on trying to become a doctor?

Yucky question huh?

Well, contrary to popular belief, I don't think it has anything to do with taking the MCAT a certain number of times, or with how many times you've applied to med school. I personally know a physician that I used to work with that applied 12 times to medical school. Granted, that must have been at least 20 years ago... I am not even sure if you can do that now... but the point is that the time to give up has nothing to do with how many times or how long you've tried to get in.

But there is a time when you SHOULD give up. I bet you didn't think I was going to say that, did you? Well, there is. It's when you know, in your gut, that your priorities in life have changed... and pursuing doctordom is more about ego and proving you can do it than it is about actually becoming a doctor. The main thing I want to convey is that THAT IS OK! Nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone changes everyday... as do your wants and goals. I look back on lists of things I said I wanted to do in life. Many of them I've done. Many I haven't. Like "get my pilot's license". I haven't done that. But I don't consider it a failure because I no longer have any desire to do it. What-so-ever.

I think it takes true courage to be able to detect the difference between being determined and feeding your ego. I struggled with this alot because I think I was on the cusp when I applied the last time. Thankfully, I still really want to be a physician and I am loving it. But maybe 5 years from now I wouldn't have felt the same about the admissions process.

So ask yourself the tough questions. And assess your true desires. The REAL ones. Would you rather get married asap? Have a family now? Let things stay simple? Pursue a creative or entrepreneurial career? Do you REALLY want to give up the next 10 years for this? Any answer is ok... as long as it really reflects you and not your ego.