16+ hour day yesterday

And you know what? It wasn't terrible. At all. This service has turned out to be wayyyy better than last. Not to say that I'm not still tired, or that I'm no longer dreading the OR, but the people on the team can make a significant difference.

Effing Elevators

Me: Oh wouldn't it be great if we got stuck in this elevator? We could sleep for hours. And I'd share my Cliff Bar with you

My German Med Student Teammate: That does sound lovely. If that happened, I wouldn't even call for help

Later on in the day... on our way out of the hospital about to go home for the evening.... the elevator gets stuck. With me and her. Not *exactly* what we had in mind, damnit!

First Bad Eval

From a resident. Don't know if it counts, thankfully the attendings gave me decent (even good) evals. But here's what it said "Ella is extremely intelligent but lacks the discipline and self-motivation that it takes to succeed in the surgery clerkship. I told her to attend a pelvic exenteration and she refused, said she was "bored" and went home at 3:30 instead".

WTF? First of all, I can PROMISE no such conversation EVER took place, I NEVER went home unless dismissed (which sure the fuck was never at 3:30) and I can certainly swear on the lives of cute innocent penguins that I never "refused" to do ANYTHING let alone would I (in quotes) say I was bored to my resident.

Effing unbelievable.

Did you know you can rent books?

You can. For med school. Which is awesome. And you don't have to pay for shipping. The surgery book I just bought for no reason was a fraction of the price to rent it for the block. Check it out if you are so inclined.

www.CampusBookRentals.com

Just finished first block of surgery. 4 more weeks to go.

And I'm not going to lie, folks. It wasn't pretty. It ISN'T pretty. Like I said before, surgery rocks. Surgeons? Not so much. Not sure how much I want to say... but lets just say that the "holier than thou" attitude gets old. Really fast. The talking shit. The HUGE egos. The cutting each other down. The tension. The pimping. The hierarchy. The obvious a-hole facade covering up for lack of any other quality personality skills.

And it's rather shocking how similar surgeon's personalities are. It's as if only people who are young and impressionable with no independent free will or other interests or a mind of their own get lured into surgery... since they are the only ones who are willing to put up with the effin' bs it takes... and then their personalities are shaped by the surgeons who teach them. Then they never change. And the next group will be just like them.

Anyway... It sucks all around. I'm counting the days. And honestly, I'm pretty sad because I sort of wanted to like it. I mean... in a sick sort of way I thought maybe I'd have this huge deviation from my predicted path and do something crazy. But alas, it is so the exact opposite of my personality to be competitive and nasty and egotistical that I know I would be straight miserable.

So. Surgery is officially... OFF the list. Sad face.

The Golden Rules of Surgery

1. Eat when you can

2. Sleep when you can

3. Don't fuck with the pancreas

The difference between 5 and 7 is not 2

At least, not when you're referring to the number of hours you sleep on your surgery rotation. On 4 or 5 hours of sleep I'm a total freakin' zombie. But 7 hours changes who I am. I'm happy, alert, learning, etc. Too bad most nights there aren't 7 hours between the time I leave the hospital and the time I have to wake up. Sigh. No two ways about it. Surgery rotation blows.

NOT going to be a surgeon

So... I love surgery. BUT I am not a surgeon. I've decided I DO NOT like being "trapped" in the OR. Scrubbed in. It stresses me out. Big time. Leg cramps. Being too hot. Not being allowed to sit down or stretch. Can't escape if you have to pee. Hypoglycemic hell. Seriously, it sucks. I don't mind early early days, or intricate procedures, or making instantaneous decisions. But I don't like being stuck. I get major anxiety before every procedure. The anesthesiologists are having so much fun. Chatting it up, coming and going, they dont have to be scrubbed in, and of course, occasionally they check the patient ;-)

Favorite Moments in Surgery Thus Far

1) Almost passing out in surgery on my first day and the scrub nurse implying that I'm pregnant to my new attending

2) CUTTING! (and sewing is almost as cool!)

3) My attending (who I love love love, btw).... saying "See! Even you (in all your idiocy!) could figure that out!" Lol.

4) Getting to say "YEAH! We fixed the SHIT out of that!!!" at every post-op patient's bed

5) We get to cuss on rounds. I can say fuck or shit or motherfuckers and its totally kosher

6) labial abscesses. for you people that don't get jokes, this is one.

7) Um, we get to cut people. Oops. Mentioned that already.

8) Rounds are lightening quick

9) Though I'm a wee peon of a med student, I feel justified laughing while the surgeons dog on EVERY OTHER SPECIALTY in medicine.

10) I have finally, FINALLY, found a group of people on this planet that think like me. Scary, huh?

Woot!

All my evaluations from IM came back awesome. Yay!

Latest Elevator Encounter with the Grumpy French Cardiologist

Him: So you have finished medicine, yes? (Insert grumpy French accent)

Me: Yup (proudly)

Him: And what is next?

Me: Surgery! Today is my first day..

Him: Ah.... it is always that way. Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Me: (gulp)

So far so bad

The hours are SHIT-TY times 1000 and the whole day was

(doct)orgasmic.... I'm so screwed.

This could be bad

Printed out the surg notes, and seriously got a huge rush just from the pictures. Uh oh. Please god, oh please DO NOT LET ME FALL IN LOVE WITH SURGERY... (love~ella)

Happy 4th

Heading to Lizzard and Bow-tie guy's house for a party. Last taste of freedom and fun before the surgery nightmare starts tomorrow. Help. I'm scared. Very, very, scared.

Who Are You?

So I have a friend who is a new IM resident at my school... and since this is July, the new residents are throwing get-to-know-you parties like crazy. And me and Lolo have been tagging along. Pool parties, BBQ's, parties at the river. But we are definitely getting the "Who the hell are you guys" looks.... to which we hotly retort... "We're kind of a big deal". Not. Just kidding. But anything is better than admitting that I'm just a lowly med student. But actually, its been fun and we've met tons of new people.

On Regrets

From a Reader.....

My question to you is about the family thing. I am not one of those women dying to get married and have kids, actually it really isn't on my radar at all. Do you or do you know any women who regret not having kids and a husband and all that? I love love love learning and school and the clinical experiences I've had and I just don't know if I would ever have that same passion for raising kids. I don't presume to know you or your situation, but if you have any advice I welcome it.

My God, I have absolutely no idea....but I do think about this all the time. As someone who also has never really been terribly concerned about having kids or getting married, I never even once considered this before I got into medical school. Frankly I didn't care. I always figured, "Eh, if it doesn't happen... no biggie". And to a large degree I still feel that way. But I'd be lying if I said there isn't a part of me that does think about it now. I know for a fact that I do want to be with someone... hopefully forever. That may bring marriage, it might not.... I'm fine with that. And I figure that can come at any age. But damn, that nagging kid thing. I don't even know if I want them. SHOULD I want kids? Is there something wrong with me if I don't? Honestly, I think the only times I've ever really even briefly WANTED children was when I met a guy that I really liked... and my semi-psychotic female automatic future-life-planner drive went into high gear for a few moments and I thought... Sigh, I'd love to have children if it was with HIM. But then.... once the gleam of the guy faded... so did the desire for children. Which begs the question... do I actually want children (I think yes, when the time...and guy... is right)....and what happens when I find the perfectly right guy that I want to have children with and it DOES work out? Will it be too late? And that concerns me. Will I regret all the times maybe I could have settled down with a nice guy and had kids 10 years ago?

I doubt it. First of all, did I really "give up" having children? No. Its not like I met the PERFECT guy for me and said "sorry sucka, I'm going to med school, later".... I mean there were nice guys, great guys, but nobody that I wanted to be with forever. So really I didn't really sacrifice something I wanted for med school... I left something behind that I felt blase about and headed towards a dream. Not settling for the wrong guy is something I will never, ever regret.

Let's just say for a moment, hypothetically, that I did settle for one of the guys in my life and got married and had kids at the expense of becoming a physician. I can, undoubtably, say that for me (for ME, people) that would have been a decision I truly regretted. Every single day. I thought about becoming a doctor all day every day for years. Kids and husband? I thought about that when the mood struck me.

So maybe the real question is, do I regret not actively seeking the perfect husband who I could have had children with and with whom I could still be a doctor? Eh, maybe occasionally. I don't regret it right now, because honestly I'm GLAD not to have children at this point in my life. But I bet that 15 years from now, if I'm still single, I will have a different answer.

Oh Surgery

Starting surgery on Tuesday next week. There are oh, say, 15 different services they assign students to... and I've hear repeatedly that there are a lot of easy services in terms of workload and hours. The two ones you DONT want are VEP (vascular something pediatrics) and Acute Care. I got my assignment. WhaddoIgot? VEP and Acute Care. I shit you not.

11 Days Off

Wolp, finished IM rotation and the shelf. Got 11 days off. I don't even know what to do with myself. Guess maybe I should think about that whole Step I nonsense, eh?

Sometimes...

It is beyond me why people trust doctors. I mean, not that most of us aren't relatively intelligent and well-intentioned... but does it seem to anyone else that for every one time that we are sure about a diagnosis there are 5 times that we are just guessing? And people just accept it. I guess because there aren't any better guesses?

Last Day of IM Rotation

Already!!! I'm done. Just gotta take the Shelf Exam on Friday.