Oh. My. God. I knew it!

I just took this assessment tonight. Awesome!! All except for the Ortho part. No way in hell is there a 5% chance I'm doing that. So sad about radiology, family medicine and derm. Oh well, I'm over it.

Out of Curiosity...

I'd like to know how many people have read my entire blog, versus people who are just occasional readers. If you've read the whole thing... will you please

EITHER (just one)

Comment and let me know

OR

Check the "this makes me want to be a doctor" box.

Thanks, Ella

Putting the "H" in

Ok. Confession time.

I've known for a long time that I'm ADD. That's no secret. Well, maybe it is... as it seems obvious to me (as I'm the one inside my own crazy head)... but people who I tell say "really, I wouldn't have guessed that". I've taken meds a couple of times in the past... which actually work well for me... but they tend to make me sick, they're expensive, and since I'm ADD I often forget to take them. So I don't bother.

Recently, however, when describing some muscle pains to my physician, she asked me what I thought the problem was. I told her my convoluted theory that I was dopamine depleted... yada yada... muscle pains... yada yada and by the way, I think I'm ADD. So she suggested I get tested... since there just happens to be an ADD expert around. So I agreed.

The test (which, may I say, was on the top 10 most annoying experiences of my life) came back with a recommended diagnosis of ADHD. Hyperactive type. Say what?

When I asked her why on earth I was hyperactive type, this conversation ensued.

DOC: "well, since childhood you've described having trouble sitting still and paying attention... and even now you have trouble going to class and staying all day. You skip out on conferences, skip office meetings, and when you do attend you get up and walk around, sort M and M's by color, and draw elaborate designs on your notepad to keep your attention"

ME: "So??? Doesn't everyone do that? I mean, most conferences and office meetings are, in fact, useless and boring. And they could just tell me the info in 15 minutes instead of 3 days. It's stupidity. And by the way, that computer ADHD test was totally bogus. Clicking stupid X's for an hour? Who can do that? No one! That was so annoying"

DOC: "No Ella, everyone is NOT like that. I promise you. And by the way, that test was only 14 minutes. And most people can do it easily."

ME: "Well, everyone I know would find that highly annoying. And I've had millions of discussions with friends and family about how boring and difficult it is to sit through class and meetings."

DOC: "It is well known that people with ADD and ADHD associate with other people who have ADD or ADHD. So maybe in YOUR world everyone does that, but I assure you, most people can pay attention and sit through class and are not bored."

ME: (silently) "touche"

In the end we agreed that I have ADHD... but not to "do" anything about it. Me and meds don't get along too well, so she was like "well, you've come this far... you may as well keep doing what you're doing"

True dat. Although, this may have been useful information when I was struggling to get through the MCAT. Four times.

A Question for the Masses

Is it possible to love a future not-yet met nor owned dog as much as you love your first and beloved dog? Or will I never love again? Can you tell I miss my dog more than life?

I'm considering offering my landlord my firstborn child in exchange for allowing my dog to live here....

Oh, and to explain the socks.... I bought him baby socks for my new place so he wouldn't scratch the floors...

Stepping Up My Game

Today was Match Day Part II. On Monday all the 4th years found out IF they matched. Today they found out WHERE. I went to the ceremony... and I've decided I better step up my game. From the 4th year class there were at least 7 going to Harvard, 2 to Brown, 5 to Yale, 3 to UCSF, other schools I saw were Duke, Dartmouth, Mayo, UCLA, UCSD, Mt. Sinai, etc. Lots of orthopedics, surgery, emergency, anesthesiology, plastic surgery, radiology, PMnR... holy smokes. I better get on it. And quick!

My New Superhero...

So I've found a new person to idolize. You all know I'm obsessed with Dr. Kenton Hadley... (that's still in effect of course)... but she's internal medicine. Yes... I know... I like her despite the fact that she's IM. Admittedly, this new cool doctor chick isn't as totally accomplished as Dr. KH, but she's younger.... a resident, and she's EM. I've worked with her twice now in the emergency department.... and she is just pretty bad-ass all around. I've seen her run 2 full traumas at the head of the bed, plus I think she is incredibly smart.

I don't know anything about her personally.... (clearly I haven't been stalking her well enough)... but in my mind she's a superhero. I imagine that she and her husband and their dog save the world on weekends, maybe she collects Chihuly glass, is a trained wine connoisseur, goes to art openings on weekdays, and she has a closet full of Christian Louboutins that she wears after her ED shifts. I'm sure she only cooks occasionally, but fabulously, for friends... probably because she is too busy traveling the world in her time off... as she is also simultaneously the medical director for the WHO's Latvian health project. She has a plethora of job offers after graduation with ungodly attached salaries, of which she has declined all of them in favor of spending the next year with Doctors Without Borders.

Ok, back to reality... she's an awesome EM doc and she has pretty hair. That's the extent of what I know about her. Which is WAYY more than I can say for most of the women around here that I am supposed to consider mentors. Yech.

Cadaver what?

Cadaver memorial. That's what I attended yesterday. A little memorial for the families of those who donated their bodies to anatomy lab... and an annual event at my school. However, this year it was sans families... because none of them showed up. But alas, it was nice to say a prayer and have a little commemorative ceremony.... even though (gasp) I hate funerals and memorials and refuse to go under normal circumstances. I don't even go to my family memorials. I only went to this one on accident because I was under the impression that it was mandatory. Damn.

Anyway, the point of why I am telling you this is because some of my classmates wrote reflections about their anatomy experience that they read during the service. And every one (save for one, maybe), was a story (albeit lovely) about how they were uncomfortable in the beginning yet came to peace with chopping up an already dead person over the course of 14 weeks. Really???? How about it sucked more and more every day, directly proportional to the increasing stench of the body and decreasing ability of my sanity and rational thinking to overcome stress and panic? I can't believe it. How come no one stood up there and said (in an ever so tactful way) how horrible it was?

Do I have to do EVERYTHING????? Just a joke, classmates. I think you did a lovely job. And be glad I'm not in charge of med school, or we'd start making the Whoopies and the Jane Fondas look conservative and proper.

A good day...

Match day turned out to be a pretty good day for everyone I know who was trying to match. Especially for a friend of a friend of mine. Her name is Lucia, and she is a foreign medical graduate (FMG) from South America who graduated medical school in 2000.

Now, in case you aren't aware, it is damn near impossible for FMG's to become physicians in the US for a plethora of reasons. First and foremost is probably because of stigma and bias. Second, they must successfully pass their USMLE's in ENGLISH... which is a tough task for native speaking physicians, and third, they have to beat out the 1,000's of FMG's that apply every year.

So Lucia wanted to go into psychiatry, but after she moved to the US she couldn't get a residency spot. She failed Step 1 the first time, but subsequently passed all three steps. She applied to hundreds of programs.... every po-dunk program she could... but never got even 1 interview. She worked in clinical research, did research at the NIH, and kept up her studies. She reapplied year after year.... and still never got even 1 interview.

Finally, this year, after being out of medical school for 10 years, she matched. All because a friend helped her get an interview and a week of shadowing. And the school she's at ain't too shabby, folks.

Congrats Lucia! She definitely gets the prize for tenacity. Oh yeah, and her 2nd baby is due the week before residency starts in July.

T-E-N-A-C-I-T-Y.

PREGNANT!

That really doesn't have that much to do with this post... but it's one of those words I like to throw around in a crowd. It's a hot word. When you say it, everyone can't help but stop what they're doing and look over to see who the hot word refers to. "Herpes" is also a hot word. Say that at a party and see how much attention you get.

Anyway, the point of the post is actually a memory I had today. A great pre-med moment. So I had to share.

When I was at Harvard doing my PBPM program I also worked at Beth Israel Deaconess Emergency Department doing clinical research. I was 23. And there was a hot (I mean HOT) emergency medicine doctor there that I could barely stand to be around out of complete fear that I would do or say something stupid. He was actually beautiful... and I don't say that about many men. And tall. Anyway.... I was reading an article today and his name was on it.... and it made me remember one specific day in the ED.

The cool thing about Beth Israel is that they love to teach... so if you say you're a "pre-med" you automatically get to see/do/watch tons of stuff. So on this particular day Mr. Stupidly Gorgeous was about to do a spinal tap... and so sure enough he hunts me down and asks if I'd like to help. If it were anyone else, I totally would have wanted to... but I really wanted to be as far away from him as possible. But in the name of not being a jackass, I of course said yes.

So we go into this woman's curtain cubicle and prep for the tap. She's naked doing the side snail curl on the bed, Mr. Stupidly Gorgeous is trying to get the tap, and I'm supposed to be holding some tubing up so it doesn't get contaminated. But 20 minutes later he still hasn't gotten the tap. At 30 minutes I am getting dizzy from standing so long, being excited about the tap, and being nervous about being next to Mr. Stupidly Gorgeous. Around this time I remember that I also haven't eaten for over 8 hours... and several minutes later I start feeling pins and needles on the top of my head. Then I start seeing black spots. I try to shake them off by breathing deeply and moving my head. But then my sight is almost gone and I know I'm going to pass out. I don't want to pass out on the patient while Mr. Stupidly Gorgeous is trying to tap her... but I'm too embarrassed to actually tell him that I'm going to pass out. So I lay the tube on the bed, put my back to the wall, and slid down to my butt as I passed out silently.

The next thing I hear is a faint conversation between a couple of doctors about the probability that I am pregnant.... one of those "matter of fact" ED conversations. I remember being HIGHLY insulted that everyone would automatically assume that I was pregnant (especially being a 23 year old pre-med). Anyway, I wasn't pregnant... just dehydrated and hypoglycemic... and totally nervous about being around the greek god. Eventually I had to face him and apologize for ditching him in the middle of a procedure... but he was pretty cool about it. Which just made him all the more stupidly gorgeous to me.

Today...

Is Match Day!

The highly anticipated yet much dreaded day. Every 4th year med student's fate is determined today when they find out a simple "Yes" or "No" as to WHETHER or not they matched into a residency program. If "yes", they wait until Thursday to find out where they are going (they ranked their "favorites" weeks ago) at a huge ceremony hosted by the medical school. If "no"... they slunk away into a cave and begin contemplating suicide. No, really....(really). Actually if they didn't match, they participate in "Scramble" which starts tomorrow at noon. Every program that didn't fill up is listed... and they start calling and faxing like ninnies to try to get a spot. Any spot. Anywhere. Hopefully in their desired field... but possibly not. And definitely not in the location they expected. Unfortunately.

Match is basically one giant fraternity/sorority... where you and the program rush (interviewing)... and then there's preference day (second look)... and then match day (bid day). Exhilarating. Probably joyous. Potentially fatal... well, at least temporarily until the said 4th year regains his or her bearings, begins to breathe and realizes the world is, indeed, not over.

I just found out that at my school the Dean's office closes down completely and the Deans clear their schedules during Scramble so that the students who are scrambling can come in and use the phones, private offices, faxes, computers, etc... AND have the Deans call other programs on their behalf. Nice.

Anyway, congrats to all my friends who matched today. And if you didn't... don't stay in your cave too long, ok? We all still love you.

Tomorrow...

I'm going camping with my class... and bringing my dog. Yay! Did I mention I'm a ridiculously good dutch oven camp cooker? Yay again!

Cultural Incompetency

Where to start? For my FIM class... you know the stupid class I hate... we have a section called "cultural competency". Which is the new bane of my existence. Not because I don't think the topic is important... because I do. But rather because in all my years in academia I have never once seen anyone worth respecting teach it in a respectable nor interesting way.

For instance, today we were required to watch a stream of staged videos which were supposed to demonstrate how culturally insensitive situations can occur. I shit you not, the patients were all black and the docs all white. Every scenario was ridiculously staged... and then we were required to answer a series of questions which were insane.

Here's an example of what happened today:

Video: White doc, black patient. Patient has uncontrolled hypertension, previous MI, etc. Doc is speaking a little overly scientific and parental and patient is being a little too apathetic about his unhealthy lifestyle and a little too defiant about physician knowledge. Not to mention, the video contained every stereotype you could ever come up with... about the doc as well as the patient. Patient uses wrong verb tenses, says he's unemployed, and brags about using the ED for his primary care doc. Doc rolls his eyes every time the patient uses sub-literary journal level language, suggests buying organic foods and joining an expensive gym to work out.

Question: What is the main issue in this video?

Answers:

A) The patient should be more concerned about his severely unhealthy habits and should take more responsibility for his own health

B) The patient and the physician are talking past each other instead of communicating well

C) The patient should be re-assigned to a black physician

D) The physician is not being sensitive and is not picking up on cultural cues that would help him to appropriately solve the patients problems.

After a group discussion we settled on the best answer B (heaven forbid the answer is A). However, one of my group members says "Hey guys... I know B is the right answer... but I know how these assignments work. I bet my life that the answer is D. If we want the points for getting the right answer, we should pick D"

He managed to convince us... so we chose D for the points. And freakin-A... he was right.

Now, tell me that this situation doesn't in effect PERPETUATE racism. Instead of both parties taking responsibility for the miscommunication... which would imply equality...it's the "superior", white doc's responsibility to figure out how to solve the black patient's problems.... thus implying that the patient doesn't have the ability to assess and solve his own issues. Right there, in class, we just affirmed the notion that white doctors, in fact, are superior and should take the higher moral road. The whole thing is pure insanity.

I mean... if we're going to address racism... lets do it. But nix those lame-ass videos for god's sake.

To the Folks at UMass Med School Dept of Medicine....

I really hope I didn't tick off your whole department... as my IM post made the blog roll on the front page of the Department of Medicine website. I mean... I'm sure you are all really lovely people... nothing personal, Ok?

A Crazy Idea?

As I have mentioned before, I love photography. And while I am no expert in cameras and equipment... I think I have an artistic eye. Well, at least I have been told that. It's one of the few hobbies I have that I think I'm sorta good at. Anyway.... on a whim last year I submitted some of my photos to a few art markets... and I was accepted to a few to sell my work. Which I have never done. Mostly out of fear... and the probably wrong idea that "photography doesn't sell". Plus, I'd need to buy a large format photo printer and some supplies. Which is an investment. Which I really can't afford anyway.

But wouldn't it be so so so nice to be able to make some extra money for med school in a fun way instead of waiting tables or babysitting. Remember that post way back when when I naively said something to the effect of "Holy crap I'm in med school... hopefully I'll never have another bs job again!!" I think I spoke (wrote) too soon!

Anyway... I've survived this long on my own... with wayyyy worse jobs than serving or babysitting. Something will happen. I'll keep you posted.

Not adding up

After doing a little math, I realized that I'm not just broke. Im broke broke. Really broke. If I don't spend even 1 extra dollar for the next 4 months I'll barely make it. I need a job. Something part-time and flexible.

Any ideas?

Don't say serving. Been there.

"Lunching"

I've never really "lunched" before until today. Of course, I've eaten lunch, been to lunch, gone out for lunch, and attended luncheons. All of which are very different from lunching. Lunching occurs only at specific restaurants, with specific people (usually old ones), and involves thousands of dollars and at least 3 hours (in this case 4). It also involves sampling everything on the menu, and many, many, many, bottles of wine.

So why (you may ask) was I privy to such an occasion? Because I'm a med student. In a rock-star school in a rock-star city, and a first year rep for a rock-star history of medicine society. A couple of our professors, who must be somewhere around 200 years old, took 14 of us out to lunch at a well respected, ridic-expensive (they lost 2.8 million dollars in wine alone in Hurricane K), older than dirt restaurant in the FQ. It was fabulous.

And I'm not going to lie, it felt lovely to walk through the front doors and say "I'm with the school of medicine party".... ever-so-nonchalantly of course...

REAL PROFILES

I've started something new. On the side bar I've started listing everyone I personally know who has journeyed to med school, law school, dental school or nursing school.... and a few details about them. Some are traditional students, some non-trads, and some are REALLY non-trads. The point is to see that there are WAYYY more who've had difficulty getting in than those who breezed in with perfect grades and scores directly out of undergrad. And some with perfect scores and grades who never got in at all. As I remember more, I'll add to the list...

PS: NONE of these are students in my med school class. They are all from my previous life.

Thoughts on Internal Medicine

In theory, internal medicine sounds like something I should be interested in. It truly is where the "real medicine" happens. It's where the really sick people are. Where you see pathology, and where you get to fix it. That's the one thing that scares me about EM. I don't really like following patients over time (like years), but I really do like acute medicine. Figuring out what the problem is and actually fixing it. Not just handing it off to whomever is my best guess... as is what EM docs usually do.

Anyway, last night I went to the Internal Medicine annual wine and cheese awards ceremony banquet. Which was nice. Hey, I'm all for any party that involves getting dressed up and free wine and delice de bourgogne. Here's the problem. Thus far, (in life, not just since med school started) I have never met ANYONE in IM that I really liked. IM is like a secret club that you aren't invited to, yet you don't really even want an invitation.

I mean, last night the chair of IM got up to say why he chose IM, and all he could talk about was how he liked carrying people to their death. I mean, seriously? That's it? That is supposed to inspire a group of students to follow in his footsteps? And frankly, the IM folks seem a little, well, anal. OCD. Over the top. I guess that's a good thing if you're a patient... but to work in that environment? I mean, EM seems significantly more quirky, ADD, and fun. Medicine seems like stress, pressure and politics (not that politics don't exist everywhere I KNOW).

Any thoughts on this? I'd love to be convinced otherwise....

Oops

Me and my big mouth. So for my stupid foundations class we have to go for an ambulance ride. Which in theory (like everything in the class) SHOULD be cool. But no, they really have to fuck up most everything. Like today, for example. A group of 30 or so of us were in EMS orientation, and they informed us that we have to wear dress clothes and a white coat on our ambulance ride. FOR REAL? Have they ever even BEEN on a freakin' ambulance? Anyway, I groaned way too loudly and accidentally (well, sort of accidentally) said "great, we're going to look like total douche-bags" out loud. Which of course we will be. No doubt.

The class seemed to be in agreement and partially amused. The instructor, not so much.

2 for 2

Well actually, 3 for 2. Last night was my 2nd ED shift, and we had not 1 but 2 GSW victims. One victim was shot multiple times... and in the face. As horrible as that sounds, it was awesome.

So out of 2 shifts, 3 GSW. I'm twitter-pated & IN LOVE with this ED.