Glad that's Over

Well today was the big day. I testified. Its over. I had to skip 3 med school classes... but truthfully I feel like it was worth it. I felt that I did a good deed, and now I can move on. Funny, I stared at him (HIM) the entire time I was in the courtroom on the stand and he never looked at me even once. I'll be very curious to see what the verdict is in a few days. Louisiana is a capital punishment state, so if he is guilty he may receive the death penalty. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Thoughts on Things

Today we had a lecture on your relationship with your patient... how close to get, whether it is alright to be "affected", how to listen... etc. So I know too close is not good (like you're not allowed to have sex with your patients... can you believe they actually had to tell us this one?)... but let me tell you a little story and see what you think.

So I used to have this patient that I loved to death. His name was Mr. Lawrence. Mr. Lawrence was about 63 although he looked much older from years and years of alcohol and drug abuse. He came to see me for enrollment in a clinical trial. He was a little out there... tall and skinny and always wore butterfly collar 70's polyester shirts, had large wide frame black glasses which made his eyes look bigger than they were... and his hair was grey and wiry, sticking up Einstein style. All in all he was adorable. He always asked me to repeat myself and not talk too fast because his "noives" (nerves) weren't good.

After months of his visits I truly loved him. He was a total doll. He lived in an assisted living low income project for the elderly, and I gathered he was pretty lonely. Plus his health was so bad he rarely left his room. He did manage to continue his favorite hobby, wood carving, and he presented me with one of my most treasured possessions. He gave me a wood plaque in which he had carved a young woman sitting in lotus position meditating on a cloud... with the sun, moon, and stars carved around her. My name was on the plaque. I love this plaque not only because it was from him... but because I felt that he knew me as the person that I truly wanted to be. I wanted to be a cool, calming, peaceful influence on people... even if in my own head I'm an ADD maniac. At any rate, he explained to me that he felt calm and happy when he visited me... and I felt wonderful beyond belief. Eventually Mr. Lawrence confessed to me his entire history of alcohol and drug abuse, along with the most heart wrenching story I'd heard from Hurricane Katrina. Essentially he'd been rushed by rising water. His sister and a friend were trying to escape with him through a hole cut in the roof, but were unable to escape and died in the waters. His eyes poured with tears as he talked about his subsequent suicide attempts. He cried. I cried. and I cried some more later. A lot more later.

When Hurricane Gustav came a few weeks later, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't get him out of my mind. I was so worried, knowing he was in a home.. without anyone to help him and knowing his past experience with hurricanes. I called him. When he told me the home was requiring everyone to evacuate on their own... and then whoever couldn't would be evacuated later by bus, I knew he was terrified. I knew I shouldn't, (patient/doctor...researcher...relationship violated?) but I did. I offered to pick him up and drive him out of town to his sisters home. The relief in his voice was immeasurable and he broke down in tears. I ended up not having to pick him up... another family member sent a friend to get him... but the question is did I do something wrong? Did I get too involved? Or is this simply common decency? Love for fellow humanity? Would it have been different if I was already a physician? I hope I never let those fears get in the way of compassion.

How Many Unbelievable Things Can You See During 1 Practice Exam?

Today was our first mid-block exam (each semester in med school is divided into "blocks"... for my school three per semester)... but it was just for practice to see how we're doing. Thankfully (if you don't count the structures I haven't studied yet) I did pretty ok. Like 75-85% right... and that's just under normal study habits... ie. without studying like a maniac before a test.

BUT. The point of this posting is to tell you that I CAN NOT believe the nasty things I saw my classmates doing during the exam (this is a practical mind you... looking at cadavers)

1. One girl dragged her hair across an arm full of yellow goopy fat. Yuck... but at least it was unintentional

2. A guy actually leaned his FACE on the prop... which you use to prop up the body... while he was looking closer at a structure.

3. A second girl leaned her lovely eyelet lace shirt TOTALLY against a body.

These are just a few examples. I can not believe how unaware everyone acts... as if there is not a rotting, stinking, chopped up cadaver leaking nasty fluids and covered in piles of yellow fat. They just casually lean over as if leaning over the sofa to get the remote. Now, not to say I haven't gotten a flick or two of cadaver juice on me since I've started this process... but almost every time it's been because someone flicked me... and I have a mental inventory of every part of my body, my hair, my clothes, my pen, and my book the ENTIRE time I'm in there. I'm sure as hell not going to LEAN against something simply because I forgot there was a pile of cadaver nastiness there. GROSS!