I LOVE MY SCHOOL

Basically here's the scoop.

PETRIFIED, I went in to see the Dean yesterday. I was certain he was going to stomp or yell or do something really bad. But he didn't. In fact, he didn't seem to care much at all. His attitude was very blase... something to the effect of

"Eh, no biggie..."

AS SOME KOOKY DRUM MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND, HE PULLS ON HIS BOWTIE AND SAYS "Ella, we aren't in the habit of kicking students out of med school. We much prefer to graduate them. You had trouble on one test and you're a little behind? That's not such a big deal. Go talk to your professors. If they don't help you let me know."

A LITTLE SHAKEY, I said "Ok, thanks"... and breathed a sigh of relief.

POSITIVE THAT SOME PROFESSOR WOULD MAKE ME TAKE MY EXAM TOMORROW AS PUNISHMENT... I emailed each one and proposed a timeline for make-ups. Including a couple in the summer. So I didn't have to stress and double up my work.

STUNNED... I opened my email to realize that they all agreed to my plan.

RELIEVED... I made cookies and picked up my biochem book to study in my new lovely house.

A Message From the Dean (For Realsies)

Folks,

Please enjoy your first Mardi Gras as medical students. We want you to have a good time and be safe. Remember, the two things that can get you in trouble are:

1. Disrespecting a police officer
2. Public urination

Be safe and have fun.

The Dean

RELAX

Like I said, I'm supposed to meet with the Dean on Thursday to determine my fate. But I just couldn't wait... so I emailed him early to find out if he was going to kick me to the curb. Alas, he says he's not. In fact, his email said "I've seen your grades, everything is fine, RELAX (in all caps). See you Thursday."

My school rocks.

Not that it really matters to me...

Since I'm "out" anyway... but school has been officially cancelled (again) by the Dean, for a football/superbowl/parade reason. Love this city...

Update on what the hell I'm doing with my life....

I couldn't take it anymore. My living situation, my relationship, finances, plus a million other things were really getting me down. I wasn't studying. I wasn't going to school. I managed to compartmentalize everything last semester and just focus on school.... but for whatever reason I couldn't make it work this semester. I stared at books without reading, cried in bed for days on end, and felt so.... so.... I don't know how to describe it. Hopeless? Not really. Overwhelmed? Ok, maybe. Numb? Yes, that's it. Just like I was existing in a parallel universe that I didn't choose or create. The only thing, and I mean the ONLY thing, that brought me happiness was med school (well, and my doggie of course). And when that started to slip, I really cracked.

So I sucked it up and made some changes.... albeit the most difficult choices I have ever made.

Change #1

I have a new house. Well, it's not really mine (unlike the 160 year-old house across town) as I am only renting.... but for the time being it's a great place and a fresh start. And all for me. Just me. A tiny antique shotgun with gleaming hardwood floors, 3 fireplaces with antique mantles, plaster medallions on the light fixtures, a jacuzzi tub, 12ft ceilings, and a brand new kitchen and bath. In a neighborhood close to school that I like. Pretty much perfect. All for the same price I would pay if I moved into the med school dorms. It's probably so cheap because it's definitely on a bit of a sketchy street. The neighborhood in general is nice, but the street, ah... not so much. Good thing I have a security system.

Change #2

Oh, not sure if I can say it. Begins with a t_ _ _ _ _ y. Which has been good. So nice to hear for a change that I'm not crazy. Quotes from the doc's I've seen...

"Wait, that REALLY happened? Or are you speaking figuratively?"

"You only took a 2 weeks off med school? You might need a year. At least a semester."

"Really? You passed your first semester? That's incredible" (thanks for the vote of confidence)

And the body language is hysterical. I thought shrinks were supposed to remain completely neutral. But I get wide eyes, shaking of head, cringes, and looks of utter disbelief. Pretty funny actually.

Remember how I told you wayyyyy back when that I scored a 700+ on the adjustment scale. (Refresher.... 150 is normal stress response to adjustment, 250 is considered "high stress")... well.... that's why I need it. Surprisingly, nice.

Change #3

Rozerem. I don't know how long I get to take it, but it is so great. I've totally reset my sleep schedule. I sleep deeply and wake up early. Naturally. And no daytime sleeping. I haven't slept this well my whole life.

Change #4

Med school. Well, as you know I took 2 weeks off. Which has been great. But I have a meeting with the Dean on Thursday... and I am VERY nervous about what will say. If he recommends that I leave school and start over next year I will die. DIE. You will see me on the news in a supermarket throwing acorn squash at the elderly and small children. Count on it.

Change #5

Boyfriend and I are changing. In an unspecified way. We thought about breaking up. But for now, we're just taking it easy. Maybe a little space will be good for us. Maybe a little space will end in a break-up. Time will tell.

Change #6

WHO DAT? I hate(d) football. With a passion. I've never watched a football game in my life until Sunday. I had to. Otherwise I would have been kicked out of the city. I'm now a Shockey fan.

Change #7

No change there. Still broke. Actually more broke.

Change #8

Happiness and relief. Feeling better already. Just 2 days into my new place. It is an incredible feeling to come home to 100% peacefulness. The apartment is warm and clean, and free of sawdust and powertools. No one else's schedule. No chaos that isn't mine. No Honduran guy tapping on my bedroom door wanting to sheetrock while I hide in the closet trying to find clean underwear. At 6:00 am. Unexpectedly... because my boyfriend forgot to tell me. On a test day.