So lets discuss all I have done this summer. Well, that's about it. Lol. No, seriously. I've re-done some furniture, been swimming a few times, been training for my marathon (which is going well, actually), procrastinated studying for my make-up physio exams, and dropped out of my Buddhist retreat. Bleh. That's a decent story.... here goes.
So my friend Kiluam went on and on about how I should go to this retreat since I am interested in Buddhism and meditation. 10 days. He did it and said it was awesome. I was a little nervous but he kept assuring me that I would love it. I purposely didn't research it bc I didn't want other's opinions to influence me. So about 2 weeks ago I drove to the Dallas area for the retreat. 10 days. 10 hours of meditation per day. No talking. No phones. No reading. No journaling. No exercise. No eating after 12 noon. No sweat? The eating thing made me nervous... but other than that I was pretty game.
When I got there I was fine. The place was nice, I had my own room, the food was good. I wasn't hungry, either. They were however, adamant that we promise to stay all 10 days. In order to give the mediation technique a fair shake. Ok, fair enough. No sweat. The first evening of meditation was nice, and the whole next day was ok, too. Silence. Meditation. Mindful eating. But 10 hours was still 10 hours. A lot. You wake up at 4:00 am, meditate 2 hours, eat breakfast at 6:30 am, mediate 'till 11. Eat lunch. Mediate 'till bedtime essentially .By the 3rd day fatigue started really setting in and I was fighting to stay awake during my mediations. It was a horrible day. All day I was fantasizing about sleep. By the time the evening rolled around I was exhausted, and trying to convince myself not to quit. But that inner discussion kept me from sleeping, which made me panic more, because I simply could not face another full day of fighting fatigue. Frankly, driving 500 miles home seemed less daunting than trying to keep it together for another full 10 hours of mediation.
So at 3:00 in the morning, a full hour before the morning gong is rung, I snuck out. I strapped all my belongings to me so I didn't have to make 2 trips, and I left like a thief in the night. Like escape from Alcatraz. I hiked to the parking lot, wheeling my suitcase off the sidewalk in the grass as to not make any noise. When I finally reached my car, I realized someone blocked me in. Luckily I have a jeep. I threw my shit in, off roaded out of the parking lot, and left.
Once I had re-gained consciousness after a few hours nap, I realized how mad I was at myself. It really was a great opportunity. And I really liked a lot of things that were said at the retreat. But I wussed out bc of sleep. When I got home I googled the course, and to my relief found literally hundreds of other people who left the course at the same time for the same reasons that I did. Which validated me. A little. Maybe I'll try again someday when I am more prepared. But probably not. I'm content to stick to my current 30-90 minutes of mediation per day.
