Seriously?

Today I met my 2nd year buddy. Based on our background and academic interests, every first year gets paired up with a 2nd year "big brother/sister" to act as an advisor/confidant/support person for all the newbies. I met my buddy Karin today at a party set up by the school. All in all she and her boyfriend (also a 2nd year) were super cool.

Here's the weird part. Now I've heard this in passing... but today a group of 2nd years (including Karin and her boyfriend), were adamant that I stop wasting my time by going to class. Essentially (according to their theory), you can save time by staying at home and watching the streamed class lectures (all our class lectures are streamed for convenience to review at your leisure online). You can stay home and study, thus saving yourself the inconvenience of waking up early, getting ready, driving to school, parking, etc... all of which takes away precious study time. Huh?

I haven't missed much class thus far, save for the trial and one day this week when a neighbor cat attacked my baby bird... (she' ok now I think)... but I feel like going to class is so important. Maybe it's just psychological... because I NEVER went to class as an undergrad and I was a terrible student. I barely ever missed class during my Masters work and got all A's (ok, 1 B+). Plus, for christ's sake I'm paying like a billion dollars for med school... shouldn't I go? Or am I being too anal? I'm not going to say it's not a huge inconvenience to get to class... because it is. And I actually look forward to the weekends with relief because I can study uninterrupted. Of course, everyone says you have to go to anatomy lab... but the lectures are a waste of time. Damn, too bad. I wouldn't mind flaking out on anatomy. (SIDENOTE) Today I flicked a piece of fat from our cadavers hand onto my face.... and I freaked out and wiped my face on one of my lab partner's shoulders... Ha! I would have been SO PISSED if somebody did that to me. But hey, we're a team and it was a severe emergency!!!

Anyway, about skipping class... I'll have to think about that a little more.

A Few Updates

1. From my posting last Sunday... I am feeling a lot better. I am definitely on an emotional roller coaster... but feeling better about my ability to hang in there

2. My friend Leslie started 90 days of rehab this week. Hopefully all will go as planned and she can get back to residency as soon as possible

3. The trial I testified in resulted in a unanimous guilty verdict for 2nd degree murder. Louisiana carries a mandatory life in prison sentence with no possibility of parole. So that is a load off my shoulders.

First Day as a Real (Fake) Doctor

As my young classmates like to say "today I felt like a BAMF"... (apparently ?) a bad ass mother fucker. Yes, folks, I got to wear my white coat for the first time today for a PBL (problem based learning session) and for clinical practice in the standardized patient clinic. The clinic is set up as a floor in one of our buildings which looks like a real clinic (it does, really). There are real clinic rooms and "standardized" patients (meaning actors that present with a set of symptoms for us to practice on). Once we complete our history, exam, etc. the actors break role and give us feedback on our performance. It is also videotaped for evaluation. It was fun. I had a woman with a "cold" so they started me out easy... but I'm sure it will get more involved over time.

For the PBL session, we get together in a small group with a professor who gives us a case. Then we review it, discuss it, and give a differential diagnosis.

Overall a pretty cool day... because getting back to the BAMF part... Now on my first day of school the faculty warned us that our community now (immediately, today) views us as doctors. The general community makes little distinction between short coats, long coats, students, residents, interns, attendings, whatever. For all intents and purposes YOU ARE A DOCTOR... SO ACT LIKE ONE. Yada yada we all laughed and nodded... but essentially blew it off.

But today. TODAY, I felt it. It's a weird thing. Something like a mix of respect, or power, or something rather indescribable. I got into an elevator with three gorgeous "put together" women in suits. I was wearing my white coat. And they were staring. And smiling. Normally a bunch of beautiful women wouldn't even look at me. Why would they? I'm just an "average" woman in an elevator. Odd. Then I drove downstairs and a female doctor in a white coat waved to me. Another anomaly that I'd never experienced before. Then (just for kicks and to continue my experiment) I wore my coat into a little store by my house. Ahead of me was an urban mom, who looked like one of those "power mom" kinda chicks. You know the well dressed flashy kind that always has somewhere to be, and speaks a little too loud when she talks to her children in public? So she was ahead of me in line with her three kids. And she was actually "flustered". At one point, she looked at me in the middle of her transaction and said "Do you want to just go ahead, I'm sure you are really busy and have to be somewhere". I almost fainted in front of the cupcake display, I swear. I politely told her to please take her time, I wasn't in a rush.

Now please don't misread why I am writing this. It isn't about power, or getting privileges, or being better. But these are three things that have NEVER happened to me before... and then all three occur on the first day I wore my coat.

This must be what the deans meant during the white coat ceremony, when they spent 2 hours discussing the great responsibility that occurs with wearing the white coat. Holy smokes, I'll take it.

Radiology Rocks

Well, I said I was going to keep my mind open... and I'm thinking radiology is totally awesome. I never thought that I'd be interested in something like that because I didn't feel it was clinical enough... but it is so cool. One of my hobbies is photography... so maybe that is one of the reasons why I like it... but overall it's like a little puzzle figuring out each image.

This week we actually had a "radiology session"... so we went into the darkroom and discussed images of the body. I'm getting the hang of it... and it's really fun.

Needless to Say

I'm really having a tough weekend. Three nervous breakdowns later I am really questioning if this is right for me. I know this is part of the process... apparently everyone feels this way. Yada yada... they give the lectures about managing stress and getting help... but crap...I feel so out of sorts I don't even want to reach out. I see classmates on facebook (lots of them .... together) boozong it up... how do they have time? On my free time all I can think about is sleeping! And really folks, I'm studying. Here's my normal schedule:

6:00 am Wake up, wash my face, walk the dog

6:30 am pack a lunch, shower (optional), get dressed, pack my backpack

7:30 head out for class

8:00 - 9:00 class starts ANATOMY

9:00 - 12:00 ANATOMY LAB

12:00-1:00 Usually a mandatory meeting (Deans, health, projects, etc)

1:00-3:00 Biochem or 1:00 to 4:00 Foundations in Medicine

4:00 head home, walk the dog, sleep 30 minutes till 5:00

5:00 - 8:30 study, then dinner

9-11:00 - study some more and optional shower

11:30 Bed

20 Things Happening in My Brain... and None of them Good

1. Did I do this just to prove that I COULD make it?

2. Do I not deserve to be here?

3. Did I try to manipulate fate by trying so hard to get into med school?

4. Can I even do anything else with my life at this point?

5. Did I waste my 20's trying to prove that I was good enough to be a doctor?

6. I don't know how to memorize this many structures

7. Can I make it?

8. I can't make it

9. No one else seems to be freaking out

10. I'm too old for this

11. I should have had babies and started an organic farm, made jam and grown herbs

12. I am so tired

13. I am so tired

14. My brain is stuffed

15. I AM studying, dammit

16. When is the refund/withdrawal date?

17. Am I the dumbest one here?

18. I am so tired

19. Two more weeks before the first block exam

20. How many fucking things can possibly be in an arm?