From a Reader.....
My God, I have absolutely no idea....but I do think about this all the time. As someone who also has never really been terribly concerned about having kids or getting married, I never even once considered this before I got into medical school. Frankly I didn't care. I always figured, "Eh, if it doesn't happen... no biggie". And to a large degree I still feel that way. But I'd be lying if I said there isn't a part of me that does think about it now. I know for a fact that I do want to be with someone... hopefully forever. That may bring marriage, it might not.... I'm fine with that. And I figure that can come at any age. But damn, that nagging kid thing. I don't even know if I want them. SHOULD I want kids? Is there something wrong with me if I don't? Honestly, I think the only times I've ever really even briefly WANTED children was when I met a guy that I really liked... and my semi-psychotic female automatic future-life-planner drive went into high gear for a few moments and I thought... Sigh, I'd love to have children if it was with HIM. But then.... once the gleam of the guy faded... so did the desire for children. Which begs the question... do I actually want children (I think yes, when the time...and guy... is right)....and what happens when I find the perfectly right guy that I want to have children with and it DOES work out? Will it be too late? And that concerns me. Will I regret all the times maybe I could have settled down with a nice guy and had kids 10 years ago?
I doubt it. First of all, did I really "give up" having children? No. Its not like I met the PERFECT guy for me and said "sorry sucka, I'm going to med school, later".... I mean there were nice guys, great guys, but nobody that I wanted to be with forever. So really I didn't really sacrifice something I wanted for med school... I left something behind that I felt blase about and headed towards a dream. Not settling for the wrong guy is something I will never, ever regret.
Let's just say for a moment, hypothetically, that I did settle for one of the guys in my life and got married and had kids at the expense of becoming a physician. I can, undoubtably, say that for me (for ME, people) that would have been a decision I truly regretted. Every single day. I thought about becoming a doctor all day every day for years. Kids and husband? I thought about that when the mood struck me.
So maybe the real question is, do I regret not actively seeking the perfect husband who I could have had children with and with whom I could still be a doctor? Eh, maybe occasionally. I don't regret it right now, because honestly I'm GLAD not to have children at this point in my life. But I bet that 15 years from now, if I'm still single, I will have a different answer.
" I thought about becoming a doctor all day every day for years."
ReplyDeleteI'm 21 and in the midst of applying to med school right now, with cold feet about the whole thing. That sentence made me realize I've done the same thing. Not a day has gone by for the past 4 years where I didn't think about being a doctor. I'm doing the right thing.
Thanks. You're awesome. I'm a long time reader. :)
Oh, and on a social level, I wish more people like you WOULD have children. It's unfortunate that it winds up being the best and brightest who don't have kids. Dumb people procreating scares me.
What an excellent post. I think I may bookmark this and go back to it in those darker, did I make the right decision moments.
ReplyDeleteAt 27 and single for the last 5 years, kids are something that I feel like I should want, rather than something that I do want. Sometimes I feel sad for my mom but now my two brothers are having children, so that guiltiness is all but gone.
I figure if, and thats a big if because I want kids less everyday, I every get kicked in the stomach by my biological clock, I'd adopt an older sibling pair, someone with special needs. I'd rather give kids like that a family anyway.
I remember when I was 26 just starting my post-bac, a friend of mine said to me, "Why would you want to go to med school? Don't you want to get married and have kids?"
ReplyDeleteI didn't even have a boyfriend at the time! I do have a husband now, but like you I never planned my life around getting married and having kids. I always figured that if the right guy came along, we could get married and that would be great, but it wasn't THE priority of my life. Now that I am married, it really is fabulous, but again, with kids, it's something that if it happens it happens. If I feel differently and I'm 45 and can't have them myself, there are other options.
All along though, it always seemed silly for me to sacrifice my dreams, something I could control, for something that was a big question mark for me as to whether it would happen at all. So far, no regrets!
Great post. This is something I think about a lot now that I'm 34, still in residency, and watching my friends have babies. I've never been someone who has really wanted to have children, but I do regularly wonder if I'll regret being childless in a decade or so once having biological children becomes completely impossible. Unfortunately, I don't think any of us can really know until we reach that point. I just try to follow my heart and do what I think will bring me the most happiness - which at the moment is getting off my butt and studying!
ReplyDeleteFor me, not going to medical school is a non-issue. I'm 30 and will hopefully be starting at 33/34 once I complete some prereqs. My family feels that since I've been with my boyfriend of 4 years (and because my mom did it), I should give up on becoming a doctor and focus on my relationship, marriage and kids. First off, we will get married when its supposed to happen, people CAN and DO get married while in med school. Secondly, I have RA and call me selfish, but I am not willing to go off my meds which have made my life wonderful all in the hopes of having a child. The risk and fear of damaging non-bothersome joints or developing more problems is just too great for me.
ReplyDeleteI think for women, that thought of whether we should go the "traditional" route, which is get married and have kids by a certain point in our life will always be there. Especially for women like me who comes from a family where traditionally the women did what was convenient so that they can have or accomodate their family. I don't want to grow up like my mother, whom I love dearly, and discourage my future daughter from pursing her lifelond dream or whatever career she chooses. What she does with her life is HER life, as long as she is safe. If medicine is what you want, then we as women should think to ourselves "Okay this is one route to go, but I think I'm going to go this way..." and pursue our dreams of becoming doctors. For all of us, if we are meant to marry and have kids, it will happen when its supposed to. We shouldn't feel pressured by family, society or anyone or anything else to settle, in our personal life or our careers.
I am an almost-30, soon to be med student. Marriage and children are extremely important to me. I am upset now that life hasn't presented me with that opportunity yet. In the meantime, I was miserable doing what I was doing and I needed to change paths. If I do find myself in a happy relationship a few years down the line, I would not hesitate to take time off from school, or before residency, and make things work. My life comes before any career.
ReplyDeleteI'm a 36 year old specialist physician and my wife is the same age and we are having our first baby soon. In retrospect we would have had kids at the earliest time that worked for us and put enjoyment of life and kids first and second and medical education a distant third. Every MD we know that has deferred or lost the opportunity to have kids or marry really regrets that choice when 40 or so comes around. We both feel that we put way too much effort into our careers for not much personal return. Although our jobs are pretty good now neither of us would do medicine again; it's a A work for a C quality job. Medicine is a giving field. Don't give too much away or you will really regret it. Remember you are not an unlimited resource.
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