Jumping Back In

Well, I've been back to school for 2 days now... and I've already interviewed a med school applicant (who sounded so much like me I was scared she'd read my blog... incidentally I LOVED her!) AND transitioned to my new job in our student-run free clinic. Sweet. And I went to school of course. So I'm getting back in the swing of things which is nice. The rest of the class has a physio exam tomorrow but (yay!) I don't. Cause I get to take it in the summer (not so yay).

Comments

I didn't realize that my comment section was for registered users only. I changed it so everyone should be able to comment. Sorry about that!

Real Life

Starts again tomorrow. I'm headed back to school... and to catch up with all the junk I missed. Not going to lie. Feeling a little nervous.

Doing Laundry

I was having sort of a "whatever" kind of day. Feeling a little haggard after my move, a little discombobulated living in a new place, a little sad to have left my house, and a bit down about missing so much school and getting behind. And I was doing laundry. Probably on my top 10 things I hate doing. Well, maybe top 20. Anyway. Low and behold at precisely the perfect moment (while collecting whites), I pulled out my white coat. THE White Coat. As I started removing my pins and clinic charts, I had an epiphany.

HOLY SHIT. I'm going to be a F@#&$%! DOCTOR!!!!!

Things just don't seem so bad when you can say that for real.

YAY!

Best news ever...

Moments When I Almost Quit

Pre-med that is. So many emails from my readers have reminded me of these moments.. so I thought I'd write them down...

1. Freaking out before my first G-Chem exam when (Oh, WAYYY back when) I arrived and classmates were doing the classic pre-test freak out (asking questions and making me aware of the things I DIDN'T know). I got a C on my first exam. Subsequently, I failed the class because I stayed up all night studying for the final... and accidentally set my alarm wrong and slept through the exam. I was too ashamed to confess to the professor. So I took the F. I was 19 years old.

2. The pre-med counselor at my undergraduate university said it would be next to impossible for me to go to med school. I should essentially just drop the idea all together. I still remember his little pin-head. He probably wanted to go to med school, but gave up and became a pre-med counselor instead. Pin-head.

3. After finishing my first PBPM year at Harvard I had done pretty well in all my classes. But then at the very end I got a C+ in Gen Chem II. I was camping on vacation in Maine with all my friends... glad to be out for the summer. I went into town to check my grades and found out my final grade. I was literally not a happy camper for the rest of the trip. After that I decided I was going to scrap the whole med school idea, and I actually wrote an ENTIRE book about a girl who dropped out of med school. Hmmm. It was therapeutic I guess.

4. After MCAT disaster #1 I was devastated. I actually gave up on the med school idea for a while and went and got my Masters. After MCAT #2, I improved... but MCAT #3 was HUGELY emotionally disappointing.... as I actually went down 1 point. Uh. Thank god for MCAT #4.

5. The first round of rejections from med school weren't so bad because I was totally expecting it after my crappy MCAT #1. The SECOND round however, was awful. I was rejected by my current school right away. Then I had two interviews, both at state schools in my home state. In the first interview I was totally stoked. But my interviewer decided to be "brutally" honest with me because she "liked" me. And said that despite being invited for an interview that I should not expect to be accepted. I had a 28 on the MCAT... and although my application was great in many ways... she thought I needed 2 more points. And she was adamant about that. So I left, feeling horribly dejected. So dejected in fact, that I decided to skip my interview the next day at the 2nd state school... as emotionally I just didn't want to deal with that again. The interview was a couple of hours drive away... and I told my parents I was not going. They understood.

The next day my parents woke me up and asked if maybe I just wanted to get dressed for the interview... and we could drive on down to the University and see how I feel. If I wanted to go, fine. If not, we could spend the day touring around. I agreed and sloppily threw my suit on. With a too-casual shirt and a bag that didn' t match. We got there and I decided to go ahead and interview. But there was construction and I was late. And I forgot to spit out my gum. And I switched interviewers because some other kid was friends with his. And I was so so hot. It was a nightmare. But the interview started and it went rather well. I even ended up talking about my previous experience at the other school. And to my amazement the interviewer was really interested in me. And at the end he said "Well, I think you have a great shot at getting in. And I'M the chair of the admissions committee... so I can say that with authority. So consider yourself at the very least on the wait list. Possibly accepted right away" I ended up on the wait list... which missed me by about 12 people.

6. I had been working for a neuroscience professor for about 5 months. The position was extremely coveted...as all the pre-meds wanted to work for this specific professor. But she was really hard core. She expected year(s) long commitments...and most of the students had been with her forever. I was one of two undergraduate students that she allowed to work there. Unpaid and without the possibility of publication. I had a key to the labs and was assigned a project. And I worked HARD. I would come in at 2:00am and work until class started in the morning. Then I'd go to class, go home, study, sleep and start over. I did this for several months. I went to every lab meeting, prepared for journal club, cleaned the lab on my scheduled day. The whole bit. When the time came to apply to med school I asked for a letter of recommendation. And her response was "Well, if I write you a letter, I would be forced to compare you to the others in the lab. And you do the least. So I'm afraid it wouldn't look good for you". WTF???? Compare me to the others? You mean the other PhD and Masters students? Who get PAID and PUBLISHED and who aren't here at 3:00am? That sucked. A lot.

7. Um getting rejected by the Dean at my current school was crushing. The story is essentially that one dean really liked me and told me I'd be a great fit for the school. She pretty much promised me a spot. We'd been communicating pretty regularly... so I was pretty secure that I would get a spot. All of the sudden, communication stopped. And it was October and I hadn't heard anything for weeks. Since I was employed at the same school, my boss called the admissions office on my behalf and requested a review of my file. The next week I got a rejection letter. I felt so betrayed. The next summer when I approached the Dean again, she seemed shocked to see me. She explained that she had put me in for an interview the previous year... but she goes on vacation every year in October... and that's why she didn't communicate with me. When my boss called, Dean #2 must have pulled my file from the interviews, reviewed it, for whatever reason didn't like it, and rejected me. That's her story. True? Not so sure. But it made me feel better.

New Pad

I'm all moved in. The place is great. A brand new Vera Wang, white, queen size, Eurotop, marshmallow lovely all for me. Some old furniture I found in the rubble of my house that I spruced up with some paint to give the "shabby chic" look. A few new dishes and a polished silver coffee press. A beautiful oil painting I found at a thrift store. And my boyfriend is building me a closet. These old shotguns don't have them for whatever reason. So I'm happy as a clam. All except for the fact that last night at 3:00am someone torched a car outside my front door (not mine). That I'm working on getting used to.

And I studied today. Yay!

I LOVE MY SCHOOL

Basically here's the scoop.

PETRIFIED, I went in to see the Dean yesterday. I was certain he was going to stomp or yell or do something really bad. But he didn't. In fact, he didn't seem to care much at all. His attitude was very blase... something to the effect of

"Eh, no biggie..."

AS SOME KOOKY DRUM MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND, HE PULLS ON HIS BOWTIE AND SAYS "Ella, we aren't in the habit of kicking students out of med school. We much prefer to graduate them. You had trouble on one test and you're a little behind? That's not such a big deal. Go talk to your professors. If they don't help you let me know."

A LITTLE SHAKEY, I said "Ok, thanks"... and breathed a sigh of relief.

POSITIVE THAT SOME PROFESSOR WOULD MAKE ME TAKE MY EXAM TOMORROW AS PUNISHMENT... I emailed each one and proposed a timeline for make-ups. Including a couple in the summer. So I didn't have to stress and double up my work.

STUNNED... I opened my email to realize that they all agreed to my plan.

RELIEVED... I made cookies and picked up my biochem book to study in my new lovely house.

A Message From the Dean (For Realsies)

Folks,

Please enjoy your first Mardi Gras as medical students. We want you to have a good time and be safe. Remember, the two things that can get you in trouble are:

1. Disrespecting a police officer
2. Public urination

Be safe and have fun.

The Dean

RELAX

Like I said, I'm supposed to meet with the Dean on Thursday to determine my fate. But I just couldn't wait... so I emailed him early to find out if he was going to kick me to the curb. Alas, he says he's not. In fact, his email said "I've seen your grades, everything is fine, RELAX (in all caps). See you Thursday."

My school rocks.

Not that it really matters to me...

Since I'm "out" anyway... but school has been officially cancelled (again) by the Dean, for a football/superbowl/parade reason. Love this city...

Update on what the hell I'm doing with my life....

I couldn't take it anymore. My living situation, my relationship, finances, plus a million other things were really getting me down. I wasn't studying. I wasn't going to school. I managed to compartmentalize everything last semester and just focus on school.... but for whatever reason I couldn't make it work this semester. I stared at books without reading, cried in bed for days on end, and felt so.... so.... I don't know how to describe it. Hopeless? Not really. Overwhelmed? Ok, maybe. Numb? Yes, that's it. Just like I was existing in a parallel universe that I didn't choose or create. The only thing, and I mean the ONLY thing, that brought me happiness was med school (well, and my doggie of course). And when that started to slip, I really cracked.

So I sucked it up and made some changes.... albeit the most difficult choices I have ever made.

Change #1

I have a new house. Well, it's not really mine (unlike the 160 year-old house across town) as I am only renting.... but for the time being it's a great place and a fresh start. And all for me. Just me. A tiny antique shotgun with gleaming hardwood floors, 3 fireplaces with antique mantles, plaster medallions on the light fixtures, a jacuzzi tub, 12ft ceilings, and a brand new kitchen and bath. In a neighborhood close to school that I like. Pretty much perfect. All for the same price I would pay if I moved into the med school dorms. It's probably so cheap because it's definitely on a bit of a sketchy street. The neighborhood in general is nice, but the street, ah... not so much. Good thing I have a security system.

Change #2

Oh, not sure if I can say it. Begins with a t_ _ _ _ _ y. Which has been good. So nice to hear for a change that I'm not crazy. Quotes from the doc's I've seen...

"Wait, that REALLY happened? Or are you speaking figuratively?"

"You only took a 2 weeks off med school? You might need a year. At least a semester."

"Really? You passed your first semester? That's incredible" (thanks for the vote of confidence)

And the body language is hysterical. I thought shrinks were supposed to remain completely neutral. But I get wide eyes, shaking of head, cringes, and looks of utter disbelief. Pretty funny actually.

Remember how I told you wayyyyy back when that I scored a 700+ on the adjustment scale. (Refresher.... 150 is normal stress response to adjustment, 250 is considered "high stress")... well.... that's why I need it. Surprisingly, nice.

Change #3

Rozerem. I don't know how long I get to take it, but it is so great. I've totally reset my sleep schedule. I sleep deeply and wake up early. Naturally. And no daytime sleeping. I haven't slept this well my whole life.

Change #4

Med school. Well, as you know I took 2 weeks off. Which has been great. But I have a meeting with the Dean on Thursday... and I am VERY nervous about what will say. If he recommends that I leave school and start over next year I will die. DIE. You will see me on the news in a supermarket throwing acorn squash at the elderly and small children. Count on it.

Change #5

Boyfriend and I are changing. In an unspecified way. We thought about breaking up. But for now, we're just taking it easy. Maybe a little space will be good for us. Maybe a little space will end in a break-up. Time will tell.

Change #6

WHO DAT? I hate(d) football. With a passion. I've never watched a football game in my life until Sunday. I had to. Otherwise I would have been kicked out of the city. I'm now a Shockey fan.

Change #7

No change there. Still broke. Actually more broke.

Change #8

Happiness and relief. Feeling better already. Just 2 days into my new place. It is an incredible feeling to come home to 100% peacefulness. The apartment is warm and clean, and free of sawdust and powertools. No one else's schedule. No chaos that isn't mine. No Honduran guy tapping on my bedroom door wanting to sheetrock while I hide in the closet trying to find clean underwear. At 6:00 am. Unexpectedly... because my boyfriend forgot to tell me. On a test day.

Nonsense

Since I'm going through all this nonsense, my posting might be a bit sparse. I'm trying to throw in a few old unpublished posts (see below)... just to keep the blog rolling. Hopefully I'll get back on track soon. Ok, off to move furniture.

Trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL

TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

Wow. Oh, wow. So I took a one week excused leave from med school. Which now, I can tell, is clearly not enough time. In a moment of crises I headed to the student health center to seek a little help... and the Doc says to me "you want my opinion as a doctor or as your friend"? WTF kind of question is that? Our conversation went something like this...

Me: WTF kind of question is that?

Him: Well, as a physician, I'd probably give you some sleep aid and refer you to some counseling, tell you to come see me in a few days.

Me: And as a "friend"?

Him: I'd tell you that I've never seen another student experience the same levels of shit you've experienced and not drop out of school. Or at least take a semester off.

Me: HA! Well, I don't know if you've checked the tuition fee schedule in the last 20 years, but taking a semester off costs me about $39,000.00. And a year of my life. Which at my age I'm not that willing to give up. Plus, frankly, medical school is the only thing I actually LIKE about life right now.

Him: Well, you can pay $39,000.00 and take time off to get your life together... or you can pay $39,000.00 and be back here two weeks from now when you've really cracked... AND you can have a big fat FAIL on your record.

Me: (silently in thought) touche. (out loud) Can I have the fucking sleeping pills?

So I took the script for Rozerem... which is some melatonin thingy I don't really understand and at the same time is like manna from heaven. The shit works. And I don't feel like, well, shit the next day. I also took a week off of school. I also moved. Or rather I am in the process of moving. Which is the bane of my existence.... as I am kind of a physical wimp and as well a VERY bad packer.

Now I have to figure out what to do about the massive amount of work that I have to catch up on. What's more horrible than having to take time out of med school? Having to look forward to DOUBLE med school to make up for all you've missed.

I won!!! Thanks to my readers!!! And thanks Dr. D!

Last Day

To vote for me!!!

F$%@*&! GREAT

Well, life has gone completely to shit in the past 2 weeks. Because a billion people I know read this damn thing, I can't even really vent anon on here... so I'll just say it involves the following.

First, I haven't gone to school in over a week. I missed 2 exams. I have a new house and I'm moving. Alone. My dog can't come with me, which breaks my heart. I didn't imagine the post before last. I've been crying and sleeping a lot, wrestling in my mind about decisions I am making. And I have no money. None.

My cup runneth over. And not in the good way. Feel free to send good vibes my way. Or groceries.

VOTE FOR ME!!!

Hey readers! I'm up for the "Big D" award in med student blogging! Go vote for me (should you think my blog is the best!)

Thanks D! You rock!

VOTE HERE

~Ella

Well...

It hasn't been confirmed, but I would put money down that I just failed my biochem exam. Lots of money.

Admissions Interviews

I'm on the student admissions committee, and today I'm interviewing a med school applicant. Like I mentioned before, at my school the student vote counts for 1/3 of the admissions decision. So if you're interviewing today, good luck!