Advice for your Med School Personal Statement

So not to toot my own horn, but toot, toot. When I want to be, (ie. not when I'm blogging or writing lame-o "fear essays") I am a very good writer. Especially when it comes to personal statements. How do I know this? For the following reasons:

1) I've been told in interviews that my PS was in the top 5% of the ones the interviewer had ever read.

2) My friends recommend me out to their friends to write/help/edit their PS's

3) Friends have reported back to me that their interviewers complimented their personal statements.

4) Essays I've written have received interviews at Harvard, Mayo, UCLA, Yale, UPenn, NYU, Mt. Sinai, etc.

So TOOT TOOT!!

Anyway, I'm done bragging but here's my advice.

1. If you know you suck at writing, or are even an average writer, seek help. Get a 2nd opinion and a 102nd opinion. Spell check. Grammar. And lose the freaking run-on sentences. Also, do a word frequency check (by eye). Did you use the same word 18 times in your essay? Did you say "I believe that" 3 times in one paragraph. Fix that. It's super annoying to readers.

2. Pick one direction, go with it. It's the worst to read a completely unorganized essay. Beginning with story 1, jumping to advice your father gave you, then describing your childhood dreams, then jumping to story 2, then describing your dog. Blah blah blah.

3. If you accomplish nothing else in your essay, demonstrate the following two things. 1) you UNWAVERING commitment to whatever you are applying for and why you want to do it, and 2) demonstrate your capabilities in the MOST HUMBLE POSSIBLE WAY. Any hint that this is anything less than your dream job is going to be a red flag. That and being an egotistical a-hole.

4. What you want to do is construct an interesting NARRATIVE that your reader will continue reading until the end. Cliche as it may seem, a story is always best because it makes your reader interested. The LAST thing you want is your Ad-com officer to be mentally exhausted and or irritated from trying to follow an illogical essay or just from TRYING to get to the end. Write a story (true or made up) in which you can weave all your cool little details into.

5. Your essay is not the time to describe every attribute about yourself in complete detail. The idea is to weave in interesting tidbits that will make your reader want to reference your application and look it over more closely. Like "Wow, how did this guy learn Farsi?"... or "Wait, this chick is 24 and she spent 3 years in Djibouti teaching... how is that possible?". If you do it correctly you will effectively coerce your reader to investigate your application more thoroughly instead of just giving it a once over.

6. Use this checklist to make sure you haven't done anything grossly offensive

• Did you come off egotistical?
• Do you put ANYONE down in your essay? Stupid professors, unsupportive counselors, etc. This is a no-no.
• Do you blame ANYONE except yourself for weak spots in your application? This is bad. For example, there is a difference between saying that your grades in college were sub-par because you were splitting energy between school and your full-time job vs. blaming your crappy grades on the fact that your parents cut you off from parental scholarship and you were forced to get a job.
• Is there ANYTHING that can be interpreted as racist, sexist, political, or religious? You should probably lose that stuff.
• Ok, here's a big one. Do you even HINT that you are interested in your chosen field because of money? Meaning you use the phrase "I really enjoy the lifestyle that medicine will afford me"? Definitely LOSE THAT. That's a BIG RED FLAG, BLACK BALL, whatever you want to call it.
• Do you mention that you are going into field X because your parents want you to? Or because your dad is also an X, and you want to be one too?
• Are you overstating your qualifications? Don't make your shadowing experience seem like you were doing lumbar punctures. Everyone on the ad-com will know you're a liar. Or at least a severe exaggerator.
• Name dropping. That's lame.

Here's some great stuff to include if you can:

• Foreign language abilities
• Clinical experiences
• Pre-med moments which made you REALLY want to be a doctor, or moments that made you really uncomfortable
• Your family status. You don't have to, but I think mentioning your kids or spouse is often indicative of your maturity and the diversity you will bring to the class
• teaching experience - adcoms love this. teachers make great learners
• international experiences
• demonstrating that you aren't a stress-basket

Ok, that's all for now. Good luck!

My Official Opinion

1st Year Med School... no sweat

2nd Year Med School...sweat

First year was so easy (for the most part). What the eff happened?

Itching!

Today my friend Dr. J asked me to pick up his kid at school because he was stuck in GI. I was supposed to pick him up at his fancy schmancy private school at 12:30.

As I'm driving there, at about 12:25, I get a sudden and intense itch attack on my legs. Both legs, all over. I just took a shower, so maybe I soaped and shaved my legs in the wrong order? Who knows? But I'm going crazy and despite the fact that I'm going to be late I stop at Walgreens to get some cream. I actually have an awesome concoction of a couple products I use for anti-itch, so I picked them up and paid for them in the pharmacy section. I immediately ran to the pharmacy waiting area after I paid and started slathering on the stuff, cause I was about to explode.

This little old man is watching me and he says "is that good for itchin'? I been itchin' and I can't stop! I think I got into some ivy!"

So I sit down next to him and offer him some of my concoction and explain how it works. He seems happy when it works almost immediately and he says "You should be a doctor"

I smile and reply "You think so?"

I'm reveling in this moment when I realize I'm in Walgreens putting itch cream on a stranger and I forgot Dr. J's kid at school. Crap!

Bone Marrow Donation

The New York Times posted an article on an important topic today. Bone Marrow donation. All it takes is about 5 minutes to register and swab the inside of your mouth. You can save someone's life. I'm on the list. You should be too....

Well, it's true

So yesterday we had a group problem solving session on bleeding and coagulation, etc. The professor starts talking about warfarin, and asks the question "So where do we see warfarin?". And everybody is dead silent. Kind of a weird question. Um, at the pharmacy? In patients who just had a PE? In Nazi Germany?

No one answers.

Of course, OF COURSE, he looks at me and repeats the question. Me. My brain is thinking where do I SEE warfarin? Shit, I'll take my best guess.

ME: Um, rat poison?

PROFESSOR: (Slaps his forehead and guffaws in disbelief) No! No! Do you want to be a doctor??

Apparently the answer he was looking for was in clover. A special kind of clover. Of course!!! I'm such an idiot!

PMAD - Pre-Med Associated Depression

Yes, I'm writing about it. Generally PMAD doesn't kick in until about October (when one of the following things may happen), but I thought I'd write about it a little early... just for pre-emptive purposes.

1) You've had an "oh shit" moment in (insert ridiculously difficult pre-med class here). Probably you failed the mid-term, you are totally behind, or you have no idea what the fuck is going on. You then start awfulizing and realizing that you really only have about 8 chances (your pre-med class grades) to really prove yourself though your GPA. The fact that you are barely passing (or outright failing) Physics and Gen Chem are not good for your overall pre-med momentum. Now you have to work extra hard to pass the classes. And extra hard in your remaining 6 classes to make up for your less than stellar grades. Uh.

2) You may be already in the application process. By October you haven't gotten any interviews, and you no longer can deny that you aren't getting in this year. A cascade of "what the hell am I going to do with my life", "I'm a loser", "I'm going to law school", "I can't think of ANYTHING else I want to do with my life", "F&%$#@G MCAT!!", "My parents are going to kill me", "What am I going to tell everyone????", and a few more rounds of "I'm a loser" all ensue. And repeat.

3) You got your late results back from a summer MCAT, they suck, and now you have to stand around scratching your ass until January to retake. Another year of your life down the drain.

Don't worry. This happens to all of us. It's part of the med school game. Bad news? It doesn't really stop after you get into med school. Good news? In med school you'll NEVER have to do a freakin' physics or o-chem problem EVER!!

So Thankful

I am so thankful to be at my school that I cannot even express it. After receiving several phone calls this week from friends at other med schools, I am now convinced that I attend the absolute best med school on earth. One friend stressing beyond belief, one friend being forced to go to a hearing to determine "repeat 2nd year vs. dismissal", and many others who just haven't enjoyed their med school experience.

I am so fortunate to be blessed with wonderful administration, caring professors, fun classmates, a relaxed (and entertaining!) learning environment, lots of extra time, tons of professional opportunities, all the while living in an incredible city.

This school appreciates my strengths, and doesn't seem to give a crap about my weaknesses. I can continue my "real life" outside of med school without compromising my studies. I don't have to compete with my peers for grades. I don't have to stress if I pass a class with only a 78%. The professors know my name. They even know where I sit. It's wonderful.

It was fate that brought me here. I now know that the time it took to get to med school was so well worth it. If I went a year (or 5!) earlier, or later, I know I would have gone to another school. Maybe a place I got wait-listed at, or possibly I would have made connections that drew me elsewhere. Things happen for a reason. Always. I know I would not have had such a wonderful experience anywhere else.

May your med school days be as wonderful as mine!

Officially, Officially, Officially

Passed 1st year. It's in writing!

To the person

who found my blog by googling "How do I walk a corpse past cops?" please go away. That's really creepy, and I think you're in the wrong spot.

Also... to those typing things like

"Age 17 + 40 MCAT + early anesthesiology residency"

you are probably in the wrong spot too.

Singing Pathology Professor (My School ROCKS!)

Now tell me, folks. At what med school* (besides mine) will a pathology professor play the accordion and sing to you on your first day as a second year med student? Here's proof!

He sang the "itis, oma, emia" song! Hysterical!

*Ok, when I was a t Harvard, my chemistry professor came dressed in a tux and a cape (?) and sang opera to us before our final exam. That was pretty cool. But there was no accordion.

Genital Herpes and a Crystal Ball

Oh, dear. Where to begin? Well for the 5th Saturday in a row I have worked at the student-run free clinic. And I've seen some interesting stuff. Tonsils the size of golf-balls, goiters, "Surprise you're pregnant!", gout, abscesses, etc. But today I diagnosed a 70 year old woman with genital herpes. She'd had it for 4o (F-O-U-R-T-Y!!!) years thinking it was a yeast infection and trying to treat it with Monistat.

Just so happened on my way home my mom and dad called (they always call as a speaker-phone "unit"). When they asked what I was doing, I told them about my patient.

My Mom's reaction was stellar.

MOM: You mean? You? You. Do THAT? They LET you do THAT? I mean, you? Wow. Oh. oh. OK. You just... you just really... you know... you... LOOKED?

ME: No Mom. Nowadays we have these cool doctor crystal balls. You just ask it for the diagnosis... and poof! It says "genital herpes"

MOM: Smart Ass

DAD: (in the background) I think I'd ask that crystal ball again until I got a different answer.

ME: Smart Ass.

One Caveat

Thanks everybody for the congrats.

One thing that sucks though is that although I am officially a 2nd year now, I have to complete one month of 2nd year classes before summer starts. Then we have about 2 months off for summer. Then back to 2nd year. Kinda lame.

Back to school on Monday. But it's cool cause the newness hasn't worn off and all the professors keep coming up and saying "Congrats on being an MS2"

Yay!

As Of Today

I am officially

1/4 of an M.D.

AND a

SECOND YEAR MED STUDENT!!!

Say What?

Today we had an SP session (standardized patient) for neuro cases. Our SP was a little out there. Actually a lot out there. Like a 45+ year old woman in a belly shirt in a med school. Ok, whatever. When my turn came around, I was the only one who had to do the full run down... like the H&P, plus the neurological exam, etc. We can "time-in" to the scenario and "time-out" to get help or ask a question whenever we like. Which I did... since it was a specific case and not just a simple full CN exam.

At the end she is supposed to give us feedback. Like, "good job" or "you suck" etc. But she got all touchy feely on me.

HER: "So how did that feel for you?"

ME: "Fine thanks"

HER: "But how did you FEEL?"

ME: "Um fine. Normal. It was easy."

HER: "It's ok to admit you were nervous. This was your first time"

ME: "Well this wasn't my first time doing this, and I really didn't feel nervous"

HER: "Well, I FELT your nervousness"

ME(outloud): Sigh. and oops... I rolled my eyes.

ME: (silently):You're irritating. And showing 9 inches of your stomach is not cool past the age of 11. Put a shirt on.

Now, I may be a lot of things. Probably too talkative, lacking prefrontal cortex impulse control, ADD, too excitable, over confidant, no sense of my own limitations, loud, etc. But folks, NERVOUS is something I'm not. Unless I'm actually doing a life or death procedure on a real patient. Or if I'm around Mr. Stupidly Gorgeous. And he's in Boston or Italy or somewhere equally exotic.

ME! NERVOUS! Hmmph!

It makes it difficult...

To remain president of annoying Neuro prof's UN-FAN club upon discovering that this professor really is a great physician. Like a REALLY great physician. Damn.

I GOT PICKED

For the Nike Women's Marathon!!!!!

Haiti

So I have a GREAT opportunity to go to Haiti this summer with a group of Docs and med students to set up field clinics. All I have to buy is a plane ticket and $200 to pay for our lodging/food/etc. from the camp. AND I'll get about $600 funding from various academic travel grant sources. So all in all I would only need like $400.

Which isn't so much. Unless you consider the fact that I still have a $5000 deficit. This SUCKS!

Boo!

Can We Discuss This??

There is a phenomenon among highly educated women that I have noticed over and over... and I don't really understand it. I have discussed it with a few people... so I know it's not all in my imagination. I have seen it among my friends, colleagues, classmates, and even in my own life on occasion. Of course these are going to be broad generalizations.... but I'm curious if anyone else has noticed it.

That is that highly educated women are often in relationships with men who aren't. Often I've seen women with MD/PhD's/JD's etc. in relationships with men who have never stepped foot into a University... for anything. Not to say that there is anything wrong with this. But I find it interesting.

I've also noticed that highly educated men are usually paired with women who have at least some form of higher education. In fact, off the top of my head I can't think of one male physician I know whose wife or girlfriend didn't at least finish college (whether she USES her degree is something else entirely). But tons of female physicians/attorneys/etc. are invested with men who are firefighters, mechanics, paramedics, enlisted military, etc.

Is there some explanation for this? Is it related to dominance, intimidation, what? Or do these women just think firefighters and mechanics are manly and sexy (fair enough!). I have no clue.

In my own experience I can say that I have (in my past life) dated many men who fit into this category. Firefighters, police officers, computer techs, etc. And while I always started the relationship not caring a hoot about their level of education, it inevitably became an issue between us. Either because we didn't have enough in common, or because of a mutual lack of respect for the other's opinion.

Anyway, I'd like to hear what you guys think. It's interesting to say the least.

A Nice Note

From a 3rd year (the one who I said rocks!)

"You did a really superb job on Sat. Your interviewing skills are quite relaxed and fluid and your thinking is right on. You will have a very easy transition into your clinical years."

YAY!

Family Medicine

Is swiftly falling off my list. Today I worked with a family med doctor who was young and seemed pretty cool. But I was so bored I wanted to DIE. First of all, the patients I saw were less than exciting. Sinus problems, hypertension, diabetes, allergies, etc. But, hey, that's ok.... these things are important too. So in clinic myself and a 3rd year (who pretty much was a kick-ass rockstar) did the entire H and P on the patient. So the attending just had to come in and confirm our findings. With every other doc this takes just a few minutes.

Not today however. It took this guy 30 minutes. 30 MINUTES!!!! 30 minutes to tell the patient to get Zyrtec OTC at Walgreens. There were 3 med students, a patient and an attending crammed into a tiny little room with inadequate air-conditioning for 30 minutes. I was cursing family medicine the ENTIRE TIME. I could have rounded on 40+ patients in the ED in that amount of time.

Sorry Dr. D. I still think you rock, though. :)

Top 10 Mistakes Pre-Meds Make

1. Not majoring in something you ENJOY, are GOOD AT, and you can get GOOD GRADES in.

2. Not listening to what an admissions officer tells you. Really listening. If they say, "I think you should consider the Carribean", don't waste your time applying there. If they say "I think you need 3 more points on your MCAT", don't apply to THEIR school until you have 3 more points. They aren't lying to you.

3. Asking people for letters of recommendation who suck at writing. Better to have a fabulous letter from some yahoo than 2 generic lines from a Nobel laureate.

4. Not taking full length practice MCATS. Timed. Lots of them.

5. LISTENING to pre-med advisors. Bleh.

6. Spending tons of money on high profile PBPM programs. Go to state school. It's cheap and adequate. Also, don't go to community college unless they have a VERY reputable science/pre-med department. Most admissions committees are not too keen on CC's unless they know their curriculum.

7. Focusing too much on "volunteer" work. No admissions committee gives a crap about you having a billion volunteer hours. They want to see that you are involved and committed to your community, that you are altruistic, and that you have clinical experience. If you are able to demonstrate these things in your application, racking up hundreds of hours of volunteer work is totally unnecessary.

8. Being too passive. American culture tells us that we shouldn't be pushy, that we shouldn't ask for favors, etc. That's fine if you have a stellar application with a 3.8 and a 40 on the MCAT and you've singlehandedly revamped the water system in Djibouti. For the rest of us, get assertive. Note: I am NOT advocating that you be obnoxious, pushy or annoying. But contact the Deans, make appointments, write letters, have a faculty member call on your behalf, etc. I lost out on an entire year because I didn't want to be "pushy" and the Dean simply forgot about me.

9. Stressing. About everything. But you can't avoid it. You're a pre-med.

10.Letting the MCAT and the application process affect your feelings of self-worth. I can honestly say that I do not know even one medical student that breezed through every single aspect of this process. There is a huge disconnect between a pre-meds perception of themselves and their perception of the ease to which everyone else supposedly gets into med school. And if you're going to be in the medical field, get used to going up against adversity. Because now its the MCAT and the application. But in med school you have to beat the USMLE. Then its residency application. Then competition for fellowships. Then competition for faculty, and tenure, and on and on. It will never be over. Get some perspective and enjoy the journey.

GOOD LUCK !!!!

Lo Lo

One of my best friends has decided to go to med school. Well, I think she's pretty much convinced. I met her because we were getting our Masters degrees at the same time, back in 2006, and we've been friends ever since. We even worked together as epidemiologists for the state.

So even though I'm probably going to get my ass kicked for it, I want to put her story on here. First because she needs a team cheering for her, and second because I think her story is a good one.... (probably 'cause its a lot like mine). My friend, let's call her Lo-Lo... has been back and forth on this idea for a while. She says she's oscillating because she isn't sure if she's up to entering the world of tough academics and doctor stress... I say she's being chicken. She actually handles academics beautifully, is a resourceful student and I think she'd be a great doctor.

About her. She didn't major in the sciences, but did complete her pre-med requirements. She originally wanted to go to pharmacy school and scored really well on the PCAT (this would be the part of our stories that are clearly not alike). For whatever reason she didn't get accepted at the school she wanted to go to and sort of let the idea go. Then she got her MPH and has been working as an epidemiologist for 3 years. She briefly thought about med school again a few years back and took the MCAT but didn't do so hot. But she's trying again and plans to apply to med school this summer. If she matriculates next year she'll be 29 when she starts.

She's taking the MCAT on May 1st (2 weeks!) and she needs a little encouragement... so write her a message. And tell her to do the damn full-length exams! She's slacking on those!

Well...

I've added the profiles I've been sent to the tab above... but the formatting is totally f*&%$# up. But they are there none-the-less. And yes I know the colors suck. Nothin' doin. Sorry. Thanks for everyone who sent me one. Keep 'em comin!

Whew

Glad that's over. My first neurology exam made my brain hurt. Literally. In the end I was getting super tired and confused. I wonder what type of neural lesion that is?

Your Profiles

I'm thinking of starting a page with profiles of non-trad pre-meds... depending on what type of response I get. If you are one, and you'd like me to post your story, write me a paragraph or two about your journey (and add a name, real or fake, you want me to post it under)... and I'll include you in the post.

Just send it to my email (sidebar).

Ok, fine. I've just been informed that people don't like writing about themselves... (who knew?)... so here's a format you can use interview style... just answer the questions.

1) Name (fake or real)

2) Age (real age please)

3) What's your sign? (curious and contemplating, pre-med, med-student, resident, fellow, god)

4) Briefly describe your career and or academic history. Including your pre-doctor life (if applicable) and bouts of time in between school. What makes you non-trad?

5) What propelled you to switch into the medical field?

6) Family status... married? children? how old are they?

7) What's your experience with the MCAT? If you are a successful applicant will you share your academic stats and application highlights?

8) Biggest hurdle getting to med school

9) Are you going MD or DO? Why?

10) Best advice to other pre-meds (non-trad or not)?

11) Anything else you'd like to say... or something cool about your story you'd like to share?

Spontaneous Combustion

So our Neurology class, in previous years, has been taught over 15 weeks and is a 2nd year class. This year, just for kicks, the curriculum committee got together and decided to change it up. They decided to move it to the end of 1st year, and shorten it. Now one would think that shortening it would mean to 12 weeks. Or maybe 10. Oh, no... they decided to really go for it. Neurology (a full course) is now taught in 5 1/2 weeks. Yes folks, it's true.

The professors keep watching us and eyeing each other with every new topic as if to say "Well, lets see if THIS puts them over the edge? No? Try cranial nerve nuclei. Any luck?"

I'm just telling y'all this in case I abruptly stop writing on this blog you'll know that I spontaneously combusted from Neurology overload.

Pros and Cons of EM

Old MD Girl posted an awesome rundown of the pros and cons of Emergency Medicine... if you are so inclined, take a peek.

Is it Just Me Or....

Ok check this out. I know this girl who is a 4th year med student (not at my school). She's a nice girl but definitely on the weird side. Weird as in she looks a little disheveled most of the time, and has kind of an odd personality. But nice enough. So she wanted to match into anesthesiology... but despite a handful of interviews she didn't match anywhere, and now she's desperately trying to secure a family medicine or peds spot somewhere.

Now here's the kicker. She has Tourette Syndrome. Not super severe, but significantly more than mild. With motor and phonic tics. Now maybe I'm crazy, but isn't it completely possible that she didn't get a spot because of that? I mean, an LP and a motor tick are not friends, folks. So the question is, shouldn't her academic dean or advisor (somewhere along the way) have mentioned this to her... instead of letting her totally sink on match day?

Or am I being a complete insensitive bigot? I don't mean to be. But seriously... a blind guy can't be a fighter pilot. What's the difference?

Fingers

Just found out that the annoying prof's nickname in the department is now "fingers". Ha. ALSO... that same prof found out I was a first year (I guess because they saw me in class)... and told a group of residents that they never would have been "so rude to me if they knew I was a med student". My question is, why be that rude to anyone approximately 30 seconds after meeting them. I mean, we were talking about cooking... it's not like I offended them.

Fingers. I love it.

My deficit

Is down to $5,025. Yay!

Something Terrible Has Happened

I think surgery is cool. NOOOoooooo!!

It's MCAT TIME AGAIN

And I can certainly tell by the google searches conducted to get to my blog. Here's a list I've collected over the last couple of weeks... pretty funny!

-MCAT is my bitch

-MCAT gunner

-MCAT + depression

-MCAT scoring

-inspiring quotes about the MCAT

-the MCAT makes me want to kill myself (yikes!)

-Lots wrong on the MCAT and still score a 13?

-life after the MCAT

and my favorite...

-What color is the pancreas?

Hahahahahaha

Cool Stuff

1) Signing up on Monday for the lottery to get a spot in the Nike Women's Marathon in October. Um, awesome! Complete with a Ghirardelli chocolate mile, hot San Francisco firefighters in tuxedos and a Tiffany necklace as a finisher's prize. My med student best guy-friend and I are trying to get in together. Hopefully we get a spot!!! Wish me luck!!

2) My geologist friend and I are going to a Buddhist retreat for 10 days this summer. 10 whole days of silence. Holy smokes. Better practice not eating after 12 noon.

A GSW and Steven Seagal

Last night I completed my required EMS ride. It started at 6pm and ended a bit after midnight. Had a few interesting calls. A guy with a brain bleed, a motor vehicle accident, and a kid that fell off a trampoline. Then we got a call for a GSW... and upon arrival who was there but Steven Seagal and his camera crew filming Lawman. I was definitely on camera... but I didn't sign the waiver, so I probably will have my face blurred out. Boo.

Damn it!

Neurology has lab. Will I never escape touching dead human body parts bathed in formaldehyde?

Reflection on Flaws

For my FIM class we had to write an essay on one of our flaws. Here's mine... for all the googlers. This is how I got in trouble last time. Lets see how it works this time...

Oh to choose just one flaw, when there are so many to pick from. Should I select the flaw that I believe is most hazardous to my physician health, I would say my largest and most important flaw is that I am different. Now, upon first glance one may paradoxically think that being different is an asset… and indeed in many cases it is. But not in this case. Not in the land of doctors.

For me, being different means that I rarely seem to be on the same page as my peers. My ideas are usually out in left field compared to everyone else (who oddly always seem to agree with each other). I am bored by routine. I think outside the box. Not just on the other side of the line… but really really far away from the box. I have millions of ideas. Every day. Every moment. I’m a big picture person and often fail to understand the importance of details. I often choose ethics and humanity over what makes “business sense”, and I hug my patients and chit-chat about their grandchildren when it is not a convenient time. I have no patience for pettiness and jealousy and turf wars. I’m never aware of class gossip because I don’t gossip, and I usually prefer to be alone. Although I am constantly told that I am understanding, non-judgmental, and easy to confide in, I myself feel misunderstood. While everyone else panics about exams, I only aspire to pass. Usually because my head is filled with other ideas. My classmates have planned out their residencies, and I believe that destiny leads you to where you are going. I don’t take notes in class. Frankly I can barely pay attention in class. My mind is busy thinking of new ways to recruit donors for a self-sustaining hospital that I want to build in rural Colombia. Or something the professor has given me a new idea for a way to get my pancreatic cancer cell line to develop drug resistance. Or maybe I could develop a research project on the predictive factor of a patient’s ability to correctly define their own disease state. Or…. See? It’s endless. I could go on forever.

One of the consequences of being a misfit is that I am usually thought to be overstepping my role in whatever I’m doing, often my benevolent intentions interpreted as just the opposite by my colleagues. My friends would describe me as willful and passionate and a creative problem solver, but I doubt my classmates would say the same. Just last week I noticed that one of my classmates was displeased because I asked a patient additional questions not on our “list”, which were technically the responsibility of other student team. To me, I was being empathic and human and searching for pieces of a very large puzzle thus far not found. In the end, I was able to locate a huge missing piece of that patient’s diagnosis. Unfortunately, I’m certain my classmate felt that his territory was infringed upon and that I was being overly aggressive.

I have seen other physicians with similar personalities experience severe difficulty fitting in, and difficulty maintaining their position in the physician world. I believe the key to solving this problem is to be as quiet as possible, and as unobtrusive as possible while training to be a physician. Hopefully someday when I’m older, wiser, and more secure in my medical career I can be more forthcoming with my quirkiness.

I can honestly say I have tried and tried to stifle the parts of my personality that cause me ask millions of questions, to say what no one else is thinking, to challenge authority, and to question the legitimacy of nearly everything I am presented with. I understand how detrimental these qualities can be to a physician-in-training. I’m working on it. It’s just so darn difficult! The excitement I feel when I have a new idea or find a solution to a problem is overwhelming!

Now that I’m older, I’ve come to embrace the fact that I am different. Although it has been a hard road. I’ve never been friends with the masses, but instead have a small but precious collection of friends who are also quite quirky and out-of-the-box thinkers. Many of them older, many of them physicians. They’ve told me that I’ll do well in my chosen career, and that I’m an “old soul” We shall see. Hopefully they are correct.

Over the last 12 hours...

I've become an entrepreneur. Just got my first babysitting gig. Well, first "new" gig. 4 hours for $100. Yay!

Thank You. That's All.

I have never experienced the kindness of strangers as I have today. I don't want to elaborate, other than to say thank you. Thank you RGFEWYL.

In Deep %$#&

Holy crap. I'm in deep, well, crap. Financially, that is. Lets just say that every other academic year of my life I have been able to take summer school classes in order to qualify for financial aid to well, SURVIVE, until the next semester starts. I just assumed that I could do that now. Um, just tried to do so and was DENIED. The financial aid guy said unequivocally med students are not allowed to take summer school unless they are MD/MPH (a degree I already have, and therefore cannot get again).

So lets do a little math. I have money for April and about 1/2 of May (I'm short bc my car broke down on me TWICE this month totaling about $1000 to fix. YIKES!). I need approximately $1500 per month for rent ($895), utilities (+/-$200), a couple of old student loan payments ($200) and my cell phone ($70). Plus another $250 per month for food, gas, parking at school, and anything expendable I might need. So say $1750 per month for June, July, August, and 1/2 of May. That's um....$6,125

Where the EFF am I going to get that from?????

In between telling me the "good" news, the financial aid counselor suggested that I do what most students do.... get money from their parents. After telling him that that was no way plausible and hey, I'm 31 years old now... he hinted that I should ask anyway... he's sure that my parents "care" about me and would be willing to help out. After all, I AM a med student. Guess he's never heard of parents that can't just dole out $10k on a whim.

Now, silly me... I thought he was going to suggest I get a J-O-B... an old fashioned method of supporting oneself. The same method I've used for years... which until now has always solved my financial woes. Maybe I could write a book on these elusive so-called "jobs" and their usefulness, sell a million books and be rich! That would solve everything.

OTHER SOLUTIONS I'VE THOUGHT OF

1) Summer School - denied (see above)

2) Job - tricky

-Problem here is that school ENDS May 30 and STARTS July 15 (only 6 weeks off)... yet financial aid doesn't come in until the beginning of September. So if I work FULL time every day that I have off, I will likely only make about half the money I need.

-Not to mention, I have to take 4 (count 'em) physiology exams during those 6 weeks.

-PLUS who's going to hire me full-time for 6 weeks?

3) Wealthy Relatives - HAHAHAHAHA... wait... laughing... so much.. I ...hahhahhaah... can't ...type

4)Begging for change - I've heard the average pan-handler makes like $70 per day in metropolitan areas. That's TAX FREE baby. But it's also HARD GODDAMN WORK. Plus, the only place to pan-handle in the city is by the urban hospital complex... and my fellow classmates would see me. Maybe since this health-care bill passed I could wear my white coat while begging and I would be more believable. My sign could say "$300k in debt, unemployed, and working towards an MD. Why lie? I need groceries"

5) Robbing a bank - plausible, requires more thought and planning. Best solution thus far.

Me=so screwed it's laughable.

SIDENOTE: Out of REAL and SERIOUS concern, I went grocery shopping last night and bought a crap load of groceries and brought them home and FROZE them. Bread, milk, fruit, pot pies (hey, they're like 69 cents), etc. It's like planning for hurricane season. With electricity. Hopefully....

Lucked Out

While the rest of my class is cramming like crazy for our physio shelf exam tomorrow, I am instead taking jacuzzi tubs and drinking wine. That's right, folks... I managed to get out of the exam and get 4 days off of uninterrupted relaxation. Why, you may ask? Well, since I screwed up and missed Block II and III of physio, I couldn't very well take the shelf exam. So this summer after my make-up exams I'll take a make-up shelf. So I'm not totally out of the woods. Especially since everyone else will be enjoying this thing called SUMMER and I will be studying physio. Oh well, living the moment right now!

Shelf Exam Rules from the Physio Prof...

"NBME rules state that only two students can be out of the room for bathroom breaks at a time and that students must be escorted to and from the restroom by a proctor (don't be nervous, they wait outside). Additionally, bathroom breaks take precious time away from an already fast-paced exam. I recommend that both caffeine consumption and consumption of beverages be kept to a minimum, if possible, the morning of the exam."

Definitely

Just rocked the histo exam. Yay!

UPDATE: Ouch. Let me clarify. Rocked the practical. Written, not so much. But its over none-the-less!!!!

After Tomorrow

I'm done with Histology! Just got to make it through one month of Neurology and a couple weeks of Inflammation and I am DONE with 1st year! Well, minus those make-up exams I have to take during the summer.

Irritating

There is something about smelling marijuana in class that really irks the shit out of me. I'm not sure why, really... cause I really don't give a crap if people smoke pot or not. It's not particularly my cup of tea... but I'm not against it either. But for whatever reason, when I smell it on people in class I get really pissed off. Maybe I feel it is disrespectful to our learning environment, or maybe I'm jealous that other students are so ahead of the game that they can come to class totally gorked, or maybe I just can't stand the smell.

I mean, is it really not possible to take a shower or at least roll the windows down in the car instead of coming to school smelling like bud? I guess that may, indeed, be too much to ask. I mean some of these guys wore eau de dead body for all of first semester. Whats a little MJ compared to that?

Um, guys...

I love that you all read my blog... for which I am eternally grateful and in return I will try my best to entertain and motivate you towards med school.

But I have just one request.

Please don't send me your homework problems. As a first year, I have tons of my own homework... and my medicine/science knowledge level is somewhere between a grasshopper and a dandelion. I'll probably just mess you up. My best advice, go find someone smarter to ask :)

Larger than life

When I jumped off the elevator on the third floor today, there was, staring me right in the face... a research poster (the Urology Dept. was obviously proud of this one) with a very large photo of something similar to what is shown below. Only the one on the wall at school had a (very) real penis in it. The poster was on Peyronie's Disease, which is a disorder of the fibrous tissue in the penis. Ok, fair enough. But really? A big penis picture as a welcome to the 3rd floor? I'm not normally a person who laughs when I hear the word "vagina" or snickers when the professor says "clitoris".... but this made me laugh. Good for a giggle and a double take.

This is your brain on physio...

Physio test in an hour... and my brain is totally fried. Literally, I CAN NOT study for even one more second. Yet I feel as though I know nothing. We'll see how this plays out.

Oh. My. God. I knew it!

I just took this assessment tonight. Awesome!! All except for the Ortho part. No way in hell is there a 5% chance I'm doing that. So sad about radiology, family medicine and derm. Oh well, I'm over it.

Out of Curiosity...

I'd like to know how many people have read my entire blog, versus people who are just occasional readers. If you've read the whole thing... will you please

EITHER (just one)

Comment and let me know

OR

Check the "this makes me want to be a doctor" box.

Thanks, Ella

Putting the "H" in

Ok. Confession time.

I've known for a long time that I'm ADD. That's no secret. Well, maybe it is... as it seems obvious to me (as I'm the one inside my own crazy head)... but people who I tell say "really, I wouldn't have guessed that". I've taken meds a couple of times in the past... which actually work well for me... but they tend to make me sick, they're expensive, and since I'm ADD I often forget to take them. So I don't bother.

Recently, however, when describing some muscle pains to my physician, she asked me what I thought the problem was. I told her my convoluted theory that I was dopamine depleted... yada yada... muscle pains... yada yada and by the way, I think I'm ADD. So she suggested I get tested... since there just happens to be an ADD expert around. So I agreed.

The test (which, may I say, was on the top 10 most annoying experiences of my life) came back with a recommended diagnosis of ADHD. Hyperactive type. Say what?

When I asked her why on earth I was hyperactive type, this conversation ensued.

DOC: "well, since childhood you've described having trouble sitting still and paying attention... and even now you have trouble going to class and staying all day. You skip out on conferences, skip office meetings, and when you do attend you get up and walk around, sort M and M's by color, and draw elaborate designs on your notepad to keep your attention"

ME: "So??? Doesn't everyone do that? I mean, most conferences and office meetings are, in fact, useless and boring. And they could just tell me the info in 15 minutes instead of 3 days. It's stupidity. And by the way, that computer ADHD test was totally bogus. Clicking stupid X's for an hour? Who can do that? No one! That was so annoying"

DOC: "No Ella, everyone is NOT like that. I promise you. And by the way, that test was only 14 minutes. And most people can do it easily."

ME: "Well, everyone I know would find that highly annoying. And I've had millions of discussions with friends and family about how boring and difficult it is to sit through class and meetings."

DOC: "It is well known that people with ADD and ADHD associate with other people who have ADD or ADHD. So maybe in YOUR world everyone does that, but I assure you, most people can pay attention and sit through class and are not bored."

ME: (silently) "touche"

In the end we agreed that I have ADHD... but not to "do" anything about it. Me and meds don't get along too well, so she was like "well, you've come this far... you may as well keep doing what you're doing"

True dat. Although, this may have been useful information when I was struggling to get through the MCAT. Four times.

A Question for the Masses

Is it possible to love a future not-yet met nor owned dog as much as you love your first and beloved dog? Or will I never love again? Can you tell I miss my dog more than life?

I'm considering offering my landlord my firstborn child in exchange for allowing my dog to live here....

Oh, and to explain the socks.... I bought him baby socks for my new place so he wouldn't scratch the floors...

Stepping Up My Game

Today was Match Day Part II. On Monday all the 4th years found out IF they matched. Today they found out WHERE. I went to the ceremony... and I've decided I better step up my game. From the 4th year class there were at least 7 going to Harvard, 2 to Brown, 5 to Yale, 3 to UCSF, other schools I saw were Duke, Dartmouth, Mayo, UCLA, UCSD, Mt. Sinai, etc. Lots of orthopedics, surgery, emergency, anesthesiology, plastic surgery, radiology, PMnR... holy smokes. I better get on it. And quick!

My New Superhero...

So I've found a new person to idolize. You all know I'm obsessed with Dr. Kenton Hadley... (that's still in effect of course)... but she's internal medicine. Yes... I know... I like her despite the fact that she's IM. Admittedly, this new cool doctor chick isn't as totally accomplished as Dr. KH, but she's younger.... a resident, and she's EM. I've worked with her twice now in the emergency department.... and she is just pretty bad-ass all around. I've seen her run 2 full traumas at the head of the bed, plus I think she is incredibly smart.

I don't know anything about her personally.... (clearly I haven't been stalking her well enough)... but in my mind she's a superhero. I imagine that she and her husband and their dog save the world on weekends, maybe she collects Chihuly glass, is a trained wine connoisseur, goes to art openings on weekdays, and she has a closet full of Christian Louboutins that she wears after her ED shifts. I'm sure she only cooks occasionally, but fabulously, for friends... probably because she is too busy traveling the world in her time off... as she is also simultaneously the medical director for the WHO's Latvian health project. She has a plethora of job offers after graduation with ungodly attached salaries, of which she has declined all of them in favor of spending the next year with Doctors Without Borders.

Ok, back to reality... she's an awesome EM doc and she has pretty hair. That's the extent of what I know about her. Which is WAYY more than I can say for most of the women around here that I am supposed to consider mentors. Yech.

Cadaver what?

Cadaver memorial. That's what I attended yesterday. A little memorial for the families of those who donated their bodies to anatomy lab... and an annual event at my school. However, this year it was sans families... because none of them showed up. But alas, it was nice to say a prayer and have a little commemorative ceremony.... even though (gasp) I hate funerals and memorials and refuse to go under normal circumstances. I don't even go to my family memorials. I only went to this one on accident because I was under the impression that it was mandatory. Damn.

Anyway, the point of why I am telling you this is because some of my classmates wrote reflections about their anatomy experience that they read during the service. And every one (save for one, maybe), was a story (albeit lovely) about how they were uncomfortable in the beginning yet came to peace with chopping up an already dead person over the course of 14 weeks. Really???? How about it sucked more and more every day, directly proportional to the increasing stench of the body and decreasing ability of my sanity and rational thinking to overcome stress and panic? I can't believe it. How come no one stood up there and said (in an ever so tactful way) how horrible it was?

Do I have to do EVERYTHING????? Just a joke, classmates. I think you did a lovely job. And be glad I'm not in charge of med school, or we'd start making the Whoopies and the Jane Fondas look conservative and proper.

A good day...

Match day turned out to be a pretty good day for everyone I know who was trying to match. Especially for a friend of a friend of mine. Her name is Lucia, and she is a foreign medical graduate (FMG) from South America who graduated medical school in 2000.

Now, in case you aren't aware, it is damn near impossible for FMG's to become physicians in the US for a plethora of reasons. First and foremost is probably because of stigma and bias. Second, they must successfully pass their USMLE's in ENGLISH... which is a tough task for native speaking physicians, and third, they have to beat out the 1,000's of FMG's that apply every year.

So Lucia wanted to go into psychiatry, but after she moved to the US she couldn't get a residency spot. She failed Step 1 the first time, but subsequently passed all three steps. She applied to hundreds of programs.... every po-dunk program she could... but never got even 1 interview. She worked in clinical research, did research at the NIH, and kept up her studies. She reapplied year after year.... and still never got even 1 interview.

Finally, this year, after being out of medical school for 10 years, she matched. All because a friend helped her get an interview and a week of shadowing. And the school she's at ain't too shabby, folks.

Congrats Lucia! She definitely gets the prize for tenacity. Oh yeah, and her 2nd baby is due the week before residency starts in July.

T-E-N-A-C-I-T-Y.

PREGNANT!

That really doesn't have that much to do with this post... but it's one of those words I like to throw around in a crowd. It's a hot word. When you say it, everyone can't help but stop what they're doing and look over to see who the hot word refers to. "Herpes" is also a hot word. Say that at a party and see how much attention you get.

Anyway, the point of the post is actually a memory I had today. A great pre-med moment. So I had to share.

When I was at Harvard doing my PBPM program I also worked at Beth Israel Deaconess Emergency Department doing clinical research. I was 23. And there was a hot (I mean HOT) emergency medicine doctor there that I could barely stand to be around out of complete fear that I would do or say something stupid. He was actually beautiful... and I don't say that about many men. And tall. Anyway.... I was reading an article today and his name was on it.... and it made me remember one specific day in the ED.

The cool thing about Beth Israel is that they love to teach... so if you say you're a "pre-med" you automatically get to see/do/watch tons of stuff. So on this particular day Mr. Stupidly Gorgeous was about to do a spinal tap... and so sure enough he hunts me down and asks if I'd like to help. If it were anyone else, I totally would have wanted to... but I really wanted to be as far away from him as possible. But in the name of not being a jackass, I of course said yes.

So we go into this woman's curtain cubicle and prep for the tap. She's naked doing the side snail curl on the bed, Mr. Stupidly Gorgeous is trying to get the tap, and I'm supposed to be holding some tubing up so it doesn't get contaminated. But 20 minutes later he still hasn't gotten the tap. At 30 minutes I am getting dizzy from standing so long, being excited about the tap, and being nervous about being next to Mr. Stupidly Gorgeous. Around this time I remember that I also haven't eaten for over 8 hours... and several minutes later I start feeling pins and needles on the top of my head. Then I start seeing black spots. I try to shake them off by breathing deeply and moving my head. But then my sight is almost gone and I know I'm going to pass out. I don't want to pass out on the patient while Mr. Stupidly Gorgeous is trying to tap her... but I'm too embarrassed to actually tell him that I'm going to pass out. So I lay the tube on the bed, put my back to the wall, and slid down to my butt as I passed out silently.

The next thing I hear is a faint conversation between a couple of doctors about the probability that I am pregnant.... one of those "matter of fact" ED conversations. I remember being HIGHLY insulted that everyone would automatically assume that I was pregnant (especially being a 23 year old pre-med). Anyway, I wasn't pregnant... just dehydrated and hypoglycemic... and totally nervous about being around the greek god. Eventually I had to face him and apologize for ditching him in the middle of a procedure... but he was pretty cool about it. Which just made him all the more stupidly gorgeous to me.

Today...

Is Match Day!

The highly anticipated yet much dreaded day. Every 4th year med student's fate is determined today when they find out a simple "Yes" or "No" as to WHETHER or not they matched into a residency program. If "yes", they wait until Thursday to find out where they are going (they ranked their "favorites" weeks ago) at a huge ceremony hosted by the medical school. If "no"... they slunk away into a cave and begin contemplating suicide. No, really....(really). Actually if they didn't match, they participate in "Scramble" which starts tomorrow at noon. Every program that didn't fill up is listed... and they start calling and faxing like ninnies to try to get a spot. Any spot. Anywhere. Hopefully in their desired field... but possibly not. And definitely not in the location they expected. Unfortunately.

Match is basically one giant fraternity/sorority... where you and the program rush (interviewing)... and then there's preference day (second look)... and then match day (bid day). Exhilarating. Probably joyous. Potentially fatal... well, at least temporarily until the said 4th year regains his or her bearings, begins to breathe and realizes the world is, indeed, not over.

I just found out that at my school the Dean's office closes down completely and the Deans clear their schedules during Scramble so that the students who are scrambling can come in and use the phones, private offices, faxes, computers, etc... AND have the Deans call other programs on their behalf. Nice.

Anyway, congrats to all my friends who matched today. And if you didn't... don't stay in your cave too long, ok? We all still love you.

Tomorrow...

I'm going camping with my class... and bringing my dog. Yay! Did I mention I'm a ridiculously good dutch oven camp cooker? Yay again!

Cultural Incompetency

Where to start? For my FIM class... you know the stupid class I hate... we have a section called "cultural competency". Which is the new bane of my existence. Not because I don't think the topic is important... because I do. But rather because in all my years in academia I have never once seen anyone worth respecting teach it in a respectable nor interesting way.

For instance, today we were required to watch a stream of staged videos which were supposed to demonstrate how culturally insensitive situations can occur. I shit you not, the patients were all black and the docs all white. Every scenario was ridiculously staged... and then we were required to answer a series of questions which were insane.

Here's an example of what happened today:

Video: White doc, black patient. Patient has uncontrolled hypertension, previous MI, etc. Doc is speaking a little overly scientific and parental and patient is being a little too apathetic about his unhealthy lifestyle and a little too defiant about physician knowledge. Not to mention, the video contained every stereotype you could ever come up with... about the doc as well as the patient. Patient uses wrong verb tenses, says he's unemployed, and brags about using the ED for his primary care doc. Doc rolls his eyes every time the patient uses sub-literary journal level language, suggests buying organic foods and joining an expensive gym to work out.

Question: What is the main issue in this video?

Answers:

A) The patient should be more concerned about his severely unhealthy habits and should take more responsibility for his own health

B) The patient and the physician are talking past each other instead of communicating well

C) The patient should be re-assigned to a black physician

D) The physician is not being sensitive and is not picking up on cultural cues that would help him to appropriately solve the patients problems.

After a group discussion we settled on the best answer B (heaven forbid the answer is A). However, one of my group members says "Hey guys... I know B is the right answer... but I know how these assignments work. I bet my life that the answer is D. If we want the points for getting the right answer, we should pick D"

He managed to convince us... so we chose D for the points. And freakin-A... he was right.

Now, tell me that this situation doesn't in effect PERPETUATE racism. Instead of both parties taking responsibility for the miscommunication... which would imply equality...it's the "superior", white doc's responsibility to figure out how to solve the black patient's problems.... thus implying that the patient doesn't have the ability to assess and solve his own issues. Right there, in class, we just affirmed the notion that white doctors, in fact, are superior and should take the higher moral road. The whole thing is pure insanity.

I mean... if we're going to address racism... lets do it. But nix those lame-ass videos for god's sake.

To the Folks at UMass Med School Dept of Medicine....

I really hope I didn't tick off your whole department... as my IM post made the blog roll on the front page of the Department of Medicine website. I mean... I'm sure you are all really lovely people... nothing personal, Ok?

A Crazy Idea?

As I have mentioned before, I love photography. And while I am no expert in cameras and equipment... I think I have an artistic eye. Well, at least I have been told that. It's one of the few hobbies I have that I think I'm sorta good at. Anyway.... on a whim last year I submitted some of my photos to a few art markets... and I was accepted to a few to sell my work. Which I have never done. Mostly out of fear... and the probably wrong idea that "photography doesn't sell". Plus, I'd need to buy a large format photo printer and some supplies. Which is an investment. Which I really can't afford anyway.

But wouldn't it be so so so nice to be able to make some extra money for med school in a fun way instead of waiting tables or babysitting. Remember that post way back when when I naively said something to the effect of "Holy crap I'm in med school... hopefully I'll never have another bs job again!!" I think I spoke (wrote) too soon!

Anyway... I've survived this long on my own... with wayyyy worse jobs than serving or babysitting. Something will happen. I'll keep you posted.

Not adding up

After doing a little math, I realized that I'm not just broke. Im broke broke. Really broke. If I don't spend even 1 extra dollar for the next 4 months I'll barely make it. I need a job. Something part-time and flexible.

Any ideas?

Don't say serving. Been there.

"Lunching"

I've never really "lunched" before until today. Of course, I've eaten lunch, been to lunch, gone out for lunch, and attended luncheons. All of which are very different from lunching. Lunching occurs only at specific restaurants, with specific people (usually old ones), and involves thousands of dollars and at least 3 hours (in this case 4). It also involves sampling everything on the menu, and many, many, many, bottles of wine.

So why (you may ask) was I privy to such an occasion? Because I'm a med student. In a rock-star school in a rock-star city, and a first year rep for a rock-star history of medicine society. A couple of our professors, who must be somewhere around 200 years old, took 14 of us out to lunch at a well respected, ridic-expensive (they lost 2.8 million dollars in wine alone in Hurricane K), older than dirt restaurant in the FQ. It was fabulous.

And I'm not going to lie, it felt lovely to walk through the front doors and say "I'm with the school of medicine party".... ever-so-nonchalantly of course...

REAL PROFILES

I've started something new. On the side bar I've started listing everyone I personally know who has journeyed to med school, law school, dental school or nursing school.... and a few details about them. Some are traditional students, some non-trads, and some are REALLY non-trads. The point is to see that there are WAYYY more who've had difficulty getting in than those who breezed in with perfect grades and scores directly out of undergrad. And some with perfect scores and grades who never got in at all. As I remember more, I'll add to the list...

PS: NONE of these are students in my med school class. They are all from my previous life.

Thoughts on Internal Medicine

In theory, internal medicine sounds like something I should be interested in. It truly is where the "real medicine" happens. It's where the really sick people are. Where you see pathology, and where you get to fix it. That's the one thing that scares me about EM. I don't really like following patients over time (like years), but I really do like acute medicine. Figuring out what the problem is and actually fixing it. Not just handing it off to whomever is my best guess... as is what EM docs usually do.

Anyway, last night I went to the Internal Medicine annual wine and cheese awards ceremony banquet. Which was nice. Hey, I'm all for any party that involves getting dressed up and free wine and delice de bourgogne. Here's the problem. Thus far, (in life, not just since med school started) I have never met ANYONE in IM that I really liked. IM is like a secret club that you aren't invited to, yet you don't really even want an invitation.

I mean, last night the chair of IM got up to say why he chose IM, and all he could talk about was how he liked carrying people to their death. I mean, seriously? That's it? That is supposed to inspire a group of students to follow in his footsteps? And frankly, the IM folks seem a little, well, anal. OCD. Over the top. I guess that's a good thing if you're a patient... but to work in that environment? I mean, EM seems significantly more quirky, ADD, and fun. Medicine seems like stress, pressure and politics (not that politics don't exist everywhere I KNOW).

Any thoughts on this? I'd love to be convinced otherwise....

Oops

Me and my big mouth. So for my stupid foundations class we have to go for an ambulance ride. Which in theory (like everything in the class) SHOULD be cool. But no, they really have to fuck up most everything. Like today, for example. A group of 30 or so of us were in EMS orientation, and they informed us that we have to wear dress clothes and a white coat on our ambulance ride. FOR REAL? Have they ever even BEEN on a freakin' ambulance? Anyway, I groaned way too loudly and accidentally (well, sort of accidentally) said "great, we're going to look like total douche-bags" out loud. Which of course we will be. No doubt.

The class seemed to be in agreement and partially amused. The instructor, not so much.

2 for 2

Well actually, 3 for 2. Last night was my 2nd ED shift, and we had not 1 but 2 GSW victims. One victim was shot multiple times... and in the face. As horrible as that sounds, it was awesome.

So out of 2 shifts, 3 GSW. I'm twitter-pated & IN LOVE with this ED.

This Will Hurt Me More than It Hurts You.... Well... maybe not

Today at my preceptor (the bariatric surgeon) I watched from the corner of the room where he totally botched a drain. Poor lady. She was trying to get her lap-band drained... but the doc couldn't find the spot. For like 15 minutes. He poked her over and over and over and over and over again. And the needle wasn't small folks. And it was inside her abdomen at least 4 inches while he wriggled around (rather aggressively) trying to find the spot.

I thought I would pass out. Hot, nervous, increased pulse. That's me being a sympathetic physician again. Ella, this is happening to the PATIENT. Not to you. Get over it.

Stool Fat Analysis, Right?

Today my mentor/friend Dr. J gave a physiology lecture on the pancreas. We've worked together for years... and although we currently aren't working together officially, we're both part of the med school and we have lunch or dinner once in a while.

So Dr. J is one of those guys who needs a lot of feedback during lectures. Like nods and "uh hums"... just so he feels everyone is on the same page. Problem is, since I'm the only one in class he knows well, he keeps looking to me. So like a giant gunner asshole, I'm nodding and "uh hum-ing" every few minutes. No sweat, worth the sacrifice. I'm a good friend.

Then he starts talking about pancreatic function tests. Specifically stool fat analysis. So when he says "stool fat analysis" he points to me (in front of 180 of my classmates) and says "Right?".

Now, because I know how his little brain works, I know that he was referencing a huge study where we assessed pancreatic function. This study was a massive pain in the ass and the bane of my existence for over a year. I almost killed him because he wanted me to collect stool fat. In the end we compromised and I agreed to do the study, but I got to hire someone else to do the stool collecting/processing.

But he doesn't actually say something to the effect of "Ella worked on a pancreatic study in our dept. that involved these tests". No. Nothing. Just points to me after he says stool fat. Sweet. Now my classmates think I have a personal problem.

Ok, I'm Done

I just realized that I have officially been bitching about life for a month now. Time to stop. Grief, anger, bargaining, denial, yada yada. Ok, I'm going to try to be happy from now on. We'll see how that works out.

Things that are good today.

1. Biochem is over? Hopefully?

2. Fresh lemon curd from the farmers market. Ridic-u-delish-ous!

3. Peace

4. Quiet

5. 2 compliments on my hair.... and I didn't even change anything :)

6. Going to the ER this week. Yay!

7. History of Medicine Society is having our fancy schmancy banquet this weekend.

8. My basil and arugula has sprouted

9. I went running yesterday

10. I'm actually going on a class camping trip in 2 weeks. Probably. (I'm bad with committment)

Please oh Please

Let me have passed my biochem exam this morning. I studied hard, but there were definitely questions that were, well, questionable. Pray for me. Because if I passed, I will be done with Biochem. Forever. Yay!!!

UPDATE #1 - Exam passed (with a decent score, actually)... now to see if I passed the class!

UPDATE #2 - Course PASSED! Biochem O-V-E-R

Starting to Believe

In curses, voodoo, black magic. Somebody must be really pissed at me out there.

Something Unreal

Picture this. It's say.... Tuesday night 8:00 pm. Make-up test tomorrow (after missing tons of school) that you're mostly prepared for. Boyfriend comes over to watch movies and spend the night. So you watch a few back episodes of Lost, then go to bed at midnight.

But for some unknown reason you can't sleep... so at 2:00am you both end up waking up, getting a glass of water etc. Only for a second unknown reason an argument ensues... and ultimately, after a several hour discussion, you both decide to end your 3-year relationship. Sadly. (this is a real break-up by the way. first time. not one of those "pissed off tonight see you tomorrow" break-ups). So he packs his stuff and leaves. Look at the clock. It's 6:30 am. Ok, no sweat. Test at 1:00 pm. You decide to sleep for a few hours, exhausted from tears and emotions.

10:00 am. Phone call from your mother. Your grandmother just died. And then she hits you with a 2nd piece of information too devastating and personal to write on a blog. Holy shit.

Processing. Can you really pull off a make-up exam? Certainly you can't postpone because it's already a MAKE-UP exam. And you just missed several weeks of school. And you are trying to prove to your professors that you aren't the biggest flake on the planet. So you decide to tough it out, blurry mind, stunned from 3 pieces of bad news, and running on 3 hours of sleep.

The tears welled up several times. But I zenned my way out of it. Focus. Words are blurry. Ears are hot. Can't breathe. Fill in the bubbles. What subject is this anyway?

Somehow I pulled off 85%. That was my Thursday.

Jumping Back In

Well, I've been back to school for 2 days now... and I've already interviewed a med school applicant (who sounded so much like me I was scared she'd read my blog... incidentally I LOVED her!) AND transitioned to my new job in our student-run free clinic. Sweet. And I went to school of course. So I'm getting back in the swing of things which is nice. The rest of the class has a physio exam tomorrow but (yay!) I don't. Cause I get to take it in the summer (not so yay).

Comments

I didn't realize that my comment section was for registered users only. I changed it so everyone should be able to comment. Sorry about that!

Real Life

Starts again tomorrow. I'm headed back to school... and to catch up with all the junk I missed. Not going to lie. Feeling a little nervous.

Doing Laundry

I was having sort of a "whatever" kind of day. Feeling a little haggard after my move, a little discombobulated living in a new place, a little sad to have left my house, and a bit down about missing so much school and getting behind. And I was doing laundry. Probably on my top 10 things I hate doing. Well, maybe top 20. Anyway. Low and behold at precisely the perfect moment (while collecting whites), I pulled out my white coat. THE White Coat. As I started removing my pins and clinic charts, I had an epiphany.

HOLY SHIT. I'm going to be a F@#&$%! DOCTOR!!!!!

Things just don't seem so bad when you can say that for real.

YAY!

Best news ever...

Moments When I Almost Quit

Pre-med that is. So many emails from my readers have reminded me of these moments.. so I thought I'd write them down...

1. Freaking out before my first G-Chem exam when (Oh, WAYYY back when) I arrived and classmates were doing the classic pre-test freak out (asking questions and making me aware of the things I DIDN'T know). I got a C on my first exam. Subsequently, I failed the class because I stayed up all night studying for the final... and accidentally set my alarm wrong and slept through the exam. I was too ashamed to confess to the professor. So I took the F. I was 19 years old.

2. The pre-med counselor at my undergraduate university said it would be next to impossible for me to go to med school. I should essentially just drop the idea all together. I still remember his little pin-head. He probably wanted to go to med school, but gave up and became a pre-med counselor instead. Pin-head.

3. After finishing my first PBPM year at Harvard I had done pretty well in all my classes. But then at the very end I got a C+ in Gen Chem II. I was camping on vacation in Maine with all my friends... glad to be out for the summer. I went into town to check my grades and found out my final grade. I was literally not a happy camper for the rest of the trip. After that I decided I was going to scrap the whole med school idea, and I actually wrote an ENTIRE book about a girl who dropped out of med school. Hmmm. It was therapeutic I guess.

4. After MCAT disaster #1 I was devastated. I actually gave up on the med school idea for a while and went and got my Masters. After MCAT #2, I improved... but MCAT #3 was HUGELY emotionally disappointing.... as I actually went down 1 point. Uh. Thank god for MCAT #4.

5. The first round of rejections from med school weren't so bad because I was totally expecting it after my crappy MCAT #1. The SECOND round however, was awful. I was rejected by my current school right away. Then I had two interviews, both at state schools in my home state. In the first interview I was totally stoked. But my interviewer decided to be "brutally" honest with me because she "liked" me. And said that despite being invited for an interview that I should not expect to be accepted. I had a 28 on the MCAT... and although my application was great in many ways... she thought I needed 2 more points. And she was adamant about that. So I left, feeling horribly dejected. So dejected in fact, that I decided to skip my interview the next day at the 2nd state school... as emotionally I just didn't want to deal with that again. The interview was a couple of hours drive away... and I told my parents I was not going. They understood.

The next day my parents woke me up and asked if maybe I just wanted to get dressed for the interview... and we could drive on down to the University and see how I feel. If I wanted to go, fine. If not, we could spend the day touring around. I agreed and sloppily threw my suit on. With a too-casual shirt and a bag that didn' t match. We got there and I decided to go ahead and interview. But there was construction and I was late. And I forgot to spit out my gum. And I switched interviewers because some other kid was friends with his. And I was so so hot. It was a nightmare. But the interview started and it went rather well. I even ended up talking about my previous experience at the other school. And to my amazement the interviewer was really interested in me. And at the end he said "Well, I think you have a great shot at getting in. And I'M the chair of the admissions committee... so I can say that with authority. So consider yourself at the very least on the wait list. Possibly accepted right away" I ended up on the wait list... which missed me by about 12 people.

6. I had been working for a neuroscience professor for about 5 months. The position was extremely coveted...as all the pre-meds wanted to work for this specific professor. But she was really hard core. She expected year(s) long commitments...and most of the students had been with her forever. I was one of two undergraduate students that she allowed to work there. Unpaid and without the possibility of publication. I had a key to the labs and was assigned a project. And I worked HARD. I would come in at 2:00am and work until class started in the morning. Then I'd go to class, go home, study, sleep and start over. I did this for several months. I went to every lab meeting, prepared for journal club, cleaned the lab on my scheduled day. The whole bit. When the time came to apply to med school I asked for a letter of recommendation. And her response was "Well, if I write you a letter, I would be forced to compare you to the others in the lab. And you do the least. So I'm afraid it wouldn't look good for you". WTF???? Compare me to the others? You mean the other PhD and Masters students? Who get PAID and PUBLISHED and who aren't here at 3:00am? That sucked. A lot.

7. Um getting rejected by the Dean at my current school was crushing. The story is essentially that one dean really liked me and told me I'd be a great fit for the school. She pretty much promised me a spot. We'd been communicating pretty regularly... so I was pretty secure that I would get a spot. All of the sudden, communication stopped. And it was October and I hadn't heard anything for weeks. Since I was employed at the same school, my boss called the admissions office on my behalf and requested a review of my file. The next week I got a rejection letter. I felt so betrayed. The next summer when I approached the Dean again, she seemed shocked to see me. She explained that she had put me in for an interview the previous year... but she goes on vacation every year in October... and that's why she didn't communicate with me. When my boss called, Dean #2 must have pulled my file from the interviews, reviewed it, for whatever reason didn't like it, and rejected me. That's her story. True? Not so sure. But it made me feel better.

New Pad

I'm all moved in. The place is great. A brand new Vera Wang, white, queen size, Eurotop, marshmallow lovely all for me. Some old furniture I found in the rubble of my house that I spruced up with some paint to give the "shabby chic" look. A few new dishes and a polished silver coffee press. A beautiful oil painting I found at a thrift store. And my boyfriend is building me a closet. These old shotguns don't have them for whatever reason. So I'm happy as a clam. All except for the fact that last night at 3:00am someone torched a car outside my front door (not mine). That I'm working on getting used to.

And I studied today. Yay!

I LOVE MY SCHOOL

Basically here's the scoop.

PETRIFIED, I went in to see the Dean yesterday. I was certain he was going to stomp or yell or do something really bad. But he didn't. In fact, he didn't seem to care much at all. His attitude was very blase... something to the effect of

"Eh, no biggie..."

AS SOME KOOKY DRUM MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND, HE PULLS ON HIS BOWTIE AND SAYS "Ella, we aren't in the habit of kicking students out of med school. We much prefer to graduate them. You had trouble on one test and you're a little behind? That's not such a big deal. Go talk to your professors. If they don't help you let me know."

A LITTLE SHAKEY, I said "Ok, thanks"... and breathed a sigh of relief.

POSITIVE THAT SOME PROFESSOR WOULD MAKE ME TAKE MY EXAM TOMORROW AS PUNISHMENT... I emailed each one and proposed a timeline for make-ups. Including a couple in the summer. So I didn't have to stress and double up my work.

STUNNED... I opened my email to realize that they all agreed to my plan.

RELIEVED... I made cookies and picked up my biochem book to study in my new lovely house.

A Message From the Dean (For Realsies)

Folks,

Please enjoy your first Mardi Gras as medical students. We want you to have a good time and be safe. Remember, the two things that can get you in trouble are:

1. Disrespecting a police officer
2. Public urination

Be safe and have fun.

The Dean

RELAX

Like I said, I'm supposed to meet with the Dean on Thursday to determine my fate. But I just couldn't wait... so I emailed him early to find out if he was going to kick me to the curb. Alas, he says he's not. In fact, his email said "I've seen your grades, everything is fine, RELAX (in all caps). See you Thursday."

My school rocks.

Not that it really matters to me...

Since I'm "out" anyway... but school has been officially cancelled (again) by the Dean, for a football/superbowl/parade reason. Love this city...

Update on what the hell I'm doing with my life....

I couldn't take it anymore. My living situation, my relationship, finances, plus a million other things were really getting me down. I wasn't studying. I wasn't going to school. I managed to compartmentalize everything last semester and just focus on school.... but for whatever reason I couldn't make it work this semester. I stared at books without reading, cried in bed for days on end, and felt so.... so.... I don't know how to describe it. Hopeless? Not really. Overwhelmed? Ok, maybe. Numb? Yes, that's it. Just like I was existing in a parallel universe that I didn't choose or create. The only thing, and I mean the ONLY thing, that brought me happiness was med school (well, and my doggie of course). And when that started to slip, I really cracked.

So I sucked it up and made some changes.... albeit the most difficult choices I have ever made.

Change #1

I have a new house. Well, it's not really mine (unlike the 160 year-old house across town) as I am only renting.... but for the time being it's a great place and a fresh start. And all for me. Just me. A tiny antique shotgun with gleaming hardwood floors, 3 fireplaces with antique mantles, plaster medallions on the light fixtures, a jacuzzi tub, 12ft ceilings, and a brand new kitchen and bath. In a neighborhood close to school that I like. Pretty much perfect. All for the same price I would pay if I moved into the med school dorms. It's probably so cheap because it's definitely on a bit of a sketchy street. The neighborhood in general is nice, but the street, ah... not so much. Good thing I have a security system.

Change #2

Oh, not sure if I can say it. Begins with a t_ _ _ _ _ y. Which has been good. So nice to hear for a change that I'm not crazy. Quotes from the doc's I've seen...

"Wait, that REALLY happened? Or are you speaking figuratively?"

"You only took a 2 weeks off med school? You might need a year. At least a semester."

"Really? You passed your first semester? That's incredible" (thanks for the vote of confidence)

And the body language is hysterical. I thought shrinks were supposed to remain completely neutral. But I get wide eyes, shaking of head, cringes, and looks of utter disbelief. Pretty funny actually.

Remember how I told you wayyyyy back when that I scored a 700+ on the adjustment scale. (Refresher.... 150 is normal stress response to adjustment, 250 is considered "high stress")... well.... that's why I need it. Surprisingly, nice.

Change #3

Rozerem. I don't know how long I get to take it, but it is so great. I've totally reset my sleep schedule. I sleep deeply and wake up early. Naturally. And no daytime sleeping. I haven't slept this well my whole life.

Change #4

Med school. Well, as you know I took 2 weeks off. Which has been great. But I have a meeting with the Dean on Thursday... and I am VERY nervous about what will say. If he recommends that I leave school and start over next year I will die. DIE. You will see me on the news in a supermarket throwing acorn squash at the elderly and small children. Count on it.

Change #5

Boyfriend and I are changing. In an unspecified way. We thought about breaking up. But for now, we're just taking it easy. Maybe a little space will be good for us. Maybe a little space will end in a break-up. Time will tell.

Change #6

WHO DAT? I hate(d) football. With a passion. I've never watched a football game in my life until Sunday. I had to. Otherwise I would have been kicked out of the city. I'm now a Shockey fan.

Change #7

No change there. Still broke. Actually more broke.

Change #8

Happiness and relief. Feeling better already. Just 2 days into my new place. It is an incredible feeling to come home to 100% peacefulness. The apartment is warm and clean, and free of sawdust and powertools. No one else's schedule. No chaos that isn't mine. No Honduran guy tapping on my bedroom door wanting to sheetrock while I hide in the closet trying to find clean underwear. At 6:00 am. Unexpectedly... because my boyfriend forgot to tell me. On a test day.